Passing

Sunday evening, just had a (another) nap. Fussing with the Windows 8 on my new laptop and finally downloaded kindle for PC since the kindle app that came with it had me gritting my teeth. Why should you have to redownload a book because you sign out of the app? Anyway, got the program installed and 348 books downloaded from the cloud, so now I can enjoy it.

My purple irises are blooming. Two years ago they didn't bloom, so I dug them all up and divided them, moving them to another part of the garden. The clematis vine is also blooming. The peonies are up, as well as the stargazer lillies that I planted last year. I'm ready to plant more flowers ASAP.

Dad passed away Friday afternoon. I was at the grocery store and received a text expressing sympathy on his passing. That is not the way to find out that your parent has died. I had been shopping for over four hours, and was in the checkout line, tears running down my face, and still had to wait for Darling Husband to come pick me up. Rough day, really truly rough.

I've spent the weekend talking with my sisters, getting things done, and thinking a lot. I won't travel to Indiana for the funeral, it's more than I'm capable of at this time. Having even less vision than I had when mom died three months ago, made my decision.

Dad gave me up for adoption 50 years ago, and two of my sisters 45 years ago. He kept the youngest two, and they were with him at the end, along with my stepmom. I wonder if he ever regretted it. And I wonder what life would have been like if I had grown up with him.

I had always been part of his life, mine was an open adoption, unheard of back in the sixties. My stepmom and adopted dad were engaged to each other back in the early fifties. I grew up with all of the families around me. Both dads at my wedding and graduation.

When my daughter was born both dads came to see me. They had grown beards and didn't recognize each other. One walked up and held out his hand, saying, "hi, I'm Suzy's dad". The other put out his hand and said "so am I". I nearly wet my pants laughing.

I spent time with my birth family, a lot of time. Phone calls, visits, cards, holidays, just like a normal family. My two sisters who were given up never have. They had no relationship with him, never met the two youngest sisters, even though they grew up about fifteen miles away. It was a different dynamic with their family. I met the girls who were given up when I was a young adult, and have good relationships with them.

I feel that dad really missed out. Five beautiful, amazing women, each one accomplished, loving, intelligent. Four of us have married, have children, and wonderful lives. We're successful women, well educated, each in different ways. In many ways we are similar, but there is no confusing any of us with the others. Two are grandmothers.

 Five grandchildren live within twenty miles of dad, and he chose to not have anything to do with them. What pain his actions have caused others. I'm fine, but I hurt for my sisters and stepmom. 

Consequences are painful, not necessarily for the one who acted, but for other people who are part of their lives. Dad really missed out on life. What he had was good, but could have been so much better.

Enough for tonight