Wednesday 'round the house

Back to the Doctor's office in OKC this Friday for the official diagnosis and treatment options, etc. I got most of the information from my other eye Doc in Dallas. So, I have a day and a half of normalcy (or what passes for it) left before I officially become a rare disease. Oh freakin' boy!

So, tomorrow night we'll dress up and go out to dinner. Not sure where we'll go but it will be someplace pretty nice. Hopefully they'll have one of my two favorite desserts, key lime pie and carrot cake. Either one will make me happy, as well as make the diet worthwhile.

Mom returns to her apartment from the nursing home tomorrow. I'm really excited for her. She's been gone for 3 months. Wow! Just realized that her fridge will be a nightmare of spoiled food. On Friday UPS will deliver a huge box of goodies to her. I sent her books, movies, yarn, embroidery hoops, things to embroider, new clothes, yarn, candy and other treats. I'd love to see her face as she goes through it all.

Back to sorting through closets. I have a nearly empty one in a spare bedroom. Next week I'll finish weeding through the Christmas boxes and put what we're keeping in the empty closet. That will free up our front closet so it can be used as a coat closet. This will be a great accomplishment to me, I've been putting it off for a long time. I start on the Christmas items and just stress out after a very short time. Time to buckle down and get it out of the way.

I managed to go through my books again and cull another 50 or so. Most will go on the bookshelves in our guest apartment, the rest I'll probably donate to the local library. I swear that books breed when I'm not looking. I'll set one down next to my desk and the next thing I know, there are 5 or 6 more with it. 

I went to the grocery store with my list and magnifying glasses as well as my 8 x 10 magnifier. It took over 4 hours to get everything. It's hard to shop for things when you can't see them. Some things I got wrong and will live with until I shop again. Every 3 to 4 weeks is about all that I can handle. I did indulge myself and bought a couple of African violets. They do better without bright light, like me.

I saw Halloween as well as Christmas items up in the store. Autumn doesn't begin until Saturday. The news people yesterday announced that there are only 14 more Fridays until Christmas. Heck, I'm still enjoying summer. I'm sure not ready for holidays yet.

Ever looked in the mirror?

Have you ever looked in a mirror and seen nothing? That's what I saw in low light the other day. It was overcast and I did not have the bathroom light on. I didn't see the shower curtain, bath sheets on their hooks, or me. Just darkness, nothing at all. I know I was facing the mirror and my eyes were open.

I keep lights on when it's overcast now as well as all night. It's too difficult to deal without seeing at all, I'm far from ready to be in darkness, seeing nothing. It's too hard to come to terms with no sight.

I wonder if it isn't better to lose all sight at once, to come to terms with it, adjust and get on with life. As it is, I lose some sight, find that I can't do certain things, learn new ways to cope, accept it...... And then lose more sight. So it begins again. There's anger, denial, grief, bargaining and acceptance. Every single time. The doctors have been trying for 2 years to find out why I'm going blind, and I lose more sight almost daily. Frustration, too. Lots and lots of frustration.

My world has shrunk immensely. My adorable little gray Subaru sits in the garage, unused unless I loan it to a family member. There are a year and a half of payments left on it. I had only had it for 5 months before I started losing sight. I miss driving, just jumping in the car and going places. Now I have to ask for rides to the doctor, library or grocery. I don't like asking to be taken out so I can window shop, it would tie up too much time for whoever is driving me. I miss just being able to run down the street for a soda, to go antiquing, even going to work. 

I miss working so much, being with people, keeping busy, interacting with the public. It's so hard to not be able to do that anymore. I felt sure of myself, confident, as well as competent. I felt as though I was accomplishing a lot each day, and I was. I had a great job that I loved, managing a store. It was sometimes hard, but I saw that as a challenge. I sure miss it.

Sometimes it feels like I'm having one huge pity party. Perhaps I am. The constant adjustment to less and less sight is really getting to me. My freedom is rapidly disappearing. There is so much I still want to see, to go and do. Will the doctors find out what is causing the vision loss? Is it something that can be slowed down or stopped? Will I lose all of it, or most? What, if anything, can be done?

Saturday thoughts

Napping on a Saturday afternoon. How much better can life get? I love being able to nap from time to time, it's such an indulgent thing to do. Dragging a couple of beanbag chairs and a few floor pillows into the middle of the room and just snuggling until I have the perfect nest made.

The house is scented with stargazer lillies and roses. Every other week my darling Husband brings me a huge bouquet of them. It's so romantic and loving. I still feel amazement and delight every time he brings them to me.

Not sure what we'll do this evening, it's cool and damp from the much needed rain we've received over the last few days. Perhaps catch up on some TV.

I'm reading "Coping With Vision Loss" hoping to learn some new skills to deal with less sight. Most of the author's advice is just common sense. Things like get closer and use a magnifying glass. Perhaps I'll find a few nuggets of wisdom that I can use.

The nap I took was almost too short, still feeling fuzzy brained and moving slowly. Trying to map out what I want to accomplish this coming week, and while there is a lot I wish to do, it's mostly organizing and cleaning. Sort of a pre-cleaning before tackling the big Fall Housecleaning. Mainly the organizing is part of weeding out items and simplifying, so there will be less to clean overall.

Well, off for now, Saturday night is here........

Friday already

The weekend is here again. It seems that we blink on Monday morning and it's suddenly Friday afternoon. 

Hubby has to work tomorrow, and I may go in with him in the afternoon so I can visit my favorite vintage clothing store across the street. It's called Bohemian Spirit Vintage, owned by a lovely lady named Amy. It's so much fun to see fashions that I wore when I was younger. It's even more fun to try things on from my Mother's and Grandmother's generation. I love the sheath dress styles from the 60's and early 70's.

Today my Grandma turned 90, hard to believe she's that old. I called her up in Wapakoneta, Ohio and we talked for over an hour. She had a stroke last week and just got to return home yesterday. She had no idea why she had been in the hospital, just that they let her leave. She has a visiting nurse, home health aide, and meals on wheels to help her remain independent awhile longer. Mom will probably have the same thing when she leaves the nursing home and returns to her apartment next week. This is Mom's week off from chemo, and then it will begin again a week from Monday.

We're trying to figure out the best day to go to the state fair, with rain and my niece being baptized this Sunday we'll probably not make it until sometime next week. I'm excited about going, this will be my first trip to a state fair. I want to see everything, eat junk, and have fun.

My back is healing, and I'm so grateful. Once the muscle relaxers made the spasms stop around the pulled muscle I could begin to get better. It feels great to not hurt. 

No test results on my eyes yet. They should have some answers for me next week, if only to tell me that they're still testing and that some diseases have been ruled out. I hope so......

'another day came and went

The end of another day is here. My back is healing, slowly but surely, and I'm extremely grateful. Ready to feel as normal as possible again. There are things I want and need to do.

Time is such a gift, and easily taken for granted. I want to spend mine laughing, playing and having fun. I don't want to regret not enjoying myself as much as possible.

The state fair begins tomorrow. This will be my first one ever to go to, and I'm really excited. I want to see exhibits, ride the carousel, and eat weird stuff like fried snickers bars. I also want to people watch as much as I am able to.

On Friday my Grandma will turn 90.  She's old and frail, has heart failure and Alzheimer's, but she won't slow down. I get a real kick out of her. My Aunt will pick Grandma up and take her out to get her hair done, run errands and eat. Then, after my Aunt brings everything in, unloads it all and puts it away she leaves. As soon as she's gone Grandma will get in her car and go back to the same shopping centers and stores by herself to shop more. She just cracks me up.

Hope I have the same gumption when I'm that old.

Not much else for tonight, I'm tired and ready for sleep.

Monday, Monday

Another trip to Dallas to see the eye specialist.  They told me that losing vision in low light is part of the disease progression. While we were there I saw a woman with a white cane. She gave her phone voice commands similar to the ones I give to Siri. She seemed calm and confident, self-assured in spite of, or perhaps because of her handicap.

Boogered my back a couple of days ago. Tylenol, a heating pad and soaking in the tub are helping. The lidocaine patch I used last night didn't help at all, but will try it again tonight.

I made a new purse day before yesterday. It's floral and the colors are black, browns and golds. I'd forgotten how much fun it is to make them. For years I would sew and/or crochet purses. Then I had children and the free time for that hobby went away. I have enough fabric and accessories to make about half a dozen purses, all different colors and styles. Also, there's enough yarn to make several. It feels so great to find things that I can do.

I plan to get on Facebook in the next few days and do something that I'd rather not do. So many friends and relatives are posting political things, not anything good about who they like, but nasty hateful posts about the other candidate. I've counted over 50 each day, and enough is enough. I'm going to block people and unfriend a few. Once the elections are over I'll see how I still feel about it.

Not sure how to handle the posts that guilt trip you. The ones that say "share if you love Jesus, ignore if you don't". Sorry, to me, religion is a private thing. I don't carry on about it on Facebook or in public. To each his own, I guess.

Mom is done with her second week of chemo. One more week of it and then a week off before it resumes again. She's still hoping to go home, and I hope that she will. She's so independent and loves living her own schedule and doing as she wishes. At 70 she should be able to. The whole hospital and now nursing home thing is tough on her. No privacy, she can't come and go as she pleases, no room for her books and movies or the things that make wherever you live a home. As much as nursing homes charge monthly, each person should have a nice sized room of their own, with the furniture that they want, the colors that they want painted, and the things that they enjoy around them. It's only right, and it would be good for the patients. Also maybe they would have more visitors if their environment wasn't so depressing. Just sayin'.

Labor Day Weekend

The long holiday weekend is ending. I think that we are rested and refreshed after a few days break from everyday life and responsibilities. Today we attended an arts festival here in the city. There were so many beautiful and unusual things to admire. The talents that these artists have are just amazing. I found a delightful wooden kaleidoscope for my collection. The others that I have are inexpensive, and rest in a basket next to a small rocking chair for visiting youngsters. This one is just for me. Holding it so that it faces a fairly bright light I can make out the jeweled colors and the lovely changing patterns. I wish I could see it clearly, but am happy that I can see it at all. 
I've enjoyed having time with my Husband to play catchup on everyday things, to watch some football. We ordered in pizza to make it even more fun.
I'm still at the point where ordering pizza or going out to eat is a real treat. My Husband thinks the same thing about a home cooked meal. I love cooking, started doing it as a small child, and love even more feeding others. 
For each meal the table is set with the good china, real silver flatware and crystal. I never could understand not treating family as special, "saving" the nice things for someday or a special occasion. My grandma would perhaps use her good china once or twice a year, the rest of the time it was on display. I want to use and love the pretty things that I have, to make my loved ones and guests all feel special.
Tomorrow I'll get back to my normal routine, cleaning and crossing things off of my lists and feeling great for having accomplished things. As much as I have spent time this weekend doing as we pleased, I'm ready for a bit more structure. 
I wonder what life will be like when my husband retires in a few years, what we'll do for fun, how we'll spend our time when the clock no longer is a taskmaster. I'm sure that we will do many things, travel and have many adventures. Perhaps it's time to update our bucket lists...........