Ever looked in the mirror?

Have you ever looked in a mirror and seen nothing? That's what I saw in low light the other day. It was overcast and I did not have the bathroom light on. I didn't see the shower curtain, bath sheets on their hooks, or me. Just darkness, nothing at all. I know I was facing the mirror and my eyes were open.

I keep lights on when it's overcast now as well as all night. It's too difficult to deal without seeing at all, I'm far from ready to be in darkness, seeing nothing. It's too hard to come to terms with no sight.

I wonder if it isn't better to lose all sight at once, to come to terms with it, adjust and get on with life. As it is, I lose some sight, find that I can't do certain things, learn new ways to cope, accept it...... And then lose more sight. So it begins again. There's anger, denial, grief, bargaining and acceptance. Every single time. The doctors have been trying for 2 years to find out why I'm going blind, and I lose more sight almost daily. Frustration, too. Lots and lots of frustration.

My world has shrunk immensely. My adorable little gray Subaru sits in the garage, unused unless I loan it to a family member. There are a year and a half of payments left on it. I had only had it for 5 months before I started losing sight. I miss driving, just jumping in the car and going places. Now I have to ask for rides to the doctor, library or grocery. I don't like asking to be taken out so I can window shop, it would tie up too much time for whoever is driving me. I miss just being able to run down the street for a soda, to go antiquing, even going to work. 

I miss working so much, being with people, keeping busy, interacting with the public. It's so hard to not be able to do that anymore. I felt sure of myself, confident, as well as competent. I felt as though I was accomplishing a lot each day, and I was. I had a great job that I loved, managing a store. It was sometimes hard, but I saw that as a challenge. I sure miss it.

Sometimes it feels like I'm having one huge pity party. Perhaps I am. The constant adjustment to less and less sight is really getting to me. My freedom is rapidly disappearing. There is so much I still want to see, to go and do. Will the doctors find out what is causing the vision loss? Is it something that can be slowed down or stopped? Will I lose all of it, or most? What, if anything, can be done?