It's My Time

Having answers to the ancient query of "why can't Suzanne see?" means that I can drop my stress levels to none at all. There are treatments to slow, stop and perhaps reverse damage done to my sight. Hope is such a profound thing. It can change your entire reality. 

The life I want to live is right in front of me. It's there, calling to me, just within touching distance. All that is left to do is to step forward, just lift my foot up from my comfort zone and go. To be the person I've dreamt of and planned and wished for from the time I was a little girl. That person is still a part of me. She's waited quietly while I grew up and became an adult. While I did as society expected, raised my family, worked, was active in volunteer groups. She has whispered and shouted at me for decades, telling me that there is more to life, that special things don't need to be an afterthought, that treating myself as someone truly wonderful and amazing and deserving of delightful things is more important than cleaning house or keeping up with the neighbors. I have ignored her for far too long, not permitting her to live the life that was so carefully planned and anticipated so very long ago. I let myself call her silly and childish for longing to live happily, loving every single day of my life. I told myself that life was full of musts and shoulds and that fun and pleasure were only afterthoughts to perhaps have for mere moments when time and opportunity allows. I put myself last after home and family and work, feeling guilty if i did special things for myself. Knowing that I had no business doing what I wanted when there was so much else to be done for others. I ran myself ragged, went without, wore cheap clothes and shoes, went hungry, lost sleep, went without warm clothes in the winter, and let my various jobs and responsibilities take over every part of me. Enough already, it's her/my/our turn to have the life I want, that should have been happening all along. That part of me is finally able to come out, to sing and dance, to laugh and cry and play. She is ready to live, and I'm ready now to be her. It's time to enjoy, to do only things that please me. If I want to spend the rest of my life gardening, reading, cooking, traveling or doing anything else I want, it's not only okay, it's also wonderful.  To love and live fully is a treasure. So what if I'm blind? I can live with that. It just means that I'll have to adapt and adjust somewhat to compensate for the lack of sight, but it will be on my terms and done my way. The life I love begins today, my future is now........