How does one come to terms with things that are no longer possible? To know that life has changed in permanent ways and that nothing can be done to reverse any of it? How do you accept that life cannot go back to what was? How do you reconcile what you had with what you're stuck with, a poor substitute for what was wonderful and special and will not occur again?
How to deny yourself being able to wish for, long for, hurt for, dream of, or even think of what cannot be? How to make the best of things (something I've done all of my life) under circumstances that harm the body and soul?
Blindness is a large part of what I'm writing of tonight, knowing that what "is" is not going to get any better. I'm mourning the changes in my life.
When my illness began I had just married the man of my dreams, moved from country home to city life, transferred my job to a more challenging job with the same company, became an empty nester, moved away from family and friends, was dealing with both of my parents in different areas of the country who had cancer, had gotten rid of most of my possessions, had come to terms with the death of my daughter, and had changed my looks completely... body, hair, face, and clothing. Everything was unfamiliar, and in many ways still is. There has been so much to adjust to and it still overwhelms me. I don't recognize myself in the mirror, ever anymore. I am unfamiliar after almost two and a half years with who I am, with my thoughts and beliefs, and even with my possessions and abilities. Losing sight has just compounded all of these changes. I don't know what direction to head into, just that no matter what way I go in life that nothing will ever be right in the way I want or think it should be.
So, how do I deny myself the thoughts? The wishes? The wants? How? To get rid of things running through my head? To bury the pain of going without what is basic to life and living and happiness? To know that some of the changes and decisions are not mine, never were and never will be. Those were made for me without consulting me, just made unilaterally. Unfair!
How is contentment found? When hope has been taken away? When the choices are not my own and all I can do is fight or accept? How to give in without fighting with everything within me? Can I accept if fighting for what I want and need is still denied? Do I end up spending my life bitter and unhappy?
I try to be happy, I really do. I have Always made the best of things, no matter what occurred. For the most part my life is great. I have things and opportunities that most people only fantasize about. Even with blindness this is an amazing life. I feel ungrateful that I'm not content and happy with what still is. There are possibilities in front of me that are waiting to be enjoyed, to be lived.
Tonight the losses are hitting me hard, and somehow I have to get through this. My despondency doesn't just affect me, but also others in my life whom I love and wouldn't wish to hurt for any reason. Each life touches others and I need to keep that in the front of my mind. I have to be strong, to stop harming myself by wanting what I can't have.
Here's What IS.......
Life isn't fair.
Hope does not do any good.
Neither does wishing.
Being strong is the only way to survive.
Denying needs and desires will keep me sane.
Hurting others is bad.
So is hurting myself.
Expectations fail every time.
Crying gives me frog eyes.
I've had them for the last few days.
Giving up is a real possibility.
Antidepressants don't help.
Sleep rarely satisfies.
Pasting a smile on my face and faking it makes others happy.
Lying and saying I'm fine makes others happy too.
No one really wants the real answer to how are you?
When I smile I get left alone.
Being unwanted in my life was something I grew up with, and what I'm familiar with.
Not ever being certain of being welcome in any circumstance is also familiar.
I made sure every day that my children knew they were loved and cared for.
Even so, I buried one seven years ago.
I've spent my life being a great friend to someone who wasn't one to me.
She's still special to me.
My heart and soul hurt.
I still hope.
I want what I can't have.
Promises are never kept, never have been, I can't remember a single one made to me that has been kept.
Suicide is NOT an option or an answer.
Ever!
Things are nice, love is vital and necessary.
Giving up on dreams is hell.
Love is never in vain.
Forgiving is not forgetting.
Thoughts hurt, but must occur.
The heart wants what it wants.
So does the soul.
They don't always agree with each other.
This evening I'm profoundly unhappy.
I'll get over it and be alright.
Love is always worth it.
Even with all of this I still believe that life is good, that I can be happy, that love is what gets us through. This life will be wonderful again and all I wish for and dream of. My life will be special, and I will once again love everything about it. I will get through this dark night, and come out stronger for it. Much thought is being given to the choices that I am making, to the future that making them will bring. I will reconcile the discord in my heart, head and soul. The present difficulties will resolve and I will know in my heart that I will be okay. That I will be at peace with decisions made. I have to believe this with every fiber of my being. It's not optional. Tomorrow will be a better day.
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