Thoughts.....

Friday.....
Got out and rode for a bit. Stopped by the library for more audiobooks. Hit the dollar store for picture frames and flower bulbs. It felt great to be outdoors.

Picked up a few groceries when I was out. Healthy stuff, not what makes my mouth water and my hips wider.... Thought of stopping for a fast food meal. Decided to reward myself when I get out next week instead. Perhaps a restaurant meal, the kind with real flatware and dishes not made from styrofoam... 

Half a dozen people stopped me to ask questions about the etrike. What really hooks them is the fact that a nickel's worth of electricity will let you go thirty miles. With that idea in mind, I get the feeling I'll be seeing more of them around town.

Wishing I was at uncle AJ's funeral today. I miss being able to drive. The family I have here has no connection to the family I have in the Okc area, so I didn't feel right asking for a ride. Hubby didn't offer to take me. I get it. It's his family, and I'm no longer welcome as part of it. At least, not by him.

Tonight, I'll watch a movie. Just snuggle up in a blanket, get cozy and enjoy. I have a stack of them to see.

The house cooled from 76 to 64 degrees in about thirty minutes. I checked the doors and windows. There's no reason for it to have happened. The temps outdoors only dropped one degree. I cranked up the heat, and think I'll go ahead and put together the electric fireplace.

Neat fireplace, it really puts out the heat. Took several hours to put it together. Guessing I did it correctly, it works. Couldn't make out the drawings or pics of which parts were which, so I had to guess.

Sunday....
Supposed to go visit family and friends in Broken Arrow this afternoon. The arthritis monster has other ideas for me. Tears, pain, pain pills, soaking in the hot bathtub, curling up in blankets in front of the furnace. Pain that never really goes away on the worse days. I stay in my spot, hoping the pain pill will work better than usual, knowing there is another ten hours before I can take another. Moving cautiously because the pain pill makes me dizzy. Dizzier than the damaged balance center in my left ear makes me.

This has been a pain filled week. Usually two or three pain filled days follow a good day. This time, the pain goes on and on. I think most of it has to do with the damp and cold temperatures. Rarely being warm enough in a body which is ruled by the thermometer and barometric pressure.

I do alright in warm and hot temps. The pain is a rare visitor then, the bad days are few. I go long periods of time without needing anything for pain at all.

In many ways, the arthritis is far worse than the eye disease, the cyst in my brain, and the vestibular damage in my ear. I can function with the low or no vision, depending on the light levels. I can handle the headaches and screwed up sleep cycles. I expect being off balance and the vertigo which comes and goes. But, when the pain is here, it is an ongoing nightmare. I even feel it in my sleep.

Is it too much to get a pain pill that is effective enough to keep pain down to a dull roar? One that does not cause dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain, a fuzzy brain, and other nightmare side effects. One I can still take with the grapefruit juice that keeps me healthy. One that comes in a generic form, or at a reasonable price. How hard is it to really treat pain?

When Mom was dying last year of cancer and COPD, her so called pain specialist up in Ohio cut her off from her pain medication. He demanded she see a shrink for her pain to ensure it was real. The letter demanding she bring in proof from the shrink was dated just a couple of weeks before her death. She also had damaged nerves in her back, legs and feet. So severe her feet were twisted. And, the creep, because that's all I can bring myself to call him, cut her off. 

My pain is severe some days. Nothing compared to what a Mom went through. But it still keeps me from functioning some days.

Why is it that doctors are scared of treating pain? Mom wasn't going to become an addict. She was dying. She did die. She had medication that wasn't effective, and the minimal dosage, and she spent her last months counting the hours until she could knock the pain down for a bit with the next dose. The pain kept her from sleeping, from enjoying the short amount of time she had left, from functioning as a human being. There was no dignity in her death, it was just, finally relief from unending agony.

Enough for now.......