Life isn't Pretty at all

The living room and front room windows are crammed full of plants. Over the next few days I will have to find places for them as well as the seven that are still outside. 

I can't use the guest apartment for any of them this year. Too bad, they thrive in that space each winter.

Speaking of the guest apartment. I took measurements of the kitchen area yesterday. Marked outlets, pipes and gas line locations. I got to go and look in Lowe's at the new cabinets, countertops, sink, faucet, backsplashes, flooring and fridge. Hubby took the Ex to show her yesterday and get her ideas. Her approval.

It will be a big job. Wondering if any of the choices will actually be mine. I was told that it's my home and that I could choose. 

So far, we're doing the apartment bathroom. I was told I had the choices. Well, I got to choose the sink. Only because I ordered two online that would fit. One actually did. Hubby and His Ex chose the toilet, tile colors, medicine cabinet and light.

I would like to decide what remodeling is done while I can still make out what it looks like. 

It seems that Hubby's Ex will be here permanently. She has settled in completely. It's her home now. She rarely works, I'm not sure what she does all day. I don't care. Now, she is choosing new furniture. The apartment, garage and storage unit are full of her furniture and possessions now. It is my understanding that we are buying the new furniture for her.

I'd rather have some of our (nice) older furniture cleaned and use it for the apartment. Then, we could get new for us. Now, I guess we live with old furniture and she gets new.

There's a lot of disappointment right now. When I say anything, I'm told that I'm being selfish and have jealousy issues. Makes me wonder....

So, as I'm making remodel plans that most likely will not occur, I'm also doing things for me. I'm weeding through my items, getting rid of personal items I no longer have any use for. I'm keeping track of the few things that are just mine. 

What I have are a few antiques, family photos, a laptop, iPad, camera, linens, kitchen things, Christmas decor, knickknacks, a few dozen books, some dvd's and cd's, record player and albums, plants. My dog. Clothing and some craft items. Patio furniture, a couple of lamps. An an etrike, my daughter's bicycle. Toolbox. Some artwork. A couple of lamps. Not much. 

My furniture is gone except for a few antiques. There is no room for any of it here. Moving it from the apartment to the garage, then getting rid of it when the garage was also taken over was horrible. My 1890 gas stove leaving hurt a lot! I used and needed it. The few pieces I have left are being ruined by the weather on the patio. 

It felt as if my wants are being ignored, that what I want doesn't matter. It feels that way more each day.

I wonder if the marriage will last through this. My options are few at this point. This week I will see the marriage counselor for the fifth time. We still have not seen her together. He finally went recently to see her for the first time. I'm told it is my problem.

I adore Hubby's Ex. She is a wonderful lady, and we get along great. But she is His friend, His Ex, not my friend and that's been made obvious. Perhaps I'm jealous that we are supporting her, that she and Hubby go places together frequently. That they spend a lot of time together every day. That I feel unwelcome in what is supposed to be my home. Or only feel welcome in a part of my home. I no longer use the patios because they adjoin the guest apartment. I don't feel comfortable doing so. I clean them after she leaves.

I wonder if I will be living here in this house much longer, or if I will be apartment hunting shortly. I just do not know.

If I move, do I want to stay in Okc? I need a warm climate. Sidewalks and a neighborhood I can walk in would be nice. Nearby stores would be great.

For now, I keep taking online classes, working on organizing things so I can easily find them. Working on cooking and cleaning without sight. Hunting for hobbies that I can perhaps use to support myself, if need be. Studying Braille is vital as is practicing with the white cane. Those things will give me freedom to live a decent life.

My future is uncertain. I no longer feel secure in my home or in my marriage.