Christmas Eve Eve

Haven't moved. I spent a week with some close friends. Nothing major, just being with people I've known and loved for decades, ones who love me and help me put things in perspective. They listen without judging, offer open arms and hearts, and give me a safe place to be.

Last weekend, I made friends with a couple of women who also have low vision/blindness.  It's interesting to get to know people who are going through a lot of the same issues that I am. Makes me feel less alone.

The tree is up and decorated. When the lights are on all I see is a huge, black shape covered with giant balls of white light. Within a couple of feet I can make out some of the colors. I remember where I put each ornament, and can picture each in my mind. Beautiful.

Ready for Christmas, with the exception of a package that ups allowed to languish at their facility for 5 days before sending it to the US mail to deliver. Who knows if/when it will arrive? The latest update states 2 business days from now. Guess what? I ordered early in order to get it before Christmas 2013, not 2014. So, needless to say, I am unhappy with ups. Big thing that gets me, is that it is Hubby's gift. 

The turkey is nearly thawed. There is a Black Forest ham in the fridge. The buffet is loaded with snacks to nibble on.

The dinner menu consists of....

Turkey with Gravy
Ham
Wild Rice
Sweet Potatoes
Sliced Tomatoes
French Cut Green Beans
LeSoeur's Baby Peas
Mashed Potatoes 
Croissants with Butter
Key Lime Pie
Cheesecakes


For snacking....
Shrimp Cocktail
Assorted Cheeses and Crackers
Cookies
Brandy Rum Balls
Pub Mix
Candies
Apples
Pears
Oranges
Grapefruits
Pomegranates

Beverages....
Milk
Coffee
Teas
Apple Cider
Pink Lemonade

There will likely be other things added to the lists as I think of them.

We expect my youngest on Christmas Day, possibly his roommates. My youngest stepson is here from San Francisco, he's staying at his Mom's a block away, so he 'll probably be here part of the day. My oldest stepson and his family should be in town, so we may see them as well. The Ex will be here part of the time, I'm sure. 

My adopted Dad called this morning. We talked for the longest time. I also received a long letter from one of my StepMothers. She told me of Dad's last days, and of his love for me. I cried, and still tear up thinking of it.

Enough for now.....

Life changing processes....

As a rule, I have an amazing life. Currently, though, I'm in the middle of a true rough patch. There is a lot going on, and I am not the picture of a happy person.

It's rare that I am unhappy. I truly dislike being in this state of being. Missing my normal happy self is an understatement, I miss Me.

Printed several large copies of the floor plan and will use them over the next few days to  set up housekeeping. As much as I enjoy decorating a home, I thought that I was done. This home is complete, not including the guest apartment. It's doubtful that I will ever set foot inside there again.

The Christmas tree arrived this morning. The box is over six feet long and about two feet on the sides. I'm looking forward to seeing what it looks like. Hopefully, it will be easy to set up.

Today I cleaned and spent a lot of time in thought, and then worked on several small touch ups which needed to be done. This house has been completely remodeled during the past three years. It's beautiful, a joy to do, but a relief to finish.

There is so much I'm working on right now. Braille lessons, home-keeping, crafting items for Christmas, online courses, daily exercise, pet and plant care, staying in touch with family and friends. I keep busy, and I like things that way. The thing is, that I want the busy things to be of my choosing.

The list of things I need to accomplish while there is still a little sight left is long. Getting ready to move and start a new life is disturbing my plans.  Moving is one of my very least favorite things.

It will eat into the majority of my time for the next several weeks. Just finding things here in the house is difficult. Now, I have to hunt through everything to locate what I want to take with me to the new apartment. Then, it all has to be sorted, packed, moved, unpacked, put away with every location marked. That, in my mind, is a nightmare. It will be a huge adjustment trying to find my way around in a strange place, indoors as well as in a new neighborhood. 

There is no place for Demeter to go outside and play. She will have to be on a leash every time she goes outside. Instead of a pet door that she has free access to, I have to take her out. Be fully dressed and out multiple times during the day and night. What a nightmare for her. She is rarely leashed, and will have to get used to it. 

I'm trying to figure a way to keep her from barking every time she hears noises outside. There are a couple of white noise machines here. Crossing my fingers that they will work. Problem is that one of her duties is to let me know when someone is nearby. Now, I have to train her not to.

I'm tired. Enough for now....

Pissed Off Royally

I have a new apartment. It will be ready to move into on December 6th. I don't want to move. I especially do not want to move during the holidays, a full couple of weeks after I do my Christmas decorating. I do not want to leave my home.

I'm making lists this week. Things to take, things I will need, things I want to do and accomplish in a new home. I'm writing out a new LifePlan, a new ExercisePlan, lists of new goals and ideas. My todo list is incredibly long.

I've spent hours going through Pinterest as well as my photos,  figuring out how to decorate a new environment.

Lucky me. Put the blind chick in an apartment poolside. I won't be able to see the people there. Guess I won't get lost finding it when I want to swim.

The grocery store is a mile and a half walk. I only have to cross one six-lane street, one four-lane street and a dozen or so two lane streets to get there. Shouldn't be too bad. I will need a cart to schlep my purchases. No sidewalks, so I will have to walk in the streets.

The nearest department store is five miles. Guess I will either taxi or order from amazon.com. Can't figure out any other way to shop.

Need to arrange for wifi.

Need a letter from my doctor saying that I'm disabled and need an assistance/guide/whateverthehellyoucallit dog. Otherwise, Demeter cannot go with me. She's seventeen pounds over the apartment weight limit. However, you can have two forty pound dogs. Why not one 57.5 pound dog? Stupid crap.

I told Hubby that I need a bed. The first option I was offered was the Exe's bed. Needless to say, I declined, and not politely. Then, I was offered our new bed, or having a new one purchased for me.

I'm tired, not sleeping, lots of tears. Seeing the marriage counselor. Will it help?

I'm told by the marriage counselor not to see my regular shrink while this is going on. Not fair, that's one person I need to talk to. Because the Ex goes to see him too. Why can't she get a different one? I was going there for a year before she started. 

Oh yes, the remodel is in full swing. How many choices did I get? None. The upper cabinets are mounted so high that I can reach a few inches into the bottom shelves. Everything else is completely out of reach. I'm tall, but the Hubby and the Ex tower over me, so it's where they can use them. I didn't get to choose the cabinets, counters, sink, faucet, etc. Doubt I will be asked about the backsplash, lighting, carpet or new doors.

For any guys out there who are thinking about dumping their wife. The easiest way to do it is to move in another woman. Give the new woman free reign to remodel the house. Take the new woman out places with you. Don't ask the wife. Pay all of the new woman's bills. Have the wife cook for the new woman. Tell the new woman all of the details about your relationship with your wife. Spend hours every day with the new woman. Don't touch the wife. Make fun of the wife. Make the wife get rid of her things to make room for the new woman's things. Kick the wife out, but make it look mutual. Go to counseling, but be sure to say that it won't work. 

Oh, have the new woman decide what she would like for dinner out of the wife's fridge. Tell the wife what time she would like to be served. Oh, and have the wife give favorite recipes to the new woman.

Just asked about ordering the new Christmas tree. Was told to go ahead, that I would take it with me. So I did. Just bought the most expensive tree I've ever seen. Don't care what it looks like, I went for the price. By god, I will enjoy it for the rest of my life.

Pissed? Think about it. Yeah, I'm pissed off.

Life isn't Pretty at all

The living room and front room windows are crammed full of plants. Over the next few days I will have to find places for them as well as the seven that are still outside. 

I can't use the guest apartment for any of them this year. Too bad, they thrive in that space each winter.

Speaking of the guest apartment. I took measurements of the kitchen area yesterday. Marked outlets, pipes and gas line locations. I got to go and look in Lowe's at the new cabinets, countertops, sink, faucet, backsplashes, flooring and fridge. Hubby took the Ex to show her yesterday and get her ideas. Her approval.

It will be a big job. Wondering if any of the choices will actually be mine. I was told that it's my home and that I could choose. 

So far, we're doing the apartment bathroom. I was told I had the choices. Well, I got to choose the sink. Only because I ordered two online that would fit. One actually did. Hubby and His Ex chose the toilet, tile colors, medicine cabinet and light.

I would like to decide what remodeling is done while I can still make out what it looks like. 

It seems that Hubby's Ex will be here permanently. She has settled in completely. It's her home now. She rarely works, I'm not sure what she does all day. I don't care. Now, she is choosing new furniture. The apartment, garage and storage unit are full of her furniture and possessions now. It is my understanding that we are buying the new furniture for her.

I'd rather have some of our (nice) older furniture cleaned and use it for the apartment. Then, we could get new for us. Now, I guess we live with old furniture and she gets new.

There's a lot of disappointment right now. When I say anything, I'm told that I'm being selfish and have jealousy issues. Makes me wonder....

So, as I'm making remodel plans that most likely will not occur, I'm also doing things for me. I'm weeding through my items, getting rid of personal items I no longer have any use for. I'm keeping track of the few things that are just mine. 

What I have are a few antiques, family photos, a laptop, iPad, camera, linens, kitchen things, Christmas decor, knickknacks, a few dozen books, some dvd's and cd's, record player and albums, plants. My dog. Clothing and some craft items. Patio furniture, a couple of lamps. An an etrike, my daughter's bicycle. Toolbox. Some artwork. A couple of lamps. Not much. 

My furniture is gone except for a few antiques. There is no room for any of it here. Moving it from the apartment to the garage, then getting rid of it when the garage was also taken over was horrible. My 1890 gas stove leaving hurt a lot! I used and needed it. The few pieces I have left are being ruined by the weather on the patio. 

It felt as if my wants are being ignored, that what I want doesn't matter. It feels that way more each day.

I wonder if the marriage will last through this. My options are few at this point. This week I will see the marriage counselor for the fifth time. We still have not seen her together. He finally went recently to see her for the first time. I'm told it is my problem.

I adore Hubby's Ex. She is a wonderful lady, and we get along great. But she is His friend, His Ex, not my friend and that's been made obvious. Perhaps I'm jealous that we are supporting her, that she and Hubby go places together frequently. That they spend a lot of time together every day. That I feel unwelcome in what is supposed to be my home. Or only feel welcome in a part of my home. I no longer use the patios because they adjoin the guest apartment. I don't feel comfortable doing so. I clean them after she leaves.

I wonder if I will be living here in this house much longer, or if I will be apartment hunting shortly. I just do not know.

If I move, do I want to stay in Okc? I need a warm climate. Sidewalks and a neighborhood I can walk in would be nice. Nearby stores would be great.

For now, I keep taking online classes, working on organizing things so I can easily find them. Working on cooking and cleaning without sight. Hunting for hobbies that I can perhaps use to support myself, if need be. Studying Braille is vital as is practicing with the white cane. Those things will give me freedom to live a decent life.

My future is uncertain. I no longer feel secure in my home or in my marriage.

Shopping and Customer Service

Finally went grocery shopping. It's becoming more and more frustrating. Packaging and frequent location of stock changes is making it hard to locate items. Add in rude cashiers, poor stocking practices, and products not well maintained and I dread walking into the grocery store. I don't believe I'll return to the major chain store I use again. Never mind that I spend at least $500 every trip, and have shopped there for over three years. The quality of the workers there has gone so far down that it is absurd. It's not worth it. 

I'm to the point where I will find a small grocery store and pay more money in order to have a pleasant shopping experience. For everything else, I will shop at amazon or other small department stores.

Here is a rule of thumb. The better the economy, the worse the low wage employees. Ignore the news. A good economy means that good, hardworking people have decent paying jobs. It also means that low paying positions are held by anyone the employer can get. 

With a bad economy, you get to pick and choose people with great attitudes, intelligence and a terrific work ethic. With a good economy, the great employees move on to good jobs.

No offense to people who are starting out or those that choose the low paying jobs. I'm not including them in this equation.

I was an employer for years and dealt with those issues daily. At times I filled extra shifts due to not having decent people even applying.

There's a saying I was taught long ago, and I am paraphrasing here. "You can hire anyone to fill a job, but you can't make them into a good employee that deals well with customers and coworkers. What you want is to hire kind, friendly, well mannered people and to train them to be great workers."

It's so true. I will look for stores which have great employees who work hard and take pride in themselves and in their jobs. Those businesses will get my money from now on.

Enough for now.....

Changes

Late at night and I somehow cannot get sleepy enough to go and hug my pillow. Today, I kept busy. Apparently not busy enough to be worn out.

The house is cleaned. I'm weeding through more items. There is another stack of books to rehome, they will join three stacks already in the garage. A couple of trash bags hold even more items.

I finally shredded all of Mom's personal papers. It was hard. I had promised her that I would destroy them unread. That part was easy. The hard part was letting go of another part of her. Now, there are bags full of shredded things waiting for the next trash day.

The front room is being reorganized to accommodate several huge potted plants coming indoors for the winter. The living room has a few brought in so far.

I'm trying to memorize the changes as I make them. One thing I forgot the other night now has my legs covered front and back with huge bruises. Not being able to see at all in low light is a pain in the butt. Falling over furniture is a great incentive to pay attention.

Went to Texas Longhorn Steakhouse last night to celebrate a relative's 80th birthday. They did not have a large print menu, and my magnifying glasses and iPad apps could not magnify their regular menu due to the print and the restaurant lighting. I ended up having the menu read to me. It was embarrassing. Feeling like crap due to not being able to read on my own.

Not seeing drives me nuts. Over the past couple of weeks I went from reading huge print with 3x reading glasses to needing 6x ones. I read from less than eight inches from my face. With that, I'm still only good for a few minutes.

Sight lessens almost daily. I'm adjusting to changes rapidly, and more come at a speedy pace. I get that it's all happening so much faster than I had expected. How bad is it going get? The specialist said I may keep light and dark, shapes and shadows, some colors. No idea how quickly it will progress. She just doesn't know.

Enough for now.....

Back to life as we know it....

Today is the first day after vacation. We had an amazing time during the nine days off. Mainly, we were together. That is the very best part.

We began with a trip to San Francisco. Flying out on Friday afternoon, we arrived by early afternoon. We stayed in a luxurious hotel with all of the bells and whistles. We were on the wrong side and did not have the view of the bay, other than that, it was perfect.

We ate a couple of fast food breakfasts while we were there. Other than that, we dined, and dined very well. Thanks to a relative there in the city, we found a lot of fabulous little restaurants and our meals were 4 star. Oola's and Dottie's were my favorites. At Oola's the creme brûlée was topped with orange, ginger and honey according to my taste buds. At Dottie's the fruit bowl was huge and filled with the freshest strawberries, blueberries, watermelon and cantaloupe. Amazing meals.

We rented a fusion and traveled all over the city. We did all of the touristy things, riding the trolley, going down Lombard Street, checking out the painted ladies, etc. We took over 1200 photos, and I've seen a few so far on the big tv. Looking forward to seeing the rest. I want to know how well they match up with my perception of the colors and shapes.

I did some shopping in Haight Ashbury, found a lovely sheath dress in a  vintage store. A few stores down the street I found a Hobe choker, all turquoise and amethyst. A few touristy souvenirs for a vacation shadow box filled out my shopping excursion. 

It's a city I could easily live in. With bike lanes and sidewalks everywhere, I would have so much more independence than I do now. OKC is beautiful, but without sidewalks, it is too dangerous to try to walk around when you are blind, or nearly so.

Today I cleaned house all morning, and spent a good portion of the afternoon with a tiny little girl. I love when she comes to visit. We giggle and play and eat a lot of 'nilla wafers and bananas. She loved the aquarium DVD that I put in, and she danced to Josh Groban songs. Her mamma was on one of the cruise ships delayed by Karen, that tropical storm in the Gulf of Mexico.

 I feel for the little one. She had only been away from her mamma for an occasional overnight. Now, she hasn't seen her for over a week. She stayed with a great grandma and now is with another grandma. I could tell it's been really hard on her. Instead of the usual 30 seconds of fussing when her mamma brings her to me, she screamed in fear at being left by yet another person. It took her a good ten minutes to finally calm down. She doesn't talk yet, so she cannot say she wants her mamma. Over two years old and makes sounds, but no words. 

Tomorrow, life will return to normal. Projects in progress, paperwork to locate for my insurance company. There are gardens to water and dog poop to pick up. I'm thinking of baking a loaf or two of French bread (yes, from scratch) and making some pasta sauce and rotini for dinner.

Enough for now......