Reflections

My Husband's Mother passed away this week. She was a lovely lady with a radiant smile. She'd had Alzheimer's for the last 10 years or so, by the time I joined the family she no longer knew who anyone was. She did know, though, who she loved. Her face would light up and she loved to snuggle together and just be with those whom she was fond of. She never knew my name, but she would recognize my face, and to her that was enough. I wish I could have known her long ago when she was raising the family that became mine when I married into it. The qualities that are part of the loving family that welcomed me came in part from her. There are photos of her all over the house, the most recent ones were taken on Mother's Day, which was also her birthday. I took those of her with her sons, hoping that my camera would do it's job properly as I could no longer see the screen or to focus. Thankfully, they turned out great. I'm grateful for that, so many don't turn out anymore. Her funeral will be in a few days, and I hate the thought of saying farewell to her for the last time. Our last words to each other were I love you. I did so love the woman who gave birth to and raised the wonderful man that I've married.
My own Mother begins chemotherapy on Monday. She has lung cancer, the same thing that my Mother-In-Law just died of. It's horrible to begin the same cycle of loss that we're still going through. I'm not ready to lose a parent, to say farewell to someone who has been a huge part of my life for the last 51 years. We talk frequently, at least twice weekly, and have for years. I cannot imagine life without her in it. I worry about her up in Ohio. She wants to live up there close to her Mother and Sister, and while she likes it there, her Mother is dying too. I hope that Mom goes before Grandma. Grandma has Alzheimer's and won't know that Mom is gone, but it would destroy Mom to lose her Mother especially as sick as she is now. It was so hard on them when my Daughter died. I didn't think Mom would survive the loss of my Daughter, they were so close. Too much loss, her absence is felt daily by all of us.
A heart can only take so much pain, so much breaking. Lately, I try to keep so busy that I cannot focus on all of it. I send frequent boxes to Mom, with books, movies, craft items, candy and other things. It doesn't take the place of going up there and visiting, but it helps. 
I'm not ready to travel by myself as a blind person, to rely on strangers and a white cane to find my way around almost 1000 miles from home. As it is, I barely find my way around Wal-Mart to grocery shop with a huge magnifying glass and a shopping list with items written in inch tall letters. I took a cab by myself yesterday for the first time since losing my sight. He got me to where I needed to go, even going so far as to load and unload things for me. That was kind, and lately I need kindness.
Lately I feel fragile in ways that health issues alone don't cause. My heart hurts too much, and I just want peace. I hurt, too, for my Husband. He has just lost his Mother this week. Just this past January he also lost his Father. What a nightmare to lose both parents in such a short time. I cannot imagine anything so awful.
It makes me grateful to have living parents. My 3 Dads and 3 of my 4 Moms are still alive. All elderly, ranging in age from 60 to 82. Being the product of an open adoption and family who believed in marriage (and lots of it), meant that I had more people to love. Lots of parents, grandparents, sisters, etc. Just not all in the same places at the same time. Some sisters I did not meet until we were adults. More to love, and that is the key. To know that I'll never be alone.......