Lately I've been on a real tear about clothing, style, wardrobe and beauty. I've been trying to figure out why it has become such a huge thing to me, and becomes more so by the day.

A big part is that I'm seeing less and less. What is visible is a blur, doubled in each eye, seen as through a tunnel. In low light everything is total darkness. In bright light everything is whited out. Color contrast is disappearing. What is left of the world that I see is heavily airbrushed. I do not see dirt or trash. My world is a lovely place that my memory uses to fill in the blanks for the things that I cannot see. 

I refuse to watch or look at the bad, the ugly and the horrors of this world. I want to see only beauty and loveliness while I can. That is what I need to have fixed inside me as protection should my vision loss lead to total darkness.

Knowing that every part of my world is filled with beauty is the way my life must be. To have things that I know every detail of are comforting to me. Looking the way I think I should look will keep me confident.

It's a way to help handle not seeing. A coping skill of sorts, one that brings me peace. To be able to imagine my world in the way I would want it to be if I could see will make it easier to adapt to blindness.

So, along with taking down the holiday decorations this week, I will work on my wardrobe. There will be a system that works for me to organize clothing and coordinate outfits without being able to see it. Another thing to do is to go through my makeup and discard everything that is unnecessary or not used. 

Hopefully, this will let me quit fussing so much. I have better things to worry about. Knowing that my life is where my mind and heart want and need it to be is promising. One less thing to deal with in the whole process of going blind. 

Enough for now.