Pain and loss

The world seems like a far off place, everything not as it should be. My Mom is dead, my heart feels as if there has been a huge hole ripped through it.

 I comfort my sons who at 22 and 31 have known the passing of family members. Their worlds are tilted on their sides as well. I hurt for and with them.

Mom's closest friend of over 30 years has spoken to Mom at least twice daily for decades. Talking to her yesterday I realized that none of us are grown up when it comes to losing our Mothers. we all become little frightened girls.

For a long time I remained in Darling Husband's arms, letting the tears flow and the pain overwhelm me. He is my rock, his arms a sanctuary, his love and caring how I will get through the loss of my Mom. I need strength to get through this, to travel for the first time as a blind person, to arrange her affairs, to carry her ashes back to Oklahoma and bury them next to my beloved daughter.

Checking flights and greyhound info and comparing that to being driven up there. Flying into Dayton, I'd need to hire a taxi to get to Wapakoneta, over an hour away. Either my electric trike goes, I walk, or call a taxi from Lima Ohio to come to Wapakoneta Ohio once I'm up there. The town is more than large enough to support a taxi service. I had tried to find a transportation service of any sort months ago to take Mom to the grocery store and out to run errands. There weren't any to be had for love or money. The grocery store is over a mile from her apartment, the funeral home is over two. The temperature was 11 degrees today. I have a reason why I do not live up there. Too cold.

Alternating between making arrangements and cleaning cupboards. Slept for about 4 hours this afternoon, now I'm wide awake and going strong. I'm not concentrating well. 

I received an order from Amazon this afternoon and was storing the box in the closet. It hit me that I no longer need boxes, no more packages will ever again be sent to my Mother. 

My soul hurts, I want my Mommy.