Wow! I discovered this evening that my night vision has completely disappeared. Walking into my bedroom I can usually make out the white sheets and pillows from the light filtering through the hallway. Tonight there was nothing. I could make out the huge red blob that is my husband's clock. Everything else was pitch black and remained that way. Time to call my eye specialist tomorrow and let him know. Also, I need to keep a flashlight by the bed. I'm so not ready for this, not yet, not darkness.
Worked on paperwork most of the day, then ended up napping for an hour or so. Still feeling sluggish and plan to hit the bed shortly.
The weekend begins in a few hours, and I think that after the past couple of weeks that we are both ready for a break. Don't know what we'll do yet, after my Husband gets off of work Saturday afternoon we are free until Tuesday morning. Maybe go out of town for something neither doctor or funeral related. Our last vacation was a year ago, too long without a real break.
This month has a blue moon, and I'll miss seeing it. Not being able to see the moon and stars has really bothered me. Something I always enjoyed and took for granted. Now I can see them on the Internet. Pictures from the Hubble telescope fascinate me, just the vastness and the beauty of our universe amazes me. The pictures coming back from Mars have caught my interest too. I love the idea that someday humans may be living there as well as on the moon. I hope that it happens in my lifetime. Just to know that all of our genes are no longer kept in one basket, and that the human race will spread out to the stars is wonderful and exciting to me. Just as explorers travelled to the new world centuries ago, now mankind can once again seek new places to colonize.
I ordered movies from the library, Ma and Pa Kettles, Gigi, and some comedies. I'm not wasting what is left of my sight on depressing things. Anything I watch has to entertain me and/or show me new and fascinating places that I've not yet seen. Travel videos are next after these. That way when we go places I'll have them fixed in my memories.
I'm done watching politics and the news, I only want to see good things for now. Maybe I'm wrong for that, and I can live with it. Too many horrific things are shown. The sights and sounds of people jumping from the world trade centers on September 11, 2001 will never leave me. I still see and hear that in my dreams.
I just want to see beauty now for as long as I can. I want my last bits of sight to include the faces of my loved ones, of flowers, of art and architecture. Those are what will get me through the darkness, the memories of colors and shapes. The memory of the blond curls and blue eyes of my granddaughter. I'll still see that in my head when she is grown.
Enough for now, I'm tired. Just received a postcard from my pillows saying "Wish you were here."
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Returning to what passes for normalcy.
After months of chaos, we're ready to settle down and have a normal life again. To work, to enjoy gardening rather than rushing through it so we can go do other things. It has been months since we sat on the patio during the evening, just chatting and listening to the birds and crickets. We're overdue to watch the sunset. I can still see the colors of it, and want to see as many of them as I can. Don't really care about the sunrises, after years of having to be an early bird I've seen enough of them.
Tomorrow I will once again begin using Brocante Home's "Trash It Or Treasure It". Weeding through decades of things accumulated while raising a family is a big job. Item by item going through drawers, closets and cupboards I find more things with each pass. I keep children's books for the grandchildren, but other children's things are being let go to find new homes.
My life needs to be simplified, less to keep track of and less to clean. I don't want to be owned by my things, to spend my life caring for things that are no longer useful. The time freed up by letting things go is time I can spend doing what I want to do. Working over 60 hours a week for years I would dream of what I would and could do once there was time. Time is a gift to me, and, while going blind has really screwed with the plans I had made for the time I would someday have, I will not waste the time I have. There is a notebook with lists of things I can do, of things I'd like to do, of things I'd like to learn, places I'd like to see. I work also in that notebook on laying out the kind of life that I want to live, what my life will become during the decades to come. The kind of person that I want to become. I write down ideas of the way I want to dress and look, defining my style. I write down ideas for classes I want to take, several already downloaded and begun, others found on websites and noted for the future. My husband will retire in a few years and I want things in place so that we can have fun, traveling and having adventures when the mood strikes. So much to get lined out and put into place while I still have a little bit of sight. It will keep me busy for quite some time. I plan to live the life I dream of, to celebrate every day, to play, to laugh. Actually to have a happy childhood, one that began when I turned 50. It's going to be great......
Tomorrow I will once again begin using Brocante Home's "Trash It Or Treasure It". Weeding through decades of things accumulated while raising a family is a big job. Item by item going through drawers, closets and cupboards I find more things with each pass. I keep children's books for the grandchildren, but other children's things are being let go to find new homes.
My life needs to be simplified, less to keep track of and less to clean. I don't want to be owned by my things, to spend my life caring for things that are no longer useful. The time freed up by letting things go is time I can spend doing what I want to do. Working over 60 hours a week for years I would dream of what I would and could do once there was time. Time is a gift to me, and, while going blind has really screwed with the plans I had made for the time I would someday have, I will not waste the time I have. There is a notebook with lists of things I can do, of things I'd like to do, of things I'd like to learn, places I'd like to see. I work also in that notebook on laying out the kind of life that I want to live, what my life will become during the decades to come. The kind of person that I want to become. I write down ideas of the way I want to dress and look, defining my style. I write down ideas for classes I want to take, several already downloaded and begun, others found on websites and noted for the future. My husband will retire in a few years and I want things in place so that we can have fun, traveling and having adventures when the mood strikes. So much to get lined out and put into place while I still have a little bit of sight. It will keep me busy for quite some time. I plan to live the life I dream of, to celebrate every day, to play, to laugh. Actually to have a happy childhood, one that began when I turned 50. It's going to be great......
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Funeral
It's the one party where you're the guest of honor, and you can't enjoy yourself. It's also your last one. Today we said farewell to my mother-in-law, Molly. She would have liked seeing herself in her favorite outfit, smelling all of the lovely flowers. She would have loved the little ones on her lap just one more time, hearing their laughter. She left us long ago due to Alzheimer's, but her body and that sweet smile stayed with us until last week when cancer got the best of her. Her favorite songs were sung, and the sun coming through the stained glass windows cast beautiful color throughout the sanctuary. I hurt for our family, the love that each one knew from that delightful lady. Her oldest child, my Husband, is coping with the loss now of both parents in a matter of months. Her Husband, a kind man in his 90's, now is alone with his caretakers. With poor health, I wonder if he won't be far behind her. Tonight, he'll be alone in their bed, and my heart aches for him. It was so difficult to see his pain as he said goodbye to his love. Each one grieves in their own way, and has their own time and manner of healing. Tomorrow will begin the healing, the coming to terms with the changes involved with losing a loved one. Tonight, though, there will be many wet pillows from people crying themselves to sleep, and that's okay. Tears are reminders that we love others, that we care, that we feel, that we hurt not just for ourselves but for other people too. That we're human.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Reflections
My Husband's Mother passed away this week. She was a lovely lady with a radiant smile. She'd had Alzheimer's for the last 10 years or so, by the time I joined the family she no longer knew who anyone was. She did know, though, who she loved. Her face would light up and she loved to snuggle together and just be with those whom she was fond of. She never knew my name, but she would recognize my face, and to her that was enough. I wish I could have known her long ago when she was raising the family that became mine when I married into it. The qualities that are part of the loving family that welcomed me came in part from her. There are photos of her all over the house, the most recent ones were taken on Mother's Day, which was also her birthday. I took those of her with her sons, hoping that my camera would do it's job properly as I could no longer see the screen or to focus. Thankfully, they turned out great. I'm grateful for that, so many don't turn out anymore. Her funeral will be in a few days, and I hate the thought of saying farewell to her for the last time. Our last words to each other were I love you. I did so love the woman who gave birth to and raised the wonderful man that I've married.
My own Mother begins chemotherapy on Monday. She has lung cancer, the same thing that my Mother-In-Law just died of. It's horrible to begin the same cycle of loss that we're still going through. I'm not ready to lose a parent, to say farewell to someone who has been a huge part of my life for the last 51 years. We talk frequently, at least twice weekly, and have for years. I cannot imagine life without her in it. I worry about her up in Ohio. She wants to live up there close to her Mother and Sister, and while she likes it there, her Mother is dying too. I hope that Mom goes before Grandma. Grandma has Alzheimer's and won't know that Mom is gone, but it would destroy Mom to lose her Mother especially as sick as she is now. It was so hard on them when my Daughter died. I didn't think Mom would survive the loss of my Daughter, they were so close. Too much loss, her absence is felt daily by all of us.
A heart can only take so much pain, so much breaking. Lately, I try to keep so busy that I cannot focus on all of it. I send frequent boxes to Mom, with books, movies, craft items, candy and other things. It doesn't take the place of going up there and visiting, but it helps.
I'm not ready to travel by myself as a blind person, to rely on strangers and a white cane to find my way around almost 1000 miles from home. As it is, I barely find my way around Wal-Mart to grocery shop with a huge magnifying glass and a shopping list with items written in inch tall letters. I took a cab by myself yesterday for the first time since losing my sight. He got me to where I needed to go, even going so far as to load and unload things for me. That was kind, and lately I need kindness.
Lately I feel fragile in ways that health issues alone don't cause. My heart hurts too much, and I just want peace. I hurt, too, for my Husband. He has just lost his Mother this week. Just this past January he also lost his Father. What a nightmare to lose both parents in such a short time. I cannot imagine anything so awful.
It makes me grateful to have living parents. My 3 Dads and 3 of my 4 Moms are still alive. All elderly, ranging in age from 60 to 82. Being the product of an open adoption and family who believed in marriage (and lots of it), meant that I had more people to love. Lots of parents, grandparents, sisters, etc. Just not all in the same places at the same time. Some sisters I did not meet until we were adults. More to love, and that is the key. To know that I'll never be alone.......
My own Mother begins chemotherapy on Monday. She has lung cancer, the same thing that my Mother-In-Law just died of. It's horrible to begin the same cycle of loss that we're still going through. I'm not ready to lose a parent, to say farewell to someone who has been a huge part of my life for the last 51 years. We talk frequently, at least twice weekly, and have for years. I cannot imagine life without her in it. I worry about her up in Ohio. She wants to live up there close to her Mother and Sister, and while she likes it there, her Mother is dying too. I hope that Mom goes before Grandma. Grandma has Alzheimer's and won't know that Mom is gone, but it would destroy Mom to lose her Mother especially as sick as she is now. It was so hard on them when my Daughter died. I didn't think Mom would survive the loss of my Daughter, they were so close. Too much loss, her absence is felt daily by all of us.
A heart can only take so much pain, so much breaking. Lately, I try to keep so busy that I cannot focus on all of it. I send frequent boxes to Mom, with books, movies, craft items, candy and other things. It doesn't take the place of going up there and visiting, but it helps.
I'm not ready to travel by myself as a blind person, to rely on strangers and a white cane to find my way around almost 1000 miles from home. As it is, I barely find my way around Wal-Mart to grocery shop with a huge magnifying glass and a shopping list with items written in inch tall letters. I took a cab by myself yesterday for the first time since losing my sight. He got me to where I needed to go, even going so far as to load and unload things for me. That was kind, and lately I need kindness.
Lately I feel fragile in ways that health issues alone don't cause. My heart hurts too much, and I just want peace. I hurt, too, for my Husband. He has just lost his Mother this week. Just this past January he also lost his Father. What a nightmare to lose both parents in such a short time. I cannot imagine anything so awful.
It makes me grateful to have living parents. My 3 Dads and 3 of my 4 Moms are still alive. All elderly, ranging in age from 60 to 82. Being the product of an open adoption and family who believed in marriage (and lots of it), meant that I had more people to love. Lots of parents, grandparents, sisters, etc. Just not all in the same places at the same time. Some sisters I did not meet until we were adults. More to love, and that is the key. To know that I'll never be alone.......
Friday, August 17, 2012
The Weekend Is Here!
New news, getting blood work to test for auto immune retinopathy. Maybe an answer will be forthcoming after almost 2 years. Just an answer as to why I'm going blind would be a relief. I feel bad for my Husband, we had only been married for 4 months when my sight started disappearing. We sure didn't plan for that in our happily ever after.
Trying to get used to the word blind, I know that I am, but it's one of those terms that I just can't wrap my head around as applying to me. Sight has deteriorated to the finger counting stage. I use a magnifying glass in order to type on the iPad. I need to set up my computer so I can use it more easily. Web pages are set to come up at 400%, and it's still tough to read.
This evening we wen't to a friend's home and swam in his pool for a couple of hours. So nice to relax in the water, feeling weightless for awhile, no pressure on my joints as I float. Lovely time. Tomorrow promises to be busy. My Husband has to work part of the day and then plays racquetball with his brother. I'll get housework done while that is going on. Afterwards we'll go see my mother-in-law, hit the library for a quick drop off and pick up, and then do the grocery shopping. I hope that we will then be done with our running for the weekend. I'd love a day to just relax with my husband with nothing that we have to go or do.
Next week I'd like to start watching all of the Walt Disney movies in my collection. Not knowing how much longer I'll be able to see anything, I'll start with my very favorites. Snow White and Cinderella are on the top of my list. There are other movies I'd like to see again, the list is growing and they will all be stacked in a basket waiting to be seen. Perhaps one every day or two for as long as I can.
I have more family photos waiting to be framed and added to the bookcase that takes up an entire wall in the living room. We have so much family between us, 9 generations worth of pictures going from the 1860's to just weeks ago. Not enough space for everyone, but pretty close. It really bugs me to think that I won't see them for much longer, all of the pictures are a blur to my eyes and I try to fix every loved one in my memories. Somedays I mourn my lack of sight much more than others. Just blurry little circles of sight left, for the most part I can accept it, but at other times I get so angry and down, not understanding why it's happened to me. Short term pity parties as each new bit is lost. When I find things I can do I get excited and feel a real sense of accomplishment. Seems as though life is a real roller coaster of emotions and feelings, never steady anymore.the loss of independence is truly difficult. Giving up driving broke my heart, I became no longer free to just come and go as I pleased. Depending on others, even ones who love and want to help me is hard. Pride is something I've always had plenty of, and it's hard to ask for help. Something else new to learn.......
Trying to get used to the word blind, I know that I am, but it's one of those terms that I just can't wrap my head around as applying to me. Sight has deteriorated to the finger counting stage. I use a magnifying glass in order to type on the iPad. I need to set up my computer so I can use it more easily. Web pages are set to come up at 400%, and it's still tough to read.
This evening we wen't to a friend's home and swam in his pool for a couple of hours. So nice to relax in the water, feeling weightless for awhile, no pressure on my joints as I float. Lovely time. Tomorrow promises to be busy. My Husband has to work part of the day and then plays racquetball with his brother. I'll get housework done while that is going on. Afterwards we'll go see my mother-in-law, hit the library for a quick drop off and pick up, and then do the grocery shopping. I hope that we will then be done with our running for the weekend. I'd love a day to just relax with my husband with nothing that we have to go or do.
Next week I'd like to start watching all of the Walt Disney movies in my collection. Not knowing how much longer I'll be able to see anything, I'll start with my very favorites. Snow White and Cinderella are on the top of my list. There are other movies I'd like to see again, the list is growing and they will all be stacked in a basket waiting to be seen. Perhaps one every day or two for as long as I can.
I have more family photos waiting to be framed and added to the bookcase that takes up an entire wall in the living room. We have so much family between us, 9 generations worth of pictures going from the 1860's to just weeks ago. Not enough space for everyone, but pretty close. It really bugs me to think that I won't see them for much longer, all of the pictures are a blur to my eyes and I try to fix every loved one in my memories. Somedays I mourn my lack of sight much more than others. Just blurry little circles of sight left, for the most part I can accept it, but at other times I get so angry and down, not understanding why it's happened to me. Short term pity parties as each new bit is lost. When I find things I can do I get excited and feel a real sense of accomplishment. Seems as though life is a real roller coaster of emotions and feelings, never steady anymore.the loss of independence is truly difficult. Giving up driving broke my heart, I became no longer free to just come and go as I pleased. Depending on others, even ones who love and want to help me is hard. Pride is something I've always had plenty of, and it's hard to ask for help. Something else new to learn.......
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Teaser
We got just enough rain to tease this morning. I was out in my sunglasses and hat trying to keep my hydrangeas alive. No pockets in my dress,so I stuck my phone under my hat to keep it dry. The dog and cat follow me around the yard while I water, the dog being careful to stay out of reach of the garden hose. When the sprinklers are turned on she runs inside, afraid that she'll end up getting a bath. Never mind that the only baths I have ever given her have been in the tub. At 60 pounds it's a battle to get her in there and to keep her there until she is clean. The only part she enjoys is the spritz of perfume afterwards because she knows that I'm done messing with her.
My Son came over this afternoon, it was nice to see him for awhile. Dinner tonight was "Deja Vu" at our house, which is what we always called leftovers. The term translates as "already seen". The dinner tonight was ham and beans with cornbread. I use the Marie Callender's recipe for the cornbread. So far it's the best one that I've found, thick, slightly sweet, almost cake like in texture. Definitely not southern style, but so tasty.
I love cooking for my Husband, to him a home cooked meal is still a treat, even after a couple of years of marriage. Adapting to less and less vision in the kitchen has been very rough. I've burned a lot of food, ruined many loaves of bread. I get so fed up sometimes when I'm cooking. I've done it for so long, and when things go wrong due to not being able to see what I'm doing, I get angry. I just have to start over and try again. There's something about cooking from scratch that's so enjoyable. The way that food smells as it simmers, and serving up something delicious that is homemade makes me happy. The whole cooking process has had to be modified somewhat and as I become less fearful around boiling hot temperatures it becomes easier. Tempting sometimes to give it up and cook box meals. Zatarain's side dishes are about as close as I come to simple cooking. I refuse to buy anything with the word "helper" in it. Too much pride to make foods like that, even when I was working 60 to 75 hour workweeks. Not to mention unhealthy for a growing family, it's better to cook for and feed children real food.
Tonight we're watching football, the season is beginning again. Here in Oklahoma there are 3 religions. They are in no particular order.... Baptist, Southern Baptist and Football. Friends on Facebook are already waving their Steeler's towels, which makes me laugh. Some even have rooms entirely devoted to their favorite team. That's devotion to their team. I just like listening to the games, not caring too much about who is playing. Exception to that statement is when the Indiana Hoosiers or the OSU Cowboys are playing. I just have to root for them.
My Son came over this afternoon, it was nice to see him for awhile. Dinner tonight was "Deja Vu" at our house, which is what we always called leftovers. The term translates as "already seen". The dinner tonight was ham and beans with cornbread. I use the Marie Callender's recipe for the cornbread. So far it's the best one that I've found, thick, slightly sweet, almost cake like in texture. Definitely not southern style, but so tasty.
I love cooking for my Husband, to him a home cooked meal is still a treat, even after a couple of years of marriage. Adapting to less and less vision in the kitchen has been very rough. I've burned a lot of food, ruined many loaves of bread. I get so fed up sometimes when I'm cooking. I've done it for so long, and when things go wrong due to not being able to see what I'm doing, I get angry. I just have to start over and try again. There's something about cooking from scratch that's so enjoyable. The way that food smells as it simmers, and serving up something delicious that is homemade makes me happy. The whole cooking process has had to be modified somewhat and as I become less fearful around boiling hot temperatures it becomes easier. Tempting sometimes to give it up and cook box meals. Zatarain's side dishes are about as close as I come to simple cooking. I refuse to buy anything with the word "helper" in it. Too much pride to make foods like that, even when I was working 60 to 75 hour workweeks. Not to mention unhealthy for a growing family, it's better to cook for and feed children real food.
Tonight we're watching football, the season is beginning again. Here in Oklahoma there are 3 religions. They are in no particular order.... Baptist, Southern Baptist and Football. Friends on Facebook are already waving their Steeler's towels, which makes me laugh. Some even have rooms entirely devoted to their favorite team. That's devotion to their team. I just like listening to the games, not caring too much about who is playing. Exception to that statement is when the Indiana Hoosiers or the OSU Cowboys are playing. I just have to root for them.
Sleepless night
What to do when you can't sleep? Sleepless nights are, for the most part, pretty much over now. Tonight is a rare one. After tossing and turning for a couple of hours, I got up and made a glass of spearmint tea. Sitting on floor pillows just because I can. Floor pillows and beanbag chairs are scattered in the living room, I love the mood that they add to a fairly traditional decor. To keep them from being too casual I've covered the beanbags with throws fitted on them. Keeps them more comfortable and does dress up the room.
I enjoy the late night quiet when I'm up, it was something that I anticipated so much when the children were growing up. A little peace with my thoughts to keep me company as I would unwind for a bit before calling it a night. No demands, no responsibility, no noise. I appreciated it a lot more then, but I still think of it as a special time.
Still adjusting to city life, the noise never really goes away, it plays as it's own soundtrack. I keep music or a white noise machine playing during the day. Too much traffic noise, and we live between 2 hospitals. Add sirens and helicopters to the cars and trucks, and it gets to be a bit loud. Someday I'll probably get to the point where I no longer notice it.
Really should be asleep, I want to be enjoying the morning before the sun rises over the house. I miss being able to enjoy sunlight, just to feel it on me as I dig in the dirt. I've planted a lot of seeds to replace the plants that the heat killed off. Need to get more catnip seeds to plant for the cat, she looks in "her planter" everyday to see if there is any to munch on. I've planted 3 pots of spearmint, and a lot of petunias and cosmos. Most of the rescue mission is dead, I need to pull up the dead plants and reseed it also. It looks pathetic in places and it reminds me of my daughter teasing me. She always called my houseplants " death row ". For good reason, I had a brown thumb for a long time. With cooler temperatures these new seeds should do fine.
I enjoy the late night quiet when I'm up, it was something that I anticipated so much when the children were growing up. A little peace with my thoughts to keep me company as I would unwind for a bit before calling it a night. No demands, no responsibility, no noise. I appreciated it a lot more then, but I still think of it as a special time.
Still adjusting to city life, the noise never really goes away, it plays as it's own soundtrack. I keep music or a white noise machine playing during the day. Too much traffic noise, and we live between 2 hospitals. Add sirens and helicopters to the cars and trucks, and it gets to be a bit loud. Someday I'll probably get to the point where I no longer notice it.
Really should be asleep, I want to be enjoying the morning before the sun rises over the house. I miss being able to enjoy sunlight, just to feel it on me as I dig in the dirt. I've planted a lot of seeds to replace the plants that the heat killed off. Need to get more catnip seeds to plant for the cat, she looks in "her planter" everyday to see if there is any to munch on. I've planted 3 pots of spearmint, and a lot of petunias and cosmos. Most of the rescue mission is dead, I need to pull up the dead plants and reseed it also. It looks pathetic in places and it reminds me of my daughter teasing me. She always called my houseplants " death row ". For good reason, I had a brown thumb for a long time. With cooler temperatures these new seeds should do fine.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
A very good day
Today was great! Got the laundry caught up, watered outside, enjoyed the overcast (thank you mother nature) day, visited with my youngest and had a great Dr. visit. Would be better if it was my eye specialist giving good news, but I can't have everything. As it stands, my GP said that my medicine changes are going great. Side effect of one of them is that it's also for arthritis, so I'm out of pain for the first time since May 9, 2001. It's so nice to not hurt, I've lived with pain for so long that I keep being startled by the fact that the pain is no longer here. Even with a weather front in the area, I feel good. Miracle drugs as far as I'm concerned.
Dinner was a pot of ham and beans served with cornbread. Seemed like a terrific meal to celebrate cooler temperatures that have shown up. I had doors and windows opened up and the AC turned off most of the day.
Dinner was a pot of ham and beans served with cornbread. Seemed like a terrific meal to celebrate cooler temperatures that have shown up. I had doors and windows opened up and the AC turned off most of the day.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
The Purging Process
The purge continues, each day I go through cupboards, closets and drawers deciding if each item benefits my life. So many things I've added for one reason or another, most good reasons at the time. For instance, I gave almost all of my baby items and furniture to a young family just starting out when I lived in Houston, a month later I got pregnant again. After that I kept a box full of baby clothes and cloth diapers. More than 20 years later, I finally let it go.
I'm using "Trash It Or Treasure It" from Alison May over at BrocanteHome to help with the weeding process. It's about a 6 month process to work your way through everything. She covers different areas of the home, as well as the reasons we hang onto things. I'm really enjoying using it as I go through possessions and decide what really is worth it to me to keep in my life.
So many things are brought home and given space to and then are never touched again other than to clean. I purged a lot when I moved to Oklahoma City, things that my son no longer wanted, tons of things that my ex left when he began his new life, my daughter's furniture and possessions, and things that were no longer part of my life. I ended up selling that 3 bedroom home fully furnished and had still brought a lot with me. Now, I find myself still opening boxes and adding most of them to either the trash can or the charity pile.
The things that I am keeping are the ones that are truly special, ones that I love and, if they are here they must look nice.
I have one small box left of momentos that are special to me, items from family, a couple of gifts from special friends. Silly things like almost every stub from concerts I've attended, a pencil my grandpa used. Some things are meant to be there in a memory box, not for monetary value, but because of something special that brings fond memories when you see it.
As I look over our home I still see areas to go through, but I also see space opening up, breathing room. I'm not bothered by empty spaces, they give the opportunity for new experiences and memories, and yes, even new things to come into my life.
I'm using "Trash It Or Treasure It" from Alison May over at BrocanteHome to help with the weeding process. It's about a 6 month process to work your way through everything. She covers different areas of the home, as well as the reasons we hang onto things. I'm really enjoying using it as I go through possessions and decide what really is worth it to me to keep in my life.
So many things are brought home and given space to and then are never touched again other than to clean. I purged a lot when I moved to Oklahoma City, things that my son no longer wanted, tons of things that my ex left when he began his new life, my daughter's furniture and possessions, and things that were no longer part of my life. I ended up selling that 3 bedroom home fully furnished and had still brought a lot with me. Now, I find myself still opening boxes and adding most of them to either the trash can or the charity pile.
The things that I am keeping are the ones that are truly special, ones that I love and, if they are here they must look nice.
I have one small box left of momentos that are special to me, items from family, a couple of gifts from special friends. Silly things like almost every stub from concerts I've attended, a pencil my grandpa used. Some things are meant to be there in a memory box, not for monetary value, but because of something special that brings fond memories when you see it.
As I look over our home I still see areas to go through, but I also see space opening up, breathing room. I'm not bothered by empty spaces, they give the opportunity for new experiences and memories, and yes, even new things to come into my life.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Week beginnings
Monday begins with a call to my favorite appliance guy. A something or other has gone wrong with the washing machine and a mound of sopping sheets are piled in a bin. My schedule is off already, so I head upstairs to put on a pot of chocolate/raspberry coffee. Looking over the to-do list are things I just did on Friday that really don't need re-doing. Pouring a cup of freshly brewed coffee into a lovely china cup, I decide a break is in order while pondering my morning.
With children no longer living at home the house stays clean. I don't have to clean constantly the way I did when it seemed that the housework never ended from 1981 to 2011. So nice to clean and polish things and still have them look lovely days later.
I head outside to begin the watering. Today being an odd numbered day I can turn on the sprinklers and let them do most of the work. I look forward to rain, this drought and the extreme temperatures have been rough this year. Usually for me it's so hard to let go of summer, but somehow this time round I'm looking forward to pulling out the sweaters and boots, sorting through the basket of gloves and mittens.
My garden has suffered even with twice daily watering. I haven't written it off, but am making plans for next year. Wonderful plants with huge blossoms that I will be able to see as well as smell. This year too many were chosen for looks alone. One of my gardens is referred to as "the rescue mission". It has hd the roughest time surviving. Next year will be better for it.
After a couple of hours of watering things start to perk up outside, the birds and the squirrels play in the sprinklers. I can no longer watch them playing, but can hear them splashing and making noise.
Our elderly cat waits in the bushes, hoping to catch one of them unawares. She weighs less than 5 pounds, is 12 years old and has no claws, but she is a tiger in a tiny tuxedo. I don't have the heart to discourage her, she tries so hard to be a great huntress.
Heading back inside, I pause to turn on some music, and decide to tackle the Christmas closet..
Part of simplifying my life is weeding through the floor to ceiling closet full of trees and decor. I really don't need 3 trees for the living room alone and trees for every room of the house, do I? Such a huge job, and one I prefer to do before it's time to put up the decorations the day after thanksgiving. If I wait until then I'll feel too sentimental to get rid of anything. There are so many memories though in every box. Ornaments going back 4 generations on each side of the family. Then, there are my daughter's ornaments, collected from the time she was born and added to until Christmas 2005, the last Christmas before she died. Those are the ones that hurt my heart, and yet, after giving many of them to her friends and our relatives in her memory, there are still so many of them that still go on the tree every year.. I miss her so much, that after all of this time it still hurts so much to not have her here.
Those ornaments stay, and I begin weeding through the garlands, the extra trees and wreaths. Pulling out old Christmas wrapping paper to cover the books on the living room shelves this holiday season. Perhaps I can weed out at least a third of the decor, ideally half, but that may wait another year.......
Back to cleaning while listening to a show on Greek building techniques, I wish that I could see it, relying on my memories of photos of Greek architecture. They talked of ways of building in a manner that made the buildings appear perfect. In my mind I picture the ways in which the columns were shaped. Greece has always been on my wish list of places to visit, perhaps someday....
With children no longer living at home the house stays clean. I don't have to clean constantly the way I did when it seemed that the housework never ended from 1981 to 2011. So nice to clean and polish things and still have them look lovely days later.
I head outside to begin the watering. Today being an odd numbered day I can turn on the sprinklers and let them do most of the work. I look forward to rain, this drought and the extreme temperatures have been rough this year. Usually for me it's so hard to let go of summer, but somehow this time round I'm looking forward to pulling out the sweaters and boots, sorting through the basket of gloves and mittens.
My garden has suffered even with twice daily watering. I haven't written it off, but am making plans for next year. Wonderful plants with huge blossoms that I will be able to see as well as smell. This year too many were chosen for looks alone. One of my gardens is referred to as "the rescue mission". It has hd the roughest time surviving. Next year will be better for it.
After a couple of hours of watering things start to perk up outside, the birds and the squirrels play in the sprinklers. I can no longer watch them playing, but can hear them splashing and making noise.
Our elderly cat waits in the bushes, hoping to catch one of them unawares. She weighs less than 5 pounds, is 12 years old and has no claws, but she is a tiger in a tiny tuxedo. I don't have the heart to discourage her, she tries so hard to be a great huntress.
Heading back inside, I pause to turn on some music, and decide to tackle the Christmas closet..
Part of simplifying my life is weeding through the floor to ceiling closet full of trees and decor. I really don't need 3 trees for the living room alone and trees for every room of the house, do I? Such a huge job, and one I prefer to do before it's time to put up the decorations the day after thanksgiving. If I wait until then I'll feel too sentimental to get rid of anything. There are so many memories though in every box. Ornaments going back 4 generations on each side of the family. Then, there are my daughter's ornaments, collected from the time she was born and added to until Christmas 2005, the last Christmas before she died. Those are the ones that hurt my heart, and yet, after giving many of them to her friends and our relatives in her memory, there are still so many of them that still go on the tree every year.. I miss her so much, that after all of this time it still hurts so much to not have her here.
Those ornaments stay, and I begin weeding through the garlands, the extra trees and wreaths. Pulling out old Christmas wrapping paper to cover the books on the living room shelves this holiday season. Perhaps I can weed out at least a third of the decor, ideally half, but that may wait another year.......
Back to cleaning while listening to a show on Greek building techniques, I wish that I could see it, relying on my memories of photos of Greek architecture. They talked of ways of building in a manner that made the buildings appear perfect. In my mind I picture the ways in which the columns were shaped. Greece has always been on my wish list of places to visit, perhaps someday....
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Weekend ending
We spent Saturday at the family reunion for my husband's side of the family. This one was bittersweet because my father-in-law passed away last January. As much as we loved seeing everyone, it just wasn't the same without Max there. We all talked a lot, oohed and aahed over all of the little ones, ate too much and of course took photos.
Today, we ran to the library. I order the books at the librarie's website and they deliver them to any branch in the county that I prefer. Too much eye strain involved with using a magnifying glass going up and down each aisle to see what books that there are available. Now, it's a simple matter of dropping off the ones in my bag while the librarian gets the ones that I've ordered from the back. I do miss spending time in the library. It's been a home away from home no matter where I've lived over the years.
I finally ordered Braille lessons today. Regular books are too difficult to read even with a couple of magnifying glasses anymore and the large print aren't much better. I may not be able to read with my eyes for much longer but I'll learn to do it with my fingers. Not reading is not an option. I've spent my life surrounded by books, usually a big basket full ready and waiting to be read along with bookcases full of them.
I've downsized my home library again, I tend to do it a few dozen at a time, although a couple of times in my life I let go of more than a thousand in a huge purge. I'm finally down now to my absolute favorites, ones that won't ever be let go of. I'm keeping them in hopes of my sight being restored so I can once again hold them a read normally. I truly mourn the loss of sight when it comes to just being able to pick up a book and read through it. It's been something I've done all of my life, part of just being me. I've always been curious, wanting to learn new things. If I couldn't afford a class then I'd just purchase textbooks on the topic of the moment. With Braille and online courses I should be able to adapt and keep doing what I love.
Looking for hobbies I can do without sight and realized that I can still crochet. I found some beautiful turquoise and blue yarn and have begun working on an afghan. I got so excited to be able to do something that I really enjoy. There's a never ending list of things that I can't do anymore. It gets so frustrating. I try to keep doing the things that I love and end up in tears so often. When I find things that I can still do I rejoice. Small victories, and yet so very important to me. I've always been a person who can do things. When I got hit by a car back in 2001, I had to learn to adapt. There were things that I couldn't do, so I took up new hobbies and activities. Now, most of those things are now on the unable to do list. So, I'll keep hunting for things that I can do, or that I can learn new ways of doing. I'll not spend my life in a rocker while the old passes me by.
Today, we ran to the library. I order the books at the librarie's website and they deliver them to any branch in the county that I prefer. Too much eye strain involved with using a magnifying glass going up and down each aisle to see what books that there are available. Now, it's a simple matter of dropping off the ones in my bag while the librarian gets the ones that I've ordered from the back. I do miss spending time in the library. It's been a home away from home no matter where I've lived over the years.
I finally ordered Braille lessons today. Regular books are too difficult to read even with a couple of magnifying glasses anymore and the large print aren't much better. I may not be able to read with my eyes for much longer but I'll learn to do it with my fingers. Not reading is not an option. I've spent my life surrounded by books, usually a big basket full ready and waiting to be read along with bookcases full of them.
I've downsized my home library again, I tend to do it a few dozen at a time, although a couple of times in my life I let go of more than a thousand in a huge purge. I'm finally down now to my absolute favorites, ones that won't ever be let go of. I'm keeping them in hopes of my sight being restored so I can once again hold them a read normally. I truly mourn the loss of sight when it comes to just being able to pick up a book and read through it. It's been something I've done all of my life, part of just being me. I've always been curious, wanting to learn new things. If I couldn't afford a class then I'd just purchase textbooks on the topic of the moment. With Braille and online courses I should be able to adapt and keep doing what I love.
Looking for hobbies I can do without sight and realized that I can still crochet. I found some beautiful turquoise and blue yarn and have begun working on an afghan. I got so excited to be able to do something that I really enjoy. There's a never ending list of things that I can't do anymore. It gets so frustrating. I try to keep doing the things that I love and end up in tears so often. When I find things that I can still do I rejoice. Small victories, and yet so very important to me. I've always been a person who can do things. When I got hit by a car back in 2001, I had to learn to adapt. There were things that I couldn't do, so I took up new hobbies and activities. Now, most of those things are now on the unable to do list. So, I'll keep hunting for things that I can do, or that I can learn new ways of doing. I'll not spend my life in a rocker while the old passes me by.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Another great day, with medicine changes taking effect I'm really not feeling up to much lately, so Arthur came over to do laundry and keep me company. It bothers me to not feel well, but as long as the housework is kept up with I cope. Managed to cook without burning myself, and now have to wait until the sun goes down far enough to be blocked by the house behind us so I can clean up the kitchen. Sunlight blinds me to the point where everything is like an overexposed photograph, all whited out with faint lines. Dark sunglasses and hats help somewhat when I'm outdoors, but not enough. I'd probably be better off living a schedule where I sleep during the day and stay up all night. Night blindness makes that option tough. What I need is an overcast world. No darkness or bright light would make it easier to see.
We redecorated the house last year. Ripping down panelling and wallpaper had to be done in every room. The kitchen had 3 layers of panelling in it with layers of vinyl glued between each one. Each room is painted with high contrast on the doors and trim. We also changed all of the lights to ones that are easier for me to see with. Now I no longer run into walls and doors because I can see them. If the doctors could do something about the dizziness that plagues me then I wouldn't fall or run into things anymore. All of the stairs are marked so I can see the edges. Amazing the difference that paint makes.
Last week one of the eye specialists asked me how I manage to get around the house. With stairs, trim and appliances marked I do better than I used to. My backyard is completely fenced, the front yard has driveways on two sides and the yard slopes down to the street. I can't get lost at home, so I feel pretty secure here. I have landmarks, too. Places where the heat pours in the afternoons from the sun hitting the brick walls. My rose garden is easily located by the smell, I locate my willow tree by the noise that the leaves make. The peach tree is always noisy with birdsong from the birdfeeder hanging in it. Unfortunately, I tend to frequently whack my head on the same birdfeeder. Small things, but each one familiar to me.
We redecorated the house last year. Ripping down panelling and wallpaper had to be done in every room. The kitchen had 3 layers of panelling in it with layers of vinyl glued between each one. Each room is painted with high contrast on the doors and trim. We also changed all of the lights to ones that are easier for me to see with. Now I no longer run into walls and doors because I can see them. If the doctors could do something about the dizziness that plagues me then I wouldn't fall or run into things anymore. All of the stairs are marked so I can see the edges. Amazing the difference that paint makes.
Last week one of the eye specialists asked me how I manage to get around the house. With stairs, trim and appliances marked I do better than I used to. My backyard is completely fenced, the front yard has driveways on two sides and the yard slopes down to the street. I can't get lost at home, so I feel pretty secure here. I have landmarks, too. Places where the heat pours in the afternoons from the sun hitting the brick walls. My rose garden is easily located by the smell, I locate my willow tree by the noise that the leaves make. The peach tree is always noisy with birdsong from the birdfeeder hanging in it. Unfortunately, I tend to frequently whack my head on the same birdfeeder. Small things, but each one familiar to me.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Wednesday with my Youngest Child
I spent today with my son, Arthur. It was wonderful to get to spend time together. Since he returned from Afghanistan and began working we don't have as much time to do things as we used to. It's fascinating to get to know the man he has become after all of these years of knowing him as a child. Spending time in a war zone changes people, gives them new ways of seeing and thinking about things.
We went to the Mediterranean Market today to shop for food that the local grocery stores just don't carry. Following that, we went down the street to the nearby Halal Market. We found foods today that we haven't been able to find since moving from Houston years ago. It's nice to have little grocery stores that carry unique products.
It was great to find dried spearmint in bulk to make tea with. The heat has killed off my mint plants this year, and there's really nothing else like a glass of iced mint tea when I'm relaxing after getting my housework done.
Before Arthur went to work this evening I made Barbeque chicken, baked beans and sweet potatoes for dinner. All one color on the plate, but it tasted good.
I'm happy that Arthur decided to settle here in the city when he returned from overseas. I had sold our old house while he was gone, closing on the sale the day before wildfires roared through the area last August. We found an apartment about 3 miles away for him. He loves it because best buy is a block away, Barnes and Noble bookstore is across the street and there are half a dozen fast food places within a few blocks. All of the comforts of bachelorhood, just the way he likes it.
It's great having one of my children close by, after raising children for 30 years, I am ready for them to be grown and enjoying their lives. But it's so nice to have family near enough to get together for holidays or even just an afternoon from time to time.
Raising children was a special time for me, I had so much fun taking babies and spending the years helping them grow into adulthood. There were a lot of great memories made.
We went to the Mediterranean Market today to shop for food that the local grocery stores just don't carry. Following that, we went down the street to the nearby Halal Market. We found foods today that we haven't been able to find since moving from Houston years ago. It's nice to have little grocery stores that carry unique products.
It was great to find dried spearmint in bulk to make tea with. The heat has killed off my mint plants this year, and there's really nothing else like a glass of iced mint tea when I'm relaxing after getting my housework done.
Before Arthur went to work this evening I made Barbeque chicken, baked beans and sweet potatoes for dinner. All one color on the plate, but it tasted good.
I'm happy that Arthur decided to settle here in the city when he returned from overseas. I had sold our old house while he was gone, closing on the sale the day before wildfires roared through the area last August. We found an apartment about 3 miles away for him. He loves it because best buy is a block away, Barnes and Noble bookstore is across the street and there are half a dozen fast food places within a few blocks. All of the comforts of bachelorhood, just the way he likes it.
It's great having one of my children close by, after raising children for 30 years, I am ready for them to be grown and enjoying their lives. But it's so nice to have family near enough to get together for holidays or even just an afternoon from time to time.
Raising children was a special time for me, I had so much fun taking babies and spending the years helping them grow into adulthood. There were a lot of great memories made.
Doggy Smiles
The dog is grinning at me, curled up in a leather chair. She seems to know that furniture begins with fur. One of the problems with losing sight is being able to see pet hair on things. It has come down to using the fur roller on the the chairs and sofas at least a couple of times daily. Long hair pets come with extra maintenance, and this one is no exception. Demeter is the name that she chose for herself, out of a list of names of goddesses. It was the only name that she became excited over, as if she recognized that name when she heard it spoken. She is an excellent pet and a great companion. She guards me with her life. That's the thing with rescue animals, their love and loyalty is just amazing. Once she got to the point where she realized that she would never go hungry or ever again be abused, she became a new creature. For a long time she would grab food from my plate and panic if her bowl got down to half full. I understood but had a hard time cooking or preparing food for a long time, knowing that if I stepped away from the counter or the table she would grab any food within reach.
It's funny that the only thing that she'll play with are her stuffed "babies". She'll carry them around and mother them, putting them back in her toy basket most of the time when she's finished playing with them.
She used to not be allowed in our bedroom. For a long time she'd wait until we went to bed, listening for our breathing to become even with sleep. Then, she would sneak into our room, stopping to look at us in bed to be sure we were asleep. She would go to my side of the bed and lay down next to my nightstand very quietly, hoping no one would wake up and send her out of the room.
Now, when my husband gets up in the morning she jumps up on his side of the bed and naps until I get up.
My husband will sometimes ask her if she wants to go, usually when we're running a quick errand. She will dance and spin circles as she heads to the door. I miss being able to drive. I used to take her up to my old house out in the country on Monday mornings, and we'd stay there until Thursday afternoons. It was a place where she could run and play, not like here in the city. There were rabbits to chase, woods to explore, and dusty lanes to walk down, the nearest paved road being almost a mile away. We loved it out there.
Tuesday night
My first post took a week to write, I'm hoping to get faster as I become more comfortable with the writing process. Tonight I'm watching the Olympics, getting up close to the tv to see the gymnasts. Their grace and skills are amazing, and the poise and maturity that those young women have is lovely to see. Quite a contrast to many of the young women seen when I'm out shopping, most of whom seem to live in pajamas or baggy t-shirts and shorts. I wonder often why young women dress like that. Is it because they weren't taught any better? Is it a lack of self esteem? Are they ashamed of being female? Are they saying that they are not interested in men, a good life, or being treated well by hiding themselves in ill fitting items that look as though they were dragged out from under the bed? I really don't understand. Why hide your beauty, why not be proud of who you are, of the gifts that you have? It's not price, beautiful clothing doesn't cost anymore than sweats if you know how to shop. It's not hard to shop for clothing that fits and looks nice. Sure, it takes more time than grabbing an xlarge t-shirt, but the difference is huge. Try dressing nicely and see how you're treated when you're out in public. It's a lot different than when you're dressed casually. The world does treat you better when you take the time to dress, do your hair and put on some lipgloss. I know, I've been out both ways in the world. Salespeople are more helpful, customer service is agreeable, strangers are friendly when the effort to look nice is made. It hurts to see someone treated poorly due to their appearance and to know that the fix is simple. Enough of that topic.....
Today we had a thunderstorm and hail, the first real rain that we've had in weeks. It was so welcome here where we're on water rationing and wildfires are burning much of our beautiful state. We've had record heat and stay indoors as much as possible. How on earth people survived without air conditioning is beyond me. Even the dog and cat stay in during the afternoon and evening hours. I'm looking forward to the autumn, wondering if this will be the last time I see the fall colors. I'm already planning to start making candy for the holidays. The ones made with liquor have to age for several months before they're ready to eat. September is usually when I begin making them.
This time last year we were traveling to California and then I took a solo trip to Indiana and Ohio to see family and friends. We had a lot of adventures, and a lot of fun. I gave mom a complete home makeover when I was up there. Furniture, housewares, decor, everything. It was fun to surprise her with it. We spent a lot of time visiting and playing catchup while I did it. Now she's in a nursing home after a couple of trips to the hospital, hoping to return to her home soon. With meals on wheels and home health care she'll be able to be on her own longer. I offered her a home here in Oklahoma, but she wants to live in Ohio near her mother and sister. It is hard to be that far away from her, we talk on the phone every couple of days. I do miss her a lot. I don't know if I would want to be so far away from my children and grandchildren........
Beginning the thoughts
This is my first blog post ever. There is much going on in my life right now. I'm not really writing for anyone but myself, making sense of changes that are occurring rapidly.
Today I visited more eye specialists, this time in Dallas. I'm afraid to be hopeful anymore, every time another eye disease is ruled out and I'm left with fewer options for a treatment and/or a cure. My vision is rapidly disappearing, there is not much left. Driving has ceased to be an option, as a result my world is shrinking. There is a new white cane in the corner mocking me, letting me know that soon I won't be leaving my home without it as a constant companion. I spend my time marking appliances with raised bumps on the controls so I can keep using them, learning to cook and clean with what sight is left, putting together coordinating outfits and organizing cupboards and groceries. I study photos of family and friends, not wanting to forget their faces. I watch favorite movies and tv shows on video, especially shows like Ally McBeal that are heavy on visual humor. I'm downloading classes that interest me and making lists of others that I want to take. Soon, I'll be adding Braille to that list, probably should get to it sooner than later. I'm purging cupboards and closets of decades worth of accumulation, in order to make housekeeping simple. I even plan to downsize the Christmas decor after collecting ornaments all of my life. There is much that I want to see and do while I still can. A year ago my Husband took me to Disneyland, a place that's been on the top of my wish list my entire life. It was everything I dreamed of and imagined. I mourn the sight that is gone, and appreciate the little that is left. I look for ways to keep doing the things that I enjoy doing, to do what I want with few restrictions, to adapt to a new way of life. I wonder what my grandchildren will look like as they grow up, as of now they are still toddlers. I need a friend to shop with who knows my taste in clothing, hair and makeup. One who won't point me in the direction of her taste, but will help me with the things that I know look great on me. I want to look pleasing, not just for myself, but also for my husband. I want for him to be proud of me. I want to do things for myself, I need to be able to. I don't want help with things unless I get to a place where I have to ask for it. There is a sense of pride in being able to do for myself, a sense of accomplishment in being able to do things on my own and tend to my home. I burned myself on the oven a couple of nights ago, I kept going and finished dinner. I'm learning...............
Today I visited more eye specialists, this time in Dallas. I'm afraid to be hopeful anymore, every time another eye disease is ruled out and I'm left with fewer options for a treatment and/or a cure. My vision is rapidly disappearing, there is not much left. Driving has ceased to be an option, as a result my world is shrinking. There is a new white cane in the corner mocking me, letting me know that soon I won't be leaving my home without it as a constant companion. I spend my time marking appliances with raised bumps on the controls so I can keep using them, learning to cook and clean with what sight is left, putting together coordinating outfits and organizing cupboards and groceries. I study photos of family and friends, not wanting to forget their faces. I watch favorite movies and tv shows on video, especially shows like Ally McBeal that are heavy on visual humor. I'm downloading classes that interest me and making lists of others that I want to take. Soon, I'll be adding Braille to that list, probably should get to it sooner than later. I'm purging cupboards and closets of decades worth of accumulation, in order to make housekeeping simple. I even plan to downsize the Christmas decor after collecting ornaments all of my life. There is much that I want to see and do while I still can. A year ago my Husband took me to Disneyland, a place that's been on the top of my wish list my entire life. It was everything I dreamed of and imagined. I mourn the sight that is gone, and appreciate the little that is left. I look for ways to keep doing the things that I enjoy doing, to do what I want with few restrictions, to adapt to a new way of life. I wonder what my grandchildren will look like as they grow up, as of now they are still toddlers. I need a friend to shop with who knows my taste in clothing, hair and makeup. One who won't point me in the direction of her taste, but will help me with the things that I know look great on me. I want to look pleasing, not just for myself, but also for my husband. I want for him to be proud of me. I want to do things for myself, I need to be able to. I don't want help with things unless I get to a place where I have to ask for it. There is a sense of pride in being able to do for myself, a sense of accomplishment in being able to do things on my own and tend to my home. I burned myself on the oven a couple of nights ago, I kept going and finished dinner. I'm learning...............
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