Feeling Better

I'm being positive. I've felt better over the past few days. Trying to pace myself and not overdo things, just moving steadily and taking a lot of breaks. I'm still not doing heavy cleaning or anything strenuous, but will work up to those things.

Nice to have the exhaustion leaving my body as the methotrexate gets out of my system. I keep drinking a lot of water and tea, doing 15mg of Folic acid daily, and moving slowly. I strolled a half mile on the treadmill yesterday, and plan to be on it daily again.

Perhaps I can get out on the etrike tomorrow. I miss being able to get out and go places.

So many little projects to keep me busy until I get all of my strength back, the list of them is long. Still, I'd rather be doing the big things.

Straightened my hobby cabinet today, sitting on floor pillows in the kitchen to do it. I had made a huge mess of sewing supplies when I hemmed a summer dress, so the cupboard really needed tending to.

I've been working on the big scrapbook, found out that my 3 hole punch won't work with 12x12 pages, so I'll improvise. I've filled a couple dozen pages and have yet to get up to emails from the time we first met face to face. At this rate the scrapbook will be a couple of feet thick by the time that it is finished. No, I'm not kidding.

Enough for now....

Thinking

It is said that all of the very best stories begin with Once Upon A Time. They also begin with wishes, hopes and dreams. Getting out of one's comfort zone, that safe little place in life where we exist, dreaming of what-if, is where the magic begins. When we finally reach for the dreams and fantasies that we have carried in our hearts and minds all of our lives, wonderful things happen. Happily ever after really and truly does exist, but only if you are willing to open your heart and mind. Bravery is not just slaying dragons, it's also being vulnerable. It is opening up and admitting honestly to yourself that the things that you really want are things that are outside of your comfort zone. Courage is stepping out of that place and taking the life that you want. It is living by your own standards. It is living a life that is true to yourself. It is not living the way your neighbors, family, friends or society does unless that is what you desire. Everything you could ever possibly want is right in front of you. 

Health, apartment, home

Another trip to see my GP.  A b12 shot and kicking up the Folic acid up to 15 mg daily. If there is no improvement in a week then more heart tests will be done. (God, I am so freaking sick of tests and doctors!)

Last week the left eye deteriorated more to the point where even light colors create a bright haze.

Still not going anywhere except for trips to the doctor's office. I'm hoping to feel well enough to make a trip to Michael's Craft Store in the next few days. I need more scrapbooking supplies and a change of scenery, even if just for a few minutes.

I awoke to thunderstorms this morning. Lovely stuff, several hours of rain to take care of my gardens and to keep today in the decent temperature range. I turned on the furnace to take off the chill. Sure didn't think I'd be doing it during July in Oklahoma.

Ordered a couple of books of Jack Vettriano prints on amazon this morning. That will help me to choose the ones that I'd like to use when we begin redecorating the guest apartment. I don't want a generic place for guests, any hotel can give that. It should be a place where every luxury is available, where special memories are created. To be honest, it will be a place to knock the socks off of anyone who stays there. I want people to look forward to the opportunity to stay there. Over the top? Why not?

Before Pammy moved in the apartment was decorated with Monet prints and scenes of Venice and the Mediterranean Sea. It looked incredible, but I'm ready for a change of pace. Getting away from safe decorating and going just a bit more edgy will be fun.

I truly love the way that our home looks. Every part has been remodeled since we moved in together. All lighting and fixtures have been replaced, every surface painted, and the carpet was replaced just over a year ago. We kept the antiques, the nicest furniture, and purchased new pieces to reflect our tastes. The house is a mix of his, mine and our things. I've gotten rid of most of the excess items and upgraded quite a few for comfort and luxury.

Every last bit has to be finished while I still have a bit of sight. I want to know that my home is filled with beauty. There is a folder containing items that I want to buy to replace items as they wear out over the years. That way, anyone helping me shop in the future will be able to see exactly what I want.

In my mind I can see the decorating that we have done as well as the things that I'd perhaps someday  like to do. Knowing that my home is beautiful is important to me. It's not a want, it's a need.

Enough for now.....

Life lessons

Some things I have learned in life.....

If you have an opportunity to do something special or unusual, do it.

Being unhappy breeds unhappiness.

Smiles are free.

Kindness is always the best response.

Use the good china, crystal, silver, linens, etc. Make your loved ones feel just as special as you do your guests.

Time spent with children will make you younger.

Time spent with loved ones making memories is never, ever wasted.

Blowing bubbles is just plain fun.

Your comfort zone is a boring place to spend all of your time.

Never end time with loved ones without saying "I love you". It may be your last opportunity to say it to them.

If your bikini bottoms are not really snug, cross your ankles when going off of the high dive.

Money spent on the best bed, linens and pillows is always money well spent.

When someone is hurting, the best thing you can do is listen.

Laughter really is the best medicine unless you have stitches in your abdomen.

Snuggling makes you both happy.

Husbands love being met at the door with hugs and kisses.... So do other family members

Swing sets are fun.

Good manners are always appropriate.

The only time to leave your home in pajamas is in an ambulance. For everything else get dressed.

Being able to soak in the tub should be celebrated. Music, a cup of tea, candles, a great book and a warm fluffy towel are a great start.

Sleeping in is pure heaven. The only time to get up before the chickens is to catch a plane.

If a man asks where you got your perfume so that he can buy some for his mother, you are wearing the wrong perfume.

The shriek of a toddler is the perfect sound for a burglar alarm.

Never, ever try to change a man. You fell in love with him just as he is. Appreciate him for himself. 

If you want to change someone, make sure it's yourself. 

Learning, no matter what kind, is always good.

Nice things rarely cost more than cheap ones in terms of use. Buy the item once instead instead of a cheap substitute several times. Think of can openers if you need an example.

Taking care of yourself should be first.

Pets are part of the family once you bring them home. If a dog is going to be outside on a chain you belong out there too.

Paint is the easiest way to make the place you live into a home. Add music, plants, love, laughter and friendship to complete your environment into a place you love to be.

Friends need to have a place in your life. Not just for them, but also for yourself.

Family isn't always blood relations. Some of the closest families are related by love alone.

When you lie you have to remember it. Why not just be honest?

Lies are not alright except in the most special circumstances. Examples include telling a person that their loved one did not suffer, that their last words were of love and caring, etc. Sometimes those are the very greatest of kindnesses that there are.

Maintaining a clean environment is mandatory for good health, mental as well as physical.

No one should ever live in filth.

If you do not love your children enough to keep them safe and healthy then give them up for adoption. That might be the greatest act of love of all. Give them the opportunity to grow up.

Home should be a wonderful place to be and the place you look most forward to being at.

Be a great example instead of a bad one.

Pass on family stories before they are lost. Label the family pictures and give them out as soon as the family members are old enough to have them. Keep copies in a safe place so that they are not lost in natural disasters.

There is magic everywhere if you just stop and look around.

Everyday should be special and enjoyed.

Life is too short. Live, laugh and love every day.

Tears are the way that the soul heals.

Enough for now.....

The Best Man Ever

Darling Husband and I met on Match a few years ago. We lived over a hundred miles apart. He was in a city, I was in the country, miles from the nearest town. We could not, and would not, have met without that site.

Both working long hours and being on call 24/7 was something we both had in common as well as our line of work. We were in management, no strangers to long hours, paperwork, dealing with employees as well as the public.

We emailed before meeting. Being wintertime we dealt with ice storms and other chaotic weather. The week leading up to our meeting I had ended up sleeping in my office at work due to an ice storm which kept cars from handling the winding, steep hill roads that I lived on.

We spent a lot of time online together. He had wifi at home, my link to the outside world was my laptop tethered to my cellphone. During the worst of the weather we emailed all evening to each other.

Our early relationship consisted of hundreds of emails which I saved in a file on my computer.

For his birthday this November, I am making a scrapbook. It will be filled with all of our emails and photos, starting with our very first ones and going up until we moved in together and got married.

I think that it will be something special that he will really enjoy. 

He is a true romantic. From the very beginning he would bring me flowers. He still does every other week. Within hours of each date, he would get in touch to tell me how much he enjoyed our time together and to make plans for our next date.

He loves me in ways that I have never been loved or cared for before. I am treasured, loved and adored. He tells and shows me each and every day. Phone calls, texts, treats, trips, dinners out, presents, hugs and kisses are all part of the ways I am shown of his love. Sometimes he sings to me.

I was healthy when we met. My illness occurred after we were married. His love for me has grown and strengthened through this time. He is so extraordinary, steadfast in his love. I am so blessed and privileged to have this amazing man in my life. He owns my heart and soul, as I do his.

Awake and thinking out loud

Trying to sleep and not having much luck. Perhaps sleeping almost 13 hours last night has something to do with it. Whatever the reason is, I'm up for awhile, so I might as well enjoy it.

We've had a lot of rain over the past couple of days. It's keeping the temperatures in the really pleasant range. I turned off the AC and let the house air out for awhile. Not enough energy to go outside and enjoy it today so I just pretended that I was outdoors and kept the doors open.

I'm listening to a lot of CDs lately. Today I played all of the Josh Grobans. Tomorrow I will pick another artist to listen to. Music does make my house feel more like home, as well as blocking out traffic noise.  I have a lot of albums (vinyl) in addition to CDs, so there is a good variety to choose from.

I've not accomplished much at all this week. Minor cleaning, more wardrobe organizing, and other small projects that challenge me are just what I need.

Good news, today I did not use up all of my energy reserves. Thats the first time in quite awhile that I got through a whole day. Hoping this means that I'm on the mend. Anyway, I'm crossing my fingers that health will continue to improve. I told Darling Husband that my weight loss was all from hair loss.... Okay, I have a weird sense of humor.

Everything is still cancelled for the time being. Nothing I have to do and no places I have to go to until I'm better. It's really not a bad thing, I'm catching up on a lot of little things and working on plans for other projects so that I can take them up immediately when I feel healthier. Even online classes are stopped for the time being. 

I'm weeding out more clothes. So many are too big (yippee), and others I'm looking at and scratching my head, wondering why they are in my closet. It's not so much a case of simplifying anymore. Now it's making certain that every garment looks incredible on me. Why keep anything that doesn't make me look my absolute best?

I prefer to wear very feminine clothing. Dresses, heels, stockings and hats are mainstays with me. Looking like a lady is my main comfort zone, whether it's tailored or romantic. I adore vintage clothing and purses. Nails, hair and makeup are a given, as is perfume. There's something about being all put together that I love, it makes me feel the way that I like to feel. Even when I'm ill, I still need to do it. Just the rituals performed with dressing up is a boost to the ego, knowing that I look great makes me feel better.

It appears that Darling Husband's Ex may have found a new home. Once she moves out of our guest apartment it will have to be redone. Yes, it is a must, she painted it all pink when she moved in a couple of months ago. Not my style at all, but her furniture looks good with the pink walls.

I'm trying to decide on how to redo it. The place will pretty much be a blank slate. I gave almost all of the furnishings to my youngest when he got his latest apartment. Now I need everything from drapes to linens as well as everything for the kitchen.  I'm thinking of Jack Vettriano prints for the artwork, and then choose the color palette and furnishings from there.  Should be fun once I'm up to it. 

A guest apartment is an incredible thing to have. We love the reactions of friends and relatives when they first walk in to it. It's stocked with luxuries as well as all of the basic comforts, has a full (if small) kitchen. 400 square feet of pure heaven. I keep a library of books, current magazines and DVDs stocked. We have wifi and cable installed. There is a private patio and garden to enjoy as well as the use of the hot tub on the main patio. I put together a guest basket for each visitor based on their likes and dislikes, stock the fridge with goodies and make certain that the kitchen is stocked with all of the basics. That way guests have the option of cooking or joining us for meals. The main house and apartment share one of the patios which includes a grill. It is a real treasure.

Enough for now.......

Awake awhile

Still wearing out easily and profoundly unhappy about it. The diagnosis is that my left ventricle is somewhat stiff. I'm feeling a bit better each day and wish my body would agree. Healthy mind, unhealthy body.....

Yesterday I woke up at 10:30 a.m. And went to bed at 5:30 p.m. Ridiculous! Now, it's the middle of the night and I'm once again awake. So, I have a screwy circadian rhythm. Why am I somehow not surprised?

The house stays clean, must be magic, it's sure not my doing. No really, laundry, feeding pets and taking care of the dishwasher are about my limit. I take windex and paper towels to the sinks and faucets. Swish the toilets daily, dust occasionally. I cannot see the dirt, so doing those things is a must. The cat and dog go outside to tend to their business. My lovely hand painted enamel pan with essential oils heated in it makes the house smell nice. 

I need to get better if only to take care of our home. I feel guilty that I'm not doing more. At least it looks great. (Or so I'm told)

Keeping busy with things I can do as I rest while not going bonkers is a challenge. 

More wardrobe organizing going on. Trying to simplify the whole code process to something that is easy to use and remember. I have a number of things to work with. Foam letters and numbers, lovely beads and findings, gorgeous hang tags and ribbons all should work together to make a usable system for me. The living room ottoman is covered with those things as well as pages of notes that I keep making changes to as I work out things.

The scarves are now mostly hanging with the items that they will be worn with. Hats are on an antique hall tree, except for the ones which still need to be decorated. Shoes are neatly organized. Stockings and garter belts will be in pretty bags, sorted by color. No panty hose for me, I love the way that stockings and garter belts feel, feminine and sexy as all get out. Socks go with the 3 pairs of footwear that they are worn with. It's progress. 

Hang tags will be attached to each hangar showing the shoes, purses, stockings and hats which go with that particular garment. 

I'm thinking of attaching pretty drawstring bags to garments to hold items which only go with that particular item. I know that not everything can be done that way, but it should keep me from digging through drawers trying to locate things while I'm getting dressed. Certain lingerie items like slips and strapless bras come to mind for the most part. 

I want a system for mix and match items. Dressy, jeans, summer, etc., as well as items I can pack for trips. Vacation groups like city, country, resorts should be easy to figure out as well. Sorting and marking those categories will take some thought.

Once again, I need to go through more clothing, weeding out items that are too large. I'm losing a lot of weight. My wardrobe is about a third less than it was 6 weeks ago. 

Trying not to lose too much too fast, but it's a real battle. I force myself to eat daily. BLT's and apples are about the only things that appeal at the moment. That is the only thing that methotrexate did for me that is good. It got me over the weight loss plateau that I had been stuck on. I'm nearing my final goal for my ideal weight, but it has to be a healthy loss. Still no appetite, no real urge to eat, nothing tastes really good. Even great chocolate does not tempt me.

Enough for now.....

No more

I don't see many people anymore. Mainly, my Darling Husband, medical personnel, rehab folks and my wonderful shrink.

Being ill is isolating. My world gets smaller as time passes. Thank goodness for Facebook and the Internet. It gives me access to the world that I'm unable to experience otherwise. I get to stay in touch with family and friends. 

Hopefully once the methotrexate is out of my system I will regain energy. Actually, I must regain my energy.

I refuse any more medical treatments which screws with me the way that they have done over the past couple of years. Sorry, sometimes the patient does know best. I know what happens when I take medication, my body is overly sensitive and reacts badly to most of them.

My body, my health, my decisions. Period 

No more roller coaster of side effects. I refuse to live on that carnival ride anymore. Side effects have done more to keep me down and ill than the the actual diseases have. 

Going blind is easier to handle when I'm feeling good. I have a life when I am feeling well.

The life I'm living now is no life at all. 

No news is good news, I hope

Since the cardiologist did not phone me on Friday with test results, I will assume that it's all good news. Yes, I know that "assume" makes an "ass" of "u" and "me". First heard that one on Johnny Carson long ago.

Seriously, if it was bad, I would think that....

A. The Ultrasound Technician would have kept 

    me there while she and the Doctor looked at 

    the results.

B.  The Cardiologist would have had me on the 

     phone or had his office get me back in there.

C.   I'd feel even crappier than I do now.

Cannot stay asleep tonight. Dozed several times, but keep awakening. I thought of taking a sleeping pill, however, Ambien is only effective about one in three times for me. So why bother? I did take a dose of children's Benadryl. Not much help there either.  Perhaps a pot of spearmint and chamomile tea...

Before sunset I sat in the shade of the backyard, painting an old bench. The paint and brush had sat there next to it for about three weeks, waiting for me to feel better. I need to give it another coat in a day or two.

I have to do things. Even if they are simple little things and don't mean a lot. Hey, it's my little world. On Thursday I glued a piece of trim on an armoire. Earlier in the week I fixed a seam in a favorite top and re-hemmed a lovely sundress. Ironing is on the list, and my little board and supplies are on the kitchen table. Planting the five Persian Shields sitting on the covered hot tub is high on the priority list also.

My first books on origami and paper cutting arrived. If I'm forced to rest then at least my hands will have something to do.

It would be so easy to get stuck with mindless television for entertainment all day. There are a few things that I do listen to. "Love it or List it" is fun. "Duck Dynasty" makes me giggle out loud. "Survivor" is one that is fun and entertaining. What I'm really enjoying are a few science channel shows. "How the Universe Works" and "Through the Wormhole" are great to listen to. Heck, I could listen to Morgan Freeman read the phone book. His voice has a certain quality to it that makes everything sound more interesting.

The weekend promises to be quiet. We've made no plans due to my illness. I just keep remembering one job where  I had the first weekend off and then worked every weekend and holiday for the next three years. Even with little to do, I will definitely appreciate weekends at home.

How can I be so completely exhausted and not sleep well? One of those great mysteries...

This week

Cancelled everything and/or rescheduled for future dates. No anything except for "absolute have to" trips to doctors. Getting through is the only thing on my agenda at this time.

Still feeling exhausted from a bath and changing the sheets. The blow dryer is too much to pick up and hold. I'm so not used to being this tired.

Saw my shrink today. I began seeing her last fall to help me deal with all of the changes that come with going blind. I need her perspective to get me through it. It's overwhelming to try to adjust on my own. Her listening to me and giving me her insights make a huge difference.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with a cardiologist.

Next day....

Met with the cardiologist this morning. He's extremely knowledgeable, friendly and easy to talk to. News is that he has me scheduled for an ultrasound of my heart on Friday morning. It's noninvasive and takes about an hour. I will get to see my heart beating. Cool.

Friday...

Awaiting results from the cardiac ultrasound done this morning. A sweet young lady took it, and all I had to do was lay down and relax. It was under an hour and the easiest test I've ever had done.

Enough for now

Will it ever end?

Parked on the sofa sleeping the majority of the day. The extreme fatigue continues with any movement using up the small reserves that I have. Laundry and keeping up with the dishwasher are just about my limit now.

Saw my GP today, and he had an EKG and chest X-rays done. He's also getting me in to see a cardiologist ASAP. I'm scared, and I'm pissed off.  When he and my husband are worried, I know that there are things that I'm not being told.

Before the methotrexate, I had gotten to the point where I was feeling healthier and had more energy. Now, I'm on the sofa. It bothers me greatly that the things I want and need to do aren't getting done. 

This drug has screwed me up royally. It's my fault. I took it against my better judgement.

I'm canceling everything for the time being. No white cane training, no occupational therapy, no trips to any doctors but my GP, shrink, and eye specialist. No shopping, no housecleaning, no going visiting. Darling Husband took me out to lunch today where I managed to eat a third of a club sandwich and a few fries. This evening, he grocery shopped and brought me an ice cream cone. Really sweet of him. He truly is a wonderful man, and I'm so very blessed to have him in my life.

Enough for now.