Things I Want To Learn

Things I Want To study

....in no particular order.....

Finding My Muse

Tropical Gardening

Italian

Dari

Knitting

Plato

Greek Mythology

Sewing

Quantum Physics

Hand Tinting Portraits

Embellishing Clothing

Cajun Cooking

Pastry Making

Doll Making

Weaving

String Theory

Astronomy

Spencerian Writing

Calligraphy

Painting

Braille

American Sign Language

Wine Making

Making Liqueurs

Candy Making

Making Ribbon Art

Ballroom Dancing

Creative Writing

Philosophy

Egyptian Culture

Faux Painting

Perfumery

Camel Riding

Pen and Ink Drawing

Byzantine History

Genealogies 

Medicinal Herbs

Embroidery

Opera

Roman Architecture

Great Week!

The last week has flown by. It seems like a huge whirlwind of activity punctuated by several naps and I feel great!

My neighbor and I went shopping for new lingerie the other day. We spent hours cruising JC Penneys, J Jill, and Chicos followed by a trip to Starbucks which is how we tend to wrap up our outings. I got a dozen pairs of new lace panties, a couple of really nice bras, new sunglasses (hey, blind chicks need new eye bling from time to time), and a hat. Not a bad haul.

Went out to eat with my youngest last Friday. We spent a lot of time just laughing and talking. He's a great guy, and I'm glad he's settled nearby. We don't see each other more often than once every few weeks. I'm getting used to that, and it's okay.

The Friends of the Library Sale was last weekend. I spent a couple of happy hours wandering with my magnifying glass and found a few gems to bring home.

Saturday night was the Philharmonic showcasing the music of Cole Porter. We got to dress up and have a lovely night out. The music was beautiful and the singers truly talented. Many thanks to our friend who passed the tickets on to us, and please get well soon.

Darling Husband brought home a bouquet of StarGazer Lillies and Roses yesterday. He spoils me so, and I enjoy every moment of it. The entire house smells of them. I'm still surprised and delighted when he brings them to me, it's such a treat.

Tackling Mom's paperwork continues. I need to have copies made of the photos for relatives, and return letters to family members who regularly wrote to her. I found a card Mom had written to my sister and had not had a chance to send. That will definitely be mailed out to her.

The snowstorm circled us, and we received no bad weather here. That was a relief. The news shows power outages, closed roads, and roof collapses. I'm very thankful that we remained safe and warm.

More Braille lessons have arrived, and I look forward to finishing the ones I'm studying and moving onto the next ones. My first real Braille book is also here waiting for me to read it once I get further along with grade 2 Braille. It's proving much easier to learn than I had thought it would be.

Getting back to normal feels great. I'm sleeping better and have more energy. I'm still only dizzy when I turn left or when things move quickly in front of me. The vertigo is still gone, and the ringing in my ears comes and goes instead of being a 24 hour screaming mosquito. If only the eyes would get better..... I can live with the other improvements and rejoice with each one. 

I think I found what I want to put on Mom's headstone. It's the last note she had written, and reads "Come and get me, I'm downstairs playing bingo". She would love it, her sense of humor was as twisted as mine. I plan to frame that note and put in in my hobby room.

Enough for today.

Coming to terms

Wondering if the cleaning and unpacking will ever finish.... The twentieth load of laundry is in the machine, the litter box is appalling, the hobby room is piled high with empty luggage and craft items and there are two boxes of Mom's paperwork to deal with. Fortunately, the piles are now much smaller than before.

Tomorrow morning I'll baby sit for Darling Husband's Ex-Wife's Granddaughter. After spending a couple of weeks staying in retirement apartments, playing with a toddler will be fun. Goodness knows I've plenty of toys, books and animal crackers.

Today I put an alarm clock on the kitchen counter between a Waterford crystal vase that holds mixing utensils and a marble rolling pin. It's neon and says "eat at Joe's".  Sounds odder than it looks. I try to keep the kitchen from being too serious, it should be a fun place to play.

A lighted magnifier arrived today. It will be a lot easier to use than the giant floor stand one that stays in the hobby room. Just in time to finish Mom's crochet project once I figure out what stitch she was using. Thankfully, I have a book showing over a hundred crochet stitches to help.

Our new memory foam bed arrived a few days before I went to Ohio. I sleep more comfortably on it than on any other bed I've slept in. We've decided to try the memory foam pillows also to see how we like them.

Took a couple of days off over the weekend and just did the basics, mainly grocery shopping and meal preparation. A couple of power naps seem to have me back on track with a more normal sleeping schedule.

I'm working on Braille lessons and am amazed at how different my sense of touch varies among my fingers. Feeling the raised dots is easy for all of them, but it is not the same with any of them. My first real Braille book (other than lessons) should arrive soon and I'm looking forward to reading it.

Learning to accept blindness and coming to terms with it is something I've struggled with since I started losing my vision. Staying in Ohio with minimal phone and Internet gave me a lot of time to think. Learning what I need (and don't need) in order to function without sight was interesting. After giving away most of Mom's possessions there was very little in the apartment. I concentrated on using the things that were there and becoming familiar with functioning with was available.

I learned that a stove with controls on the front is much easier and safer than the one that I have. Switching from electric to gas would make cooking and baking a better experience also. Sidewalks would give me all sorts of freedom that are not available here in Oklahoma City. Great trash bags are a must as are really long oven mitts. After years on king and queen sized beds I will fall out of a twin sized one. Rockers are relaxing, especially with a cushion on the seat. Living in cold climates is not optional. Reading cannot be done without, whether sighted or with Braille, I gotta do it. Constant learning is another thing I cannot do without, it's part of me and always has been. I learned that I can't be lazy for long. I can change the way I do things so I can keep enjoying the things that I love to do. 

I am not an unhappy person, it doesn't feel like me. Being happy and finding the good things is my character. Although I get frustrated and rant about this disease from time to time, I still get over it quickly.

Giving up isn't an option in life. I refuse to spend my life as a shut in, housebound, as a disabled person. There is still an amazing world to experience and I want to be part of it. I will find ways, perhaps unconventional, to do what I want to do.

Settling In

Grocery shopping with a neighbor, beginning the 15 loads of laundry, cleaning the bathroom floor and starting to unpack have worn me out. There is much more to do and I expect it to take me several days to get back to normal.

Demeter has rarely left my side other than to bring me more of her stuffed babies. I won't leave her again. This has been a nightmare for her. Hearing of her spending the two weeks hiding in corners and not eating tore at my heart. She is my loyal companion, and has been for over 5 years now. Even with an emergency she will travel with me from now on.

Arthur, my youngest, came over to visit for awhile. I felt awful to have missed his birthday while I was in Ohio. His 21st was spent at AIT, 22nd in Afghanistan. This was his 23rd. Still, it was so great to see him, to feed him hugely with roast beef and other things, and to just catch up on everything. We will make up his birthday celebration very soon.

Downloading books to read with my kindle app. Being "out of pocket" as friends call it has shown me that having things to do and read will make life easier. There are so many ebooks available, and I have a difficult time choosing. So far getting books written by my favorite authors that I've not yet read is a great start. Just wish the voice that reads to me sounded a bit human. Well, I can't have everything.

Finally down to one load of laundry. The machines have run constantly since yesterday. I need to clean the bathroom and scoop the litter box to finish the house. Another trip to the grocery store will have us restocked. I still have much unpacking to do, mostly piled in the doorway to the hobby room. There are two doctors appointments to reschedule. Hooking up Mom's computer and transferring data from my old ones is yet another chore to do.

There's so much to do in order to get back to the wardrobe organizing. Once again I'm trying to get everything done at once. I want to get out and ride, to see what I still can, while I can.  

On our way home from Ohio my Darling Husband slowed down and got into the far right lane as we crossed the Mississippi River. It's one thing I have never tired of seeing, and I knew that I was probably seeing it for the last time. I filled my eyes with what I remember it looking like, since it was now just a gray blur.

My left eye began shimmering on our way to Ohio. I don't know how else to explain it other than to say that it's like looking at a mirage. So frustrating and going downhill more and more. My safe guess is that the medication, my only chance at slowing this disease, did not work.

Enough for tonight.

Home again

I'm home! After a 14 hour drive, unloading the car, a long shower and over 12 hours of sleep on our new bed I feel human again.

Demeter was so happy to see me. I ended up on the kitchen floor for the longest time as she jumped all over me, licking and whining, showing her joy at having her Mama home. She has been my shadow ever since I entered the house, bringing me her stuffed babies and glued to my side. How I missed my little gal, and it has felt so wonderful to cuddle and snuggle with her, smelling the Chanel No. 5 that we both wear.

Seeing my Darling Husband was the best feeling on earth, being wrapped in his arms and knowing without a doubt that he was the one person on earth that I wanted and needed to be with the most. I could feel his love and strength and knew that we would soon be home. He is the man I had spent my life looking for and dreaming of. In 3 years together our world became a place of magic and happily ever afters. Even with the rough patches of losing parents, having a child in a war zone, and health issues we still have the special love that means that we can get through anything.

So far today I have unpacked a few things, cleaned the kitchen, gathered laundry and cooked a meal. Shortly I will make a grocery list for tomorrow afternoon and then take another long shower. I do not miss the 10 gallon hot water tank adjusted to the lowest setting at Mom's apartment. Heck, it takes more than that amount of hot water just to shave my legs.

It feels so good to be here, having familiar things around me, just being in the place where I belong. This is home, my universe, my true comfort zone. It is the place I long to be when I travel, even if just for a few hours.

Using the familiar pots and pans, the utensils, finding things in the cupboards where I can locate them easily makes cooking a pleasure.

Never again do I want to be gone from home and family for so long again. 

Packing to return

Packing to return to Oklahoma today. I'm so ready to leave, to be back in my home, safe in the arms of my Darling Husband. I miss being in the place where I belong.

Waiting for a few things to be picked up by neighbors. The dining table and chairs, a bed, end table and a brand new flat screen TV are all that is left. A couple of bags of trash are ready to go out, a cooler needs to be packed.

I have a few books and a magazine to take to the community room library. After donating over 200 books, most of which I had purchased for Mom, the apartment feels huge. I also donated her computer software and most of my DVD's.

Everything else went quickly. I mentioned to one of the neighbors that I did not want to take everything home with me. Within moments the apartment was full of people, and several more days were spent that way.

Spending time with the residents of these apartments was a lot of fun. They told me many stories about Mom, and I learned things about her that I did not know, parts of her life that involved friends instead of family.

Apparently Mom did some serious bragging about my giving her a home makeover after I left last year. This week I ended up at one lady's apartment redoing her place. She and I had a terrific time together changing almost everything in there. She turned me loose in there to redo furniture and decor, even organizing her cupboards. The only thing not done was her bedroom and closet. Before I finished she had all of her friends coming over to see it.

I had company here every day and evening. It was so nice to not be alone most of the time.  With the weather too rough for me to be out, I enjoyed staying in and just visiting.

I saw Mom's Christmas stocking in a lady's apartment when I was visiting over there. Mom had refilled it with stationary and other items, all beautifully wrapped, and put it in her neighbor's doorway on Christmas Eve. She knew that her neighbor hadn't had presents or a stocking in years. That was Mom, and I'm so proud of and delighted with her.

Now I'm sitting in the living room surrounded by  luggage, bags, art, a rocking chair and a huge basket. 8 oil paintings will be going to Oklahoma with me after only being able to part with 3. No one wanted the clown painting, and I threw it out. It frightened my children as well as my sister's. It reminded me of a Stephen King monster, but Mom loved it. Disposing of it will keep other children from having nightmares.

Years ago I made a promise to Mom. When she died I promised to have her cremated, bury her ashes next to my Daughter, and to burn her personal papers unread. This, and clearing her apartment fulfill those promises to her.

Staying in her apartment I tried to put myself in her place, trying to see her last years through her eyes. She spent most of her time in the bedroom with her TV, computer and books. It was rare that the living room was used although she always wanted that part of her homes to be beautiful. I spent 3 days just in her bedroom, sitting on her bed with the TV on, watching some of the shows that she had listed on a piece of paper and then taped next to her bed. One family member that she was unhappy with had his/her photos removed and placed in a drawer. 

I know she was ill and unhappy, but I could not get her to move to Oklahoma with me. She wanted to be near her Mother when she was terminally sick. Never mind that Grandma has Alzheimer's (dementia, I was strongly told by my Aunt). Either way, she was a comfort by her nearness.

It's unfair that Grandma has been reminded over and over that Mom is dead. Every time she goes through the shock and horror of her Daughter's death, the pain and sorrow and loss. When she forgets someone will remind her again. It's cruel, she's 90 years old and doesn't need that pain over and over. Why not just say that Mom is in Oklahoma with me? It's true and much less painful.

As nice as people are and as lovely as this town is, I'm ready to go home. I just received a text from Darling Husband that they are leaving OKC. In 13 hours they will be here, load the car and take me home.