Too much

I'm up in west central Ohio. As long as I remain indoors I'm staying warm and cozy. Staying in my Mom's apartment while clearing it will give me closure. 

The local hotel gave us the bereavement rate on Friday night.  Kind of them, but also more than twice the price of the much, much nicer hotel 10 miles away that I stayed in last year.

On Saturday I began going through her things, separating items for charity, some items for my sister who remains in Nevada with her young children, and some for the trash. 

It's hard to look at her home and not find her physically here. Her personality, however, is everywhere. Beautiful oil paintings that she collected over the decades hang in every room. I'm not finding the ones that she painted, perhaps they are at my sister's home. I will only bring a couple back to Oklahoma with me.

There are two beautiful dolls that were in her closet, boxes never opened. I wonder who she bought them for.

A year and a half ago I travelled here and stayed several days. While visiting with Mom I gave her a complete home makeover. New furniture, draperies, decor, everything for the kitchen was replaced. Our time spent together is something I treasure, talking face to face, lots of hugs and kisses. We had a terrific time together. We went to a bookstore and got everything she wanted. Along with her collection and the dozens I've sent her since then, it was good to have bought her more bookcases while I was here.

This afternoon I went through her craft items. She put the yarn to good use, beautiful items that she had crocheted and knitted were wrapped and ready to mail, others finished, a couple in progress. Those I'll bring home and complete. The finished pieces I will send to my sister. Her new sewing machine is unused. She had it along with fabrics, patterns and sewing notions, waiting for nice weather. Her plan was to crochet and knit in front of movies in the winter and to sew in the summers. Her living room window looked out on a beautiful private garden and she said it would be the perfect place to sew.

It hurts to see the things that she didn't get to finish. She was reading "the lipstick jungle" by the author of "sex in the city". The crocheting project that was in progress, the clean clothes neatly folded but not yet in the drawers. Even the box of turtles that she adored and had only eaten one of. At least she enjoyed the Godiva chocolates that were part of her Christmas present.

Still looking for her Christmas stocking. Every year I filled one for her, and at sometime during the year she would mail the empty one to me so I could refill it. When we were children she never had presents until we were old enough to make and/or purchase them for her. Now I have fun making her stockings every year and sending them to her.

A lot of items are missing. The one piece of jewelry I found is a new brooch I gave her for Christmas. The jewelry box is gone as well. She died of cancer, but the only medications in the apartment are multivitamins. I know for a fact that Just one of her medicines cost $6400 a month. Her billfold and checkbook are gone as well, the check register was still here. The only DVDs are the ones I sent her. When I was here last year she had a couple dozen.

I know she had a lot of people here daily. Home health care, physical therapist, wound specialist, private nurse, meals on wheels, family and others. She was rarely alone during the day. I wonder who might have decided to supplement their wages with those items, and I hope to see karma in action when it comes back and bites whoever stole from an elderly woman with cancer who was nice to everyone.

None of those things are things I want or need. However, Mom had told me that she wanted her jewelry to go to my sister's daughter. I hope there is some stored in my sister's attic. The person(s) who stole from my Mom also stole from her grandchild. Shameful.

I have to figure out how to work the wifi hotspot that I activated before coming up here.

Ah. Small town Ohio living. Lovely homes, an amazing historic downtown, great place to raise a family, low crime rate, picture perfect environment and terrific schools make for an ideal place to live. I love the sidewalks everywhere. There are very few in Oklahoma City. The friendly people and the charm of this town makes me want to pack up and move here for the rest of my life. I could be happy here.

This apartment is in the old high school that Neil Armstrong (the first man on the moon) attended. It is pretty, decent sized and the only window looks out onto a beautiful garden. The price is extremely low with utilities included. The neighbors are friendly and caring, they watch out for each other and help each other. 

The landscaping and gardens are incredible. I saw tulips coming up this morning. A huge community room and many activities are real bonuses and make living here very pleasant.

There are drawbacks, unfortunately real deal breakers. One 4 foot closet is the only storage available, water pressure in the kitchen is a mere trickle (18 minutes to fill the kitchen sink halfway, I timed it), the only window is a single pane where the cold air coming in sets off the windchimes constantly.  The apartment above this one contains a stomper, causing Glasses and dishes to rattle constantly in the kitchen cupboards. Did I mention no dishwasher or garbage disposal? The carpet is the cheapest industrial grade available with no pad underneath covering uneven wooden floors. The cold comes up through the uninsulated floors. Shoes and heavy socks are necessary to keep my feet warm.

Paper thin walls ensure every word spoken in the halls which wrap around 3 sides of this apartment, every footstep can be heard. I hear the next door neighbor's TV and every word she says on the phone----there is No getting away from every detail of her health, job details, relationships, etc. Earphones and/or earplugs are necessary to keep my sanity intact. Hopefully, I packed a white noise machine. Watching every word spoken that I say on the phone is rapidly becoming a habit. 

The wifi hotspot is useless, one bar on the iPhone when I stand next to the window, 10 or more minutes to load Facebook, email and other portions of the Internet impossible. 10 miles from the city of Lima and technology is dial up at best, truly disappointing. It's a real trade off, technology and privacy versus the beauty of living here. I could not do it.

Transportation is a Black and White taxi called from Lima, Ohio. They charge $30 to drive here to Wapakoneta to pick you up, and then charge for wherever you want to go on top of that. A roundtrip to the grocery store is $60 plus. Impossible for anyone on fixed incomes. A trip to the doctor (local) weekly will be more than $250. a month. Talk about getting reamed, crude and true. That's without tipping the driver.

Perhaps I'm spoiled, but even in rural Oklahoma, 50 miles from the nearest city, I had easy Internet access.

Choosing between small towns and basic technology should not have to happen. This is the 21st century for Pete's sake! 

There are so many wonderful things here, and I adore coming up to visit. My next and last trip up here will be when my grandmother passes away. I will miss this town, it has the best of small town living, the nostalgia that gives you that feeling of coming home. 

Yesterday was my Mom's 71st birthday. In the morning I walked over a mile to the mortuary to pick up her ashes and bring them back to her home. Her birthday gift I had ordered should have arrived at my Oklahoma City home by now. She no longer needs gifts or presents. My last gift to her will be burial and a headstone in Hominy, Oklahoma next to my daughter.

I want to go home. I have no desire to go through her things, deciding what to bring home and what to dispose of. My heart hurts and I need my Darling Husband to hold me.

Tribute to my Mother

Sharon.....

She was my Mom for 51 years, 51 of her 70 years. She was my Mom and my friend, my confidant, someone who knew me better than I knew myself.

She was also different people to those who knew her. A mother, daughter, sister, grandmother, aunt, cousin, friend, wife, ex-wife, employee and neighbor. No matter which role she was in, she was good. she loved her family and friends, and she was loved. she cared, and was cared about. she travelled and had things she liked and things that were important to her. 

Anyone who had a bookstore near her homes over the years knew her as a great customer. She loved to read, and did it daily. The newspaper rarely was in the house for more than a few moments before being devoured. One day years ago she called to tell me that She had read "her" name in the obituary section of the Houston Chronicle. She told me if her name had been really common like Smith or Jones she could probably read an obituary with her name on it weekly somewhere in the world. She had a sense of humor.

She led a full life. she had a real flair for doing things. Over the course of her life She painted beautifully, loved to decorate her home, took great photographs, wrote letters more than most people do, stayed in close touch with friends and family, modeled, played the piano, followed Rush Limbaugh and other talk radio hosts with great interest, crocheted, made great Halloween costumes, could swim without messing up her hair, loved the ocean and the beaches. Watched the waves roll in to relax, made a great strawberry banana salad that got raves everywhere it was served, loved autumn more than any other season, wrapped every present so that was postcard worthy, could argue with great passion over things she believed in, donated to the United Negro College Fund because she believed that everyone deserved opportunity, loved PBS even though she disliked the quarterly "begging for dollars" that interrupted their best specials, but she sent them money too. She loved to garden, raising plants showed me that the green thumb gene apparently is hers and skipped me. Old movies were special to her, but "somewhere in time" was her favorite, she adored fried green tomatoes, the book by fanny flag, the movie, and the ones she made in the iron skillet that turned out perfect every time. She loved antiquing, getting true treasures to appear from the rough and unpolished. finding the unusual to decorate with. She would only buy the ugliest Christmas tree because she felt sorry for it and just knew that no one would love it.

Growing up I learned to be a good cook and housekeeper because of her influence on me, something that I truly appreciate and use to this day. I'm also an avid reader partly due to her and her bookcases that were always full. 

Mom did not want a funeral, she thought they were morbid and said there was nothing worse than folks wailing over a corpse. She wanted a wake. Lots of laughter and stories told, songs that she loved, the people there remembering the good things about her. It's her party, she's the guest of honor, she would love seeing everyone.

I wish that she could have been happier, could have enjoyed her life more. She rarely did after her daddy died, and then after Dustyn Nicole died she really wasn't happy often at all. She never got over those losses. They just took too much out of her.

Her last couple of decades were pain filled, her health was poor and that limited her in many ways. There weren't many times when she felt well at all. The last few years were the hardest, dealing with cancer as well as copd. 

I wanted so much for her, to have a wonderful life, to have all of her hopes and dreams come true. To have the fun retirement that is the reward following a life of hard work, to do the things that she wanted to do,to travel, to just have fun. 

She could have led a different life, made other choices and had other outcomes. She chose the life she lived, she did what she wanted to do, something not many people do. Some things were wonderful choices and some not quite the outcome anticipated. The thing is though, that she lived every moment of her almost 71 years her way. It was her life, the Only one she had.

Pain and loss

The world seems like a far off place, everything not as it should be. My Mom is dead, my heart feels as if there has been a huge hole ripped through it.

 I comfort my sons who at 22 and 31 have known the passing of family members. Their worlds are tilted on their sides as well. I hurt for and with them.

Mom's closest friend of over 30 years has spoken to Mom at least twice daily for decades. Talking to her yesterday I realized that none of us are grown up when it comes to losing our Mothers. we all become little frightened girls.

For a long time I remained in Darling Husband's arms, letting the tears flow and the pain overwhelm me. He is my rock, his arms a sanctuary, his love and caring how I will get through the loss of my Mom. I need strength to get through this, to travel for the first time as a blind person, to arrange her affairs, to carry her ashes back to Oklahoma and bury them next to my beloved daughter.

Checking flights and greyhound info and comparing that to being driven up there. Flying into Dayton, I'd need to hire a taxi to get to Wapakoneta, over an hour away. Either my electric trike goes, I walk, or call a taxi from Lima Ohio to come to Wapakoneta Ohio once I'm up there. The town is more than large enough to support a taxi service. I had tried to find a transportation service of any sort months ago to take Mom to the grocery store and out to run errands. There weren't any to be had for love or money. The grocery store is over a mile from her apartment, the funeral home is over two. The temperature was 11 degrees today. I have a reason why I do not live up there. Too cold.

Alternating between making arrangements and cleaning cupboards. Slept for about 4 hours this afternoon, now I'm wide awake and going strong. I'm not concentrating well. 

I received an order from Amazon this afternoon and was storing the box in the closet. It hit me that I no longer need boxes, no more packages will ever again be sent to my Mother. 

My soul hurts, I want my Mommy. 

Heartbreaking News

I received the news that my Mom passed away. She'd been ill for a long time, and I know that she is in a better place, she's no longer sick or hurting. She's with her beloved Daddy and with my precious Daughter, and she's happy. I will miss her so very much, I already do. Next week would have been her 71st birthday. I will never again hug her, get advice (sometimes good advice, hey, she's human), send her packages full of things that delight and amaze her. Telling my children and Mom's best friend of over 30 years broke my heart. I hurt

Time

Enjoying retirement and figuring out what to do with it is interesting. There are so many things to do and try, places to go, experiences to have.  Opportunities are available that are only dreams when you're busy working and raising a family. Hard to figure out which place, thing or idea to do first.

The biggest thing available is free time. Even though I spent my first two years sick, dizzy enough to fall and run into things. Then there was the vertigo keeping me flat on the floor every day. After all, you can't fall off the floor.

I still had available time. Time to remodel the house while I could make out enough details to choose materials to make our home beautiful. Time to learn with a few online classes where the print could be made huge and lectures could be listened to on the computer. Time to begin adapting our home to make it usable. Raised bumps mark canisters and appliances. Time to organize and simplify our home. Time to go through my possessions gathered over a period of decades several times and decide which ones enhance my life and which were ready to pass on in one form or another. Time to adjust to greatly diminishing sight as it occurs, to learn new ways to do things with each change of sight and colors. Time to figure out what hobbies I can still do, which activities I can take part in and how to still do. Time to learn to do my hair and makeup, organize my wardrobe, to find resources like computer text enlargers and readers, iPad and iPhone apps to read money denominations and identify colors. Time to memorize faces of loved ones, time to fill my eyes and soul with everything that I possibly can. Just time, so precious to me.

I've been up since yesterday afternoon. Worked on ironing, sorting and organizing scarves and pashminas while Darling Husband slept. Once he left for work at 4:30 this morning I vacuumed the house. When I wash one more load of clothing and unload the dishwasher, most of my chores will be done until Wednesday or Thursday. That means I can get more projects done over the next couple of days. 

A week and a half left of steroids. Thank goodness! I'm ready for it to be out of my system so my sleep habits can hopefully get back to semi normal. Just sleeping more than 25 to 30 hours a week would be wonderful.

Wide awake

The wardrobe organizing is underway. The clothing is photographed with the exception of the out of season clothing. Once that is done I'll move on to shoes, hats, scarves, etc. I set aside 3 pieces to do minor maintenance upon like trimming a thread and tightening a few buttons. Once I began it turned out to be easier than I'd thought it would be.

Growing up I never had a dresser so underwear and socks went in the nightstand and everything else was on hangers. The habit stuck with me as an adult since the most space I had was part of a small dresser. Now I'm folding and organizing things in drawers and suddenly my closet is huge! Most of the clothing is foldable. Wow! All of that space is incredible, nothing is crowded and it will be easier to find. No more having to press things before putting them on.

Progress feels good. Since I'm sleeping very little I am putting all of the extra time to good use. Listening to Amy Winehouse on some cable channel while doing laundry. Such a great talent, she left this world too early. Her voice reminds me of many of the singers from the forties and fifties. 

I slept 4 hours Thursday night and then stayed up until crashing from 2 to 6 pm Saturday afternoon. Now it's Sunday morning and I'm still up and raring to go. Doc said to take Benadryl to help me sleep, that didn't work. Then she gave me a scrip for ambien. It doesn't work either, take one and lay down and stare at the ceiling until my body can no longer stand being inactive and I just get up and keep going. This has gone on since late November, and I'm ready to slow down and rest. Hopefully once I'm done with the steroids and they're out of my system I'll be able to sleep again.

There are a lot of things that I'm working on and trying to accomplish while I have some sight left, so perhaps all of this wakefulness and energy is happening at a good time.

Layla, our little 13 year old tuxedo cat, follows me around. I'm not sleeping, and she's decided that I should be a 24 hour treat and catnip dispensary. Such huge noises coming from a tiny beastie, makes me think that most of her body is lungs and vocal chords.

Demeter sleeps all night and most of the morning unless she hears me rattle the catnip treat bag. Suddenly she appears next to me with huge eyes. She won't ask for treats, but is happy to get her boots and barkleys tbone treats. As soon as she finishes it she's asleep again.

I will miss seeing those eyes of hers. She has so many expressions and I know them all. She's a rescue that I got 5 years ago when she was just a few weeks old. Tiny and fuzzy, the stuffed toys I bought for her were bigger than she was. She's my guardian as well as a pet and companion. 

Time to switch loads from the washer to the dryer.

Getting Things Done

As it turns out the wallpaper was not prepasted, so there I was trying to hunt the ingredients to make wallpaper paste this morning. Not certain that I did it right, but it stayed up. The custom shelves are in place and clothing and shoes have been put away. There is now two and a half times the hanging space in the closet. It looks great!

The hobby room is about half done, returning the clothing to our bedroom closet was a large portion of the mess. I made space in the hobby room closet for formal wear and extra fabric that is for purse making. There's not a lot of either so that was fairly easy. The shelves were rearranged in order to gain more floor space. A full length mirror will be hung upon the wall. 

I'll be able to begin organizing my clothing and getting it labelled. Once that is done I'll be able to dress nicely whether or not I can see the clothing and accessories. There are some hats and purses to be embellished to complete my wardrobe and possibly some shoes.

We grocery shopped at Braum's this evening. Simple, small and everything tastes great. The huge variety of ice creams that they sell could make me fat in a hurry. Tonight I'm snacking on some of their green seedless grapes.

My guest ended up with the flu courtesy of one of my great nephews, her grandson. She's staying home in bed. Pity, I've had my flu shot and would happily feed her chicken soup until she's better. Now to change weekend plans since I will not have any company.

The hobby room is almost finished. I've greatly increased the floor space and the mirror is in place. Tomorrow I'll begin photographing all of my clothing, shoes and accessories. Huge project, there's nothing like emptying the closet completely to give an idea of the quantities one owns.

Enough for tonight.

Sleepless in OKC

Sleep cycles are swinging to extremes. Up for 24 hours, sleep 30 minutes, up 20 hours, sleep 16 hours, up 18 hours, sleep 4 hours, up 17 hours, sleep 3 hours, up again 11 hours and going strong. 

I'll be so happy to be done with the steroids and get semi back to normal. Will be extremely happy to drop the pounds gained since beginning those pills. My face shows the medicine, fuller cheeks and purplish shadows under my eyes from lack of sleep.

The closet has been stripped and painted. Wallpaper is cut and waiting in numbered rolls. The new shelving is stacked in the garage. By tomorrow evening it will be finished and back in order. Major project almost done, and I feel good.

The shopping list is made, three pages long, but the words are over an inch tall. Tomorrow I hope to get to the store and get the apartment ready as well as finishing the closet. Busy.

Why I rant

I notice that bad or less than good news at the eye specialist tends to get me really down. My anger and rants follow news that I can't be cured, that there is no established treatment, that I will likely end up with no sight at all. I don't want anymore bad news, tell someone else, I'm done hearing it. 

I want hope. I want good news. I want possibility. I want potential. Just tell me the good stuff. Please?

This weekend we have company after all. My youngest son, Arthur, is visiting. I love seeing him and getting to spend time playing catchup. He's quite smart and funny and extremely entertaining. 

No progress on the closets. I slept 16 hours last night and could easily sleep another 10 or 12. More medicine changes, the energy and exhaustion are wild swings usually taking me by surprise by the way they come and go. Today I sorted clothes, washed a load and did the dishes. Now, I'm pooped again.

It's all okay, it's the weekend. Nothing I have to do unless I feel like it. 

Ranting

I'm going on a rant, so get ready or read someone else's page if it bugs you. Let me say this clearly and exactly the way I want to say it.

Being blind sucks, bites, blows, annoys, frustrates, angers, saddens, depresses, infuriates, and pisses me off royally. It takes away the things I love to do, restricts my movements and freedoms, takes away things I used to be able to do without thinking and took for granted. It hides large portions of my world, leaving me without the safety of seeing danger coming ( ya hear me hybrid drivers, freaking sing loud or make some noise ). It makes basic things like shopping something that exhausts me. Just sitting down with a good book doesn't happen without multiple magnifying glasses and headaches. Hallucinations are getting annoying, my imaginary friends are my brain trying to fill in the blanks and they are not entertaining me enough at all. I want to enjoy sunshine, drive a car, drink grapefruit juice, see myself clearly in a mirror without 12x magnification, surf channels without being a foot from the TV. I want a grocery list on a post it note, not inch tall letters. I want socks that match without standing by an open door with sunglasses on. I want to see in low light, not have the world go pitch black when light levels change. I want to know when the bacon is done before it starts burning, and when the pitcher is full without sticking a (clean) finger in it to see when it gets wet. I want to see if the toast is the color i think it should be. I want Siri to read my mind and do what I want her to, not what she thinks I want. I want to trim my bangs and have it not look like a weedwhacker was used on it. I want to go places on my own and explore. I want to not have to see doctors or take anymore pills. I want a life without side effects, unless I can be promised fun ones, the kind that I never get.

I want my sight back!

Saw the eye specialist today....

Another trip to the eye specialist. 3 weeks of steroids so far and 3 more to go tapering down to finally 5 mg. She wants me to look over a couple of drugs, cellcept and cyclosporine. My immune system is weakened now, and these drugs will take it down completely. We discussed them some today and will do more on my next visit. 

Darling Husband asked her about what kind of time I will still have to see, but there just aren't any answers. Doctor Larsen hopes I'll be able to keep some sight, but told us that treatment won't let me regain sight. Disappointing, but I already knew that from researching autoimmune retinopathy, so hearing it wasn't a crushing blow. I know it hurt DH to hear it, not just from me, but from a doctor who has seen other cases of it.

So, that's how the weekend begins. I'm ready to spend some more time researching those drugs, not today or tomorrow, sometime in the next couple of weeks will be soon enough. Since I have three weeks before the specialist and I meet again I will have other things to occupy my mind and body.

Tomorrow the temps will be in the 70's so I will get out and ride the new electric trike. I'm so looking forward to it, nice weather and sunshine. It's been awhile since I've been out, and a few weeks since I got to try out the trike. Today we're putting reflectors on it and switching baskets from the other trike. Gotta have more room to haul purchases, and the rear basket we just installed is more than twice the size of the one which came with it.

This weekend I'll finish stripping out our closet and begin painting on Monday. Some wallpaper in selective spots and custom rods will take another day or so. By Wednesday it should be finished and back in order. One closet down, and three more to go. Not bad. Progress is always great. Steroids giving me oodles of energy mean I'm not sleeping and spring housecleaning is almost done.

Other than riding this weekend I don't know what we'll do. With Sunday being weathercrappy, (yes, I made up that word and I like it and it's staying) any outdoor fun will be a Saturday thing. I am feeling cooped up again, winter and bright sunlight conspire to keep me indoors. 

I ran across a photo of my no longer mine beloved Subaru. How I miss driving, getting behind the wheel, elbowing the dog away from the gear stick and just going. I got my driver's license on my 16th birthday, and drove ever since. Took for granted being able to drive. With a shattered right leg and broken left wrist, in 2001, I'd crawl in from the passenger side, hip to ankle cast across the center console, driving with my left foot. Walker tugged into the car behind me, I still went anywhere I wanted to. Now, there's no more driving at all, a trike is as close as I'll get to that freedom. Loss of freedom is never easy, and I keep looking for positives with this one. No insurance to go up, no tickets, no car payments, no maintenance, no worry about gas prices. Still, I'd rather drive.

Enough for now, steroids are making me get up and clean something.....

Accomplishing things

Back to the eye specialist tomorrow. I wonder if the medication will show any slowing of the disease at the three week mark. I need for it to work, it's my only chance to retain some sight awhile longer. Other options are too risky. No established treatment and no cure are terms I'm thoroughly sick of hearing and reading.

Company will come next week instead of this one. Gives me more time to get the closet done and the house back in order.

 One thing on my shopping list is a lovely carpet for the closet floor. Although small, I want it to be a real jewel of a room, pure pleasure to open the doors to every time. 2x8 will take care of it. Small runners are pretty inexpensive and will be an easy solution.

Pouring rain today, something we really need here in Oklahoma. The dog and cat came through the pet door thoroughly soaked. Of course Demeter immediately jumped on our bed, and Layla jumped in the planter full of begonias. Guess that explains the flattened flowers that had me puzzled. So, I need to repot a flower and change the sheets......

There was a home improvement show on earlier that I cringed through. The husband had to fight and battle with his wife in order to have a chair of his own. A chair, one place just for himself to sit and relax, one thing of his own that is what he wants to use after a hard day's work. Also, he was working hard on the remodel along with the show's hosts to save his family money. The wife would rage at him when she disliked something, at one point asking if he was drunk or dumb. If she was that nasty on camera you have to wonder what she is like when the film crew isn't around. I was mortified watching that kind of behavior.

I'm anxious for the hyacinths to come up and bloom. There are 6 blue (purple?) planted and there is blue aquarium gravel on the top of the pot to keep the cat out. They should smell great. There is a bag of the bulbs under the sink and I'll stagger planting them every couple of weeks. I think it will be a fun addition to our home.

Most of the clothing is on hangers in the hobby room. Now to photograph every piece along with accessories and shoes so outfits can be put together on the computer, printed and all in a binder. I figured out a system to identify each piece. Now to figure out how to label it all. It will be a relief to have a way to dress the way I want to without seeing the clothing. Doing the bedroom closet and the wardrobe at the same time will work out perfectly.

Darling Husband came home and within a matter of minutes got called back in. He works so hard to provide a wonderful life for us, not just at his job, but also here around the house. There is always something that he's fixing or improving to make our life better. I love that he enjoys doing things here at home, especially in the gardens. Between us the place looks spectacular. Every year it gets better as we think of things that we'd like to do or have to have the environment that we want around us. He is special and makes my life a magical place, one I want enjoy for the next thousand years or so.

Well I napped for about an hour last night and have been up since. Wide awake and have been busy. Screwy doggoned sleep cycles......

Today I realize that feeling good is especially nice. The house is clean, laundry done, garage in good working order except for the workspace corner, saw a doctor, cleaned a portion of a closet, made an incredibly huge dent in the chaos which is my hobby room, watered plants, changed the sheets, cleaned the kitchen, played with and fed pets, etc. and I still feel good. 

Listened to a show about old cars tonight. The people on the show restore them. There were 70 chargers, 70 challengers, and a 71 super bee. My very first car was a 1971 dodge challenger convertible, orange, white leather interior. When I was a teen I worked as a lifeguard. While I was working there would be a crowd of males drooling on the engine in the parking lot the whole time. they'd pull the hood pins, raise the hood and just talk cars. Listening to a bunch of guys who love those old cars and know their stuff was amazing. I heard information about the cars that I had not heard in decades.

Mom's newest box is mostly packed. A couple of wigs and a wig head, more clothing and scarves, some catalogs. If I send anything else I'll need to pack a second box.

Monday updates

Once again I explore and consult the web as I finalize plans for our bedroom closet. Wandering amongst the beauty and unique solutions offered by Pinterest, etsy and google, I am still doing the final tweaking of closet setups. Would love to blow out the wall between our closet and the office one which backs onto it. That project is beyond my capabilities at this time. 

The garage is much neater, just needs some light rearranging to increase function. In my mind I know where I want everything, and already have sliders under the heavy items.  Having a carpeted garage is really nice, easy on the feet and legs, and warmer than bare cement.

Doctors visits each of the next three days. Hopefully that will be all for while. While I love to get out and go places, doctors offices do not count. Today we did go to the pharmacy. Darling Husband stood in the RX line for more than 20 minutes while I wandered with a shopping cart. Found taper candles on clearance for a quarter each and stocked up on pepto bismal and band aids.

My youngest, Arthur, came over for a few hours to visit. He had just left a job interview and I have my fingers crossed for him. It's not easy for returning veterans, and his coming back to Oklahoma from Afghanistan has been rough. I had sold our home while he was gone and now live in the city. He was pretty much raised a country boy. There are adjustments for him.

Darling Husband's ex wife and granddaughter came over too. We all sat around eating pizza and breadsticks. His ex is also my hairdresser and she takes care of not just my hair but also is my go to person for makeup and styling tips. Special lady, I just love her. Little Leighton is growing rapidly, 17 months old, with the most lovely smile I've seen in a baby. She was fascinated by Demeter and watched her during most of their visit.

Later this week one of my closest friends will be here for a couple of days. I'll get the guest apartment in order, and goodies stocked in the fridge. I'm looking forward to seeing her, we always have such an amazing time together.

I talked to Mom over the weekend and let her know that I would be sending her some wigs this week. I have already sent her hats and scarves and a book on wearing and tying hijabs, the lovely muslim headscarves. Losing her hair due to chemo has been hard on her, and she is really enjoying having ways to wear headscarves that are beautiful. It makes me happy to send her things, especially things that add beauty to her life and make her feel pretty. Going through chemo is hard on a women's self esteem, it makes changes to her that are beyond her control. Her body and her appearance are different. Feeling good doesn't just happen. New clothes and accessories will not cure her, but it will hopefully make her feel lovely, and that can help. Mom has beautiful brown eyes that the scarves will bring out, and I'd love to go see her in them.

Tired and wrapping it up for the night.

Sunday Sorting

There are many things going on that I am in the process of accomplishing. There are even more on the back burner, waiting for time. Of course, I'm in a hurry to get it all done. There are hobbies to indulge in, books on tape to listen to, gardening to make me happy, skills to practice, etc.

I love the fact that our home is beautiful. Decorated in a relaxed, traditional style, it is always warm and welcoming. From the front enclosed patio overflowing with flowers most of the year to the peach tree in the back full of birds at the feeder and a tiny cat hiding nearby hoping for a feathered treat, I truly enjoy living here. It is my haven and my sanctuary, someplace where I can just be me.

Being at home is a privilege that I enjoy, especially now that I no longer have children living at home. There is no particular schedule I must keep, no more PTA or committees, no fund raisers to be involved with. Life is now about spending time with Darling Husband and doing the things that I like to do. The hobby room has many things for me to play with. The computer will read to me. The dog and cat make for good company. I will get to where I can cook easily again, it's just taking time...

I like my own company, although I really do need to get out and make more friends. Being alone is different from being lonely, and I don't mind being alone most of the time. Sometimes I do get lonely. Working with the public for many years and having to stop due to illness has been tough. I like people, a lot. Being friendly and outgoing was natural to me for so long. Now, I seem to be becoming shy. Not hiding kind of shy, just not as easy and relaxed around people. Some of it is that I cannot see to read expressions well anymore. People have to be up close for me to see them, and it's a lot closer than most folks like. Remember "Dirty Dancing"? "This is my dance space. That is your dance space". It's just not comfortable to be that close physically to anyone unless you have an extremely close relationship.

This is another night where I'm not sleeping. I went to bed and stared at the dark for awhile and finally got up. Last night I slept 12 hours, most others I sleep from 3 to 6 hours. Not complaining, I get a lot done when sleep evades me. Chores, projects, thinking, whatever else there is. So, I'm curled up on the sofa, iPad in lap and magnifying glass in hand. Wish I had Siri to dictate this to.....

I taught the dog and cat the term "girl time". Whenever I say it the two of them, both females, go to the bathroom with me. Then they get petted and told what good girls they are. Okay, so I'm easily amused. Anyone else taught their pets that one? They are a pair of smart girls, and loads of fun.

Weeding out the kitchen cabinets again today. The kitchen table is piled high with things I no longer want or need. So many things I tend to think that I'll use and then don't, it makes no sense to keep it all. 

A simpler life is happening day by day. Fewer things to keep track of, less to clean and take care of. The things here that I use do make my life pleasant. I replaced my almost empty homemade spearmint hand soap at the kitchen sink with pomegranate scented this afternoon. There is a pan on the stove covered with roses that remains on low heat filled with Gain fabric softener which gently scents the house and adds moisture to the air. A purple orchid next to the sink makes me smile. A Mickey and Minnie cookie jar hold hard candies on the buffet and add a touch of whimsy to an otherwise dignified decor. Special touches that remind me that I used to see to shop for fun things to make my home unique and to enjoy looking at as I cooked and cleaned.

Tonight I'll tackle the hobby room and try to get things in order. The hobby room closet will hold out of season clothing and formal wear as well as the antique linens. A huge Godiva bag holds dozens of scarves which need to be ironed and hung up. I have half a dozen hangers filled with scarves and need a better way to sort and store them. Right now the system consists of reds, whites, weirds, ones from Afghanistan, ones from India, Grandma types, party and formal, etc. I definitely need a better system.

The bathroom is sorted out as well, everything organized and unused items pitched. There is only one cleaning product in there now, comet. Glass cleaner stays in the kitchen cabinet and gets carried around. One kind of bar soap, Ivory. Manicure things have a pretty container to live in, as do extra hair care items. The towels are in good shape, and washcloths and hand towels are neatly folded in a basket in the bathroom cupboard.

Listening to a show about nuts, the tree kind. I liked the part about bees pollinating the almond trees. Interesting to know that honey made by bees from almond blossoms is inedible. Heck, it sounds like it ought to taste good.

Enough for tonight. I have plenty to do this evening that won't get done if I keep typing on the iPad...........

Plenty to do

The Christmas tree and decorations have been packed away for another 11 months. In taking everything down I sorted through the ornaments one more time, discarding another third of them. Next year I'll purchase a pre-lit tree, it's too difficult to spend one entire day just lighting the tree. I found myself crying, wondering if I'll ever be able to see another tree. This year it was a dark blob with huge balls of bright light. Once I was within a couple of feet I could make out some of the ornaments. I spent a lot of time this year just memorizing the way it looked.

Returning to the eye specialist later this week. I'm tired of doctors and medicines altogether. Too many pills, shots, tests, waiting rooms. Before getting ill I was strictly an aspirin and vitamin person, that was it and to me, more than enough. Maybe I will get some good news, like the steroids are slowing the progress of my disease as they take down my immune system. I need good news. The other medications being tried for AutoImmune Retinopathy are too dangerous. I won't risk trying them and ending up with side effects that will make me a total invalid or possibly be fatal. Steroids are my one chance at seeing awhile longer, they have to work so I can maybe have a little more time.

The house is mostly clean. There is one more load of laundry to wash, the hobby room is a huge mess, piled everywhere with clothing.

 Our bedroom closet is next week's project. I have the paint, wallpaper and custom shelving ready to install. Once that is done every article of clothing and all of the accessories will be photographed and a lookbook of outfits will be assembled. 

Still figuring out a system to find everything when I can no longer see it. Frustrating, I'm still puzzled as to just how to go about it. Labels of some sort, putting buttons or pins perhaps on labels, but then how to mark things like shoes or socks...

Marking appliances and canisters with raised bumps was easy. I can use most things in the kitchen. Cutting things is really hard, I'm scared that I will slice myself up. Reaching across hot burners to get to the controls on the stove is difficult. I pretty much quit using the stove for cooking, and am using crockpots and electric skillets. Not easy, but it helps.

Going through the kitchen and hobby room again, weeding out more items and simplifying my life. Knowing that things I thought that I'd need over the holiday season were not used means I can pass them on without guilt.

Tried to read part of a novel the other night. Just could not get into it. Lately all I can handle is non-fiction, things mainly to help me adapt and adjust to blindness which gets steadily worse.

 I feel a time crunch where sight is concerned, almost a panic mode to try and get everything done as quickly as possible while I can see enough to do them.  I worry about being in total darkness and attempting to live normally. One of my doctors suggested I get a housekeeper to help out. Good idea, but I'm not ready for that step at this time. Perhaps with spring and fall housecleaning and then see how it goes. I really do have to give kudos to a doctor who has great ideas instead of pills, that is the kind of thing that does help me. Too bad books that are written to help people adapt to low vision and blindness do not include things like that. The books I've read say "get closer" and "use a magnifying glass". Those are great ideas as long as doing those things still help. When the vision is gone no magnifying glass will do a thing.

Thought about starting an aquarium and then decided it might not be the best idea. The dog and cat can tell me when they are hungry. Fish are too doggoned quiet, they'd starve if I forgot or got busy. Same for aquatic plants, I'd end up with an aquarium full of dead plants, pretty sad.....

Tomorrow I hope to get the garage in order. My treadmill is in there along with an antique stove, bookcases full of gardening supplies, a folding area for the laundry, golf equipment, a tool box and a work table and shelves to store the power tools. Also, 2 trikes and Darling Husband's vehicle, a huge Expedition. Hard to believe my Subaru used to fit in there also.

Now that the holidays are over I have plenty of projects to keep me busy. At some point I have to make a grocery list and get to the store. The freezer is packed full at this time as well as most of the cupboards. I know I need a new soup ladle, I somehow melted the one I have. There are photo frames to purchase, and the sunlight has caused some lace curtains (at least 10 years old) to shatter. I want brightly colored cutting boards and utensils so I can see to work in the kitchen. I also need lighting under the kitchen shelves so I can see the counters easier. I just really need things that can let me stay independent awhile longer.

Lots of thinking tonight about the things to do in the next few weeks. It seems as though there is so much on my list and yet pacing myself and doing just one thing at a time will let it all get done. I am impatient, wanting everything done now. 

When the to-dos are done it will be time to start the flowers indoors for our gardens. There are packets and bags of flower seeds, mostly annuals. The packets of Birds Of Paradise seeds which arrived around Thanksgiving need to be planted. That will be something to really look forward to. 

Add Elephant Ear bulbs to the shopping list. Go ahead and plant Hyacinth bulbs tonight or tomorrow indoors just for fun.

I do love growing plants, indoors and outside. It relaxes me in many ways. Having my hands in the dirt and seeing results of digging makes me happy. Making things grow and bloom feels good to my soul, I feel a type of peace that few other things give me. Accomplishing and being rewarded for hard work and effort by wonderful sights and delightful smells is so special. I spend a lot of time in the warm weather out in the gardens. The gardens look better each year, we keep adding things. For my 50th birthday, Darling Husband got me a Weeping Willow, something I had always wanted.

Enough for tonight.