Personal Growth

Personal Growth

I'm thinking a lot of all of the things that I want to learn and study as well as many subjects that I'd like to brush up on. Instead of working to add things to my life I'm choosing to learn and add knowledge.

It is difficult to decide which things to settle upon when I have so many interests. I bounce from topic to topic depending on my mood. 

For my mind I have a lot of classes downloaded on a variety of subjects. Studying Space, Time and String Theory as well as brushing up on French and Spanish keep me fairly occupied. The class on Finding My Muse is what I like the most, it really grabs my interest and makes me think. I have enough downloaded classes to keep me busy for a couple of years before I need to find more.

Braille is another topic that I'm making a lot of headway in. It will be necessary to know as my sight decreases more. 

Practicing Crochet is for keeping my hands busy. I'd like to get to the point where I can make blankets for children in foster care.

Horticulture gets me into fresh air and allows me to dig in the dirt. Our gardens improve every year, as do my skills. If my daughter was still alive I don't think that she'd call my plants "death row" anymore.

Music lets me work on my listening skills. Trying to identify the different instruments is a game that I play with myself. Hearing damage in the upper ranges means that I miss out on some wood winds and soprano voices.

I have a treadmill, an exercise ball, hand weights and the two trikes to keep my body moving. Belly Dance and exercise videos add variety to my workout.

Lots of arts and craft materials make me think as I work with my hands. My cupboard of crafting items and books ensure that I won't be bored.

I'm trying to improve my cooking skills with reduced sight. Still scares me to reach across the burners in order to find the controls, to handle boiling things, and to use sharp knives. I used to cook and bake for a living many years ago. My joke was that I could easily cook for a few hundred people but not for one or two. I really need to get back to where I was before in cooking skills. I miss feeling confident and competent in the kitchen.

Some things I have to use huge lighted magnifying glasses for. Reading is now done on the computer with huge fonts. It's impossible to read on my phone, all of my contacts have their own ringtones so I can tell who is calling.

For years I'd save up my money to take courses as I could afford them. Years that I was raising children I often would buy used textbooks and learn on my own. Now I can study what I want thanks to the Internet and free online classes.

I never want to stop learning. I'm too curious to not have a book or six going at once.

Downsizing and luxury thoughts

Downsizing our home has taken a lot of work. Of course it's not finished, and at times I wonder if it ever will be. Using BrocanteHome's Trash It Or Treasure It has been a huge help. I work through it at my own pace and keep making steady progress.

Finding less items in our home reduces stress for me. Fewer things to take care of, to hunt for, to insure and keep track of make my life simpler. The times in my life that were the most enjoyable were when I had few possessions. The basics and sentimental items were really all that I needed to be content. I'd like to get back to that lifestyle, or fairly close to it. 

Luxuries have their place in a simpler life for me. Thick, plush bath sheets are necessary as well as the soaps, toothpastes and shampoos that I enjoy. A comfortable bed and soft sheets are mandatory and worth every penny. Price really has nothing to do with making my life simpler although some of the things that I choose are cheap. Ivory Soap is about as inexpensive as it comes, yet that bar of soap to me is the best smelling and lathering. My shampoo and conditioner are Suave brands. I indulge in RetinA and Brazillian Blowouts and regularly get rid of the grays that try to tell my age. Using Gain isn't pricy but makes my laundry smell the way that I want it to.

I do most of my clothes shopping at thrift stores, and because of that, can wear designer clothing every day. Many household goods and hobby items are also from thrift stores and we live quite well. My computer is from 2006, well cared for. Candles here are scented, and cost no more than un scented. My car, before I had to quit driving, was a 2000 Subaru Forester. To me, the best and safest car available, and one I would buy again in a heartbeat.

The ear infection has returned and I'm in some pain tonight. Drinking hot spearmint tea, taking half a pain pill and a sleeping pill should make me feel better tomorrow. A lowered immune system is not making me a happy camper at all.

This weekend promises to be cold and crappy out. Apparently Winter is not ready to give up its hold on us.

Just slept for 16 hours straight and am feeling better. The ear still hurts, but less than last night. I am grateful for that. More hot spearmint tea and wheat crackers until I'm better.

Sunday Night

The weekend is winding down. Sunday night is the time when I plan the upcoming week, deciding on projects and chores which need tending to. Checking the weather to see when outdoor projects are best accomplished, and which days are perfect for indoor activities and/or cocoa and a nap.

There's so much I want to do with spring beginning in a few days. Mainly gardening projects to welcome warm weather like staking my rose bushes to trellises, planting my callas, caladiums, celosias, elephant ears, hyacinths and other flowers. I have 3 patios, 3 gardens, planters and pots all over, window boxes in many windows. That's a lot of planting to do. I'm hoping to get to Lowe's to get 25 flats of petunias. The main patio has planters for vining plants which need more soil before seeding. The front patio needs at least 5 big ferns, 3 wandering jews, and at least half a dozen palms. One planter will take more than 2 flats of geraniums. That's some work! Boy it's sure worth it when it's finished. 

We're looking forward to sitting on the patios in the evening. We spend time out there whenever the weather cooperates, eating dinner, talking, enjoying the gardens and watching fireflies. That's our special time together. I really look forward to it.

Darling Husband got the cat tower out of the attic for me over the weekend. I set it up in the hobby room in front of a window so that our wee fuzzy beastie can enjoy the views. Sucker takes up a quarter of the room. I put catnip in every other section and pillows on the top perches. Layla loves it! She's all over it, reaching out to nose bump me when I'm in the chair next to it.

We took Demeter to the groomer on Saturday. She had a full day of beauty and came home prancing and showing off. She had a bath, hair cut, nails done, the whole works. She smells delicious, like vanilla and baby powder. She even had her teeth brushed with chicken flavored toothpaste. Sure reminds me that I'm overdue for a trip to the beauty parlor.

My mind is still thinking about medical options. The more I think about it, the more I realize what a huge decision it is. So.... The subject gets revisited frequently. No matter the argument that wanders through my brain I still end up deciding to forgo the medicine. Let it take it's course. I will feel healthy, my life will be enjoyable every day. Blindness is something that I'll get used to. The idea of it has had time to simmer, it's adjusted, become part of me. It will not harm me. I can live with myself, having made up my mind, it will all be alright. My life will still be amazing, entertaining and everything I ever wanted. So blindness is a blessing in a lot of (really weird) ways.

Enough for tonight...

Thinking Out Loud

If you're reading this post you might want to grab a snack and a comfy seat. I have a lot on my mind and am making some decisions, big ones, and right here is where my life is.

The finale of a busy week, a chili dinner and a well deserved rest. I got rid of an entire truck load of household items and clothing this week. That's a lot of progress made. The house is clean, things are organized, and I feel terrific.

Today I took the electric trike out shopping. I had bought a woven trunk and mounted it on the rear of the trike. It's a vehicle that's definitely unique and had a lot of people checking it out when it was parked at the store. The new rear trunk means that my purchases are secured and  the motor and battery pack are stored safely.

I've had a bad ear infection for the past couple of weeks. After antibiotics didn't work well, inhaled and injected steroids were added. So, I get ill from steroids lowering my immune system, and it takes more steroids to cure it. Go figure.

The steroid treatment failed to slow the disease. I saw the Eye Specialist yesterday. She wants me to go on Methotrexate and Folic Acid for a minimum of 6 months. So, I'm researching the drug. It has major interactions with most of my medications, and warnings with most of my other ones. So, I have to go off the daily aspirin for heart health, off the only medication that has helped the arthritis that has tormented me since 2001. Get rid of the rest of the medications that I take daily. Within a few weeks my immune system will be completely gone. There will be very few things which can be taken for illness. No vaccinations, most antibiotics are no-nos. There are side effects that can kill me with the first dose, others that can destroy organs, many that will keep me ill and miserable for some time.

There's some serious thinking going on right now, things that I've been considering for months still need to be resolved. What will happen if I take it? What happens if I don't?

What happens if I let the disease progress? Is there a chance that a treatment will be found? One that works? Are the risks associated with the drug worth it in order to see a while longer? How do I decide? 

At this time my thoughts are to let the disease progress. I think that my quality of life is the deciding factor. Most of my sight is gone. Had the diagnosis been found early instead of taking two years, the tracks that my head and heart follow might be entirely different. The most that this disease can do to me is to take my sight. After denying, fighting, raging, bargaining, arguing for all I was worth since my sight began disappearing two and a half years ago, I have finally come to accept it. I'm not giving up by any stretch. If there comes an effective cure I will move mountains in order to use it. At this time there is no established treatment or cure for AutoImmune Retinopathy. Some treatments may, note the word may, slow it down for a time. There is no way to restore the rods and cones in the retina. Once they are gone they won't return. The risks associated with the medication will be great. Greater, perhaps, than I want to open myself to. I'm not happy about being blind, that's a given, but it's not ruining my life at all. 

Life is permanently altered. There are things in my life that will now never happen. In the place of missing out on things I'm finding that so many new opportunities are opening up. Many things have been learned, new ways of doing things, of getting around. I'm living a much different life now, in many ways it has actually become much better than it ever was.  I can indulge in every idea, every wish and dream that I've ever had. I can pursue every interest. I can do anything that I want to do or try. There are limits, but only ones that I put upon myself. Visual limits are there. So, I do things differently, I adapt. Learning Braille is a step in the right direction. I will master it.

My world is a lovely place. I cannot see dirty, or ugly. It's all beautiful to me. There are great benefits, big and small. I'm surrounded by beauty at all times from what I know I see and how I can remember things being when I had good vision. 

I hear music better even with some hearing loss. What I hear are the instruments and songs that I had not paid attention to before. I'm listening to music styles which are out of my comfort zone, noticing birds singing, sounds associated with different things.  

The life that I've decided works for me includes extremely simple meals at this time. Housework is much easier with fewer possessions and takes much less time. Much time is spent gardening, indoors and out. Flowers bloomed in three different rooms all winter long. Hobbies and crafts are in various stages of progress and/or readiness. I'm listening to books, music and news. Learning everything and anything at all. Braille and reading books by Stephen Hawking are currently keeping me occupied. I'm still working on the wardrobe organizing project. It should be a much higher priority due to more colors fading in my vision. We get to travel from time to time, and I've been an armchair traveler for years, learning about different places that catch my interest. There's a lot of freedom in being able to go places, both near and far. I have a new appreciation for ways to get around. Being unable to drive anymore was world changing, learning to get around with an electric trike changed my world in more ways. I go very slow, and not too far on it, but I do go. 

The main thing that I have is the gift of time. There is time to adjust to being blind as each change occurs. I learn ways of coping with less and less sight. 

I also have time to learn who I am.  Getting acquainted with myself has been entertaining. I see myself enjoying a beautiful life, doing the things that I love doing, spending each day as a truly special day. I have a picture in my mind of how life is and will be. Each day born of dreams and spent creating memories, right down to the smell and flavor of the coffee that begins my day. 

This is just a portion of my life. There are other things that I consider as part of my quality of life.  Parts that are absolutely amazing  and delightful to me. My life is a fairy tale, complete with all of the beauty, love and magic that that comes from the dream come true that is wished for and dreamed of from childhood onward. I want the life I lead to continue even with blindness. 

I think I know what my decision will be.