Last day of 2013 is moments away as I write this. I'm ready for it to pass. 2014 needs to, and must be, better.
A lot of the year has been extraordinary bad. Losing both parents just weeks apart. Taking the drugs that the doctors wanted to try, with side effects making life a nightmare, kept me down for a long time. Coping with another woman in my house, that I had no choice about, has nearly shoved me out the door. Vision deteriorating even more has made my world extremely small.
I'm not happy, but I'm working on it. I find joy where I can. I look for ways to be at peace. I put up with a lot of bad things, and in return, I get a home, provided for, and flowers every other week. I get a place to live safely as a low vision/blind person. Sounds pretty sad, even to me.
Please, please, please let 2014 be a good year.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Christmas Eve
Waiting for a head count for Christmas. With youngest working evening/night shift, it's not easy to make connections. Solution? Message through Facebook and wait. And wait, and wait. Eventually, he gets off work, sleeps, and checks messages.
Laundry is caught up, the house is clean. Presents are wrapped and under the tree. Now, for the wait for Christmas.
I'm watching/listening to the 49ers and the Braves play at Candlestick Park. Two minutes left, and San Francisco just pulled off a great touchdown, sending the score beyond Atlanta's reach. Great game, I love listening to football.
Soon, I will finish a bowl of chocolate ice cream, and head down the hall to bed.
I'm ready to wrap up this year and start fresh in 2014. It's been a rough year, too much loss and pain and change. '14 has to be better, if only a little.
I'm ready for my eyes to stabilize, to stop the constant deterioration of vision that occurs as I adjust to each loss. I'd love to keep at least a little sight, to not end up in total darkness. I'm tired, of trying to focus when my eyes can no longer do so. Tired of fighting wrinkles from squinting, when doing so does not work. Tired of seeing things in perfect detail in my dreams and awakening to low vision or total blindness, depending on the light level around me. Tired of not finding things, of getting burned in the kitchen, of bumping into things, of wearing bruises, of not seeing the faces of my loved ones. Tired of losing more and more of my independence as levels of sight decrease.
I want a cure. I want it now.
Laundry is caught up, the house is clean. Presents are wrapped and under the tree. Now, for the wait for Christmas.
I'm watching/listening to the 49ers and the Braves play at Candlestick Park. Two minutes left, and San Francisco just pulled off a great touchdown, sending the score beyond Atlanta's reach. Great game, I love listening to football.
Soon, I will finish a bowl of chocolate ice cream, and head down the hall to bed.
I'm ready to wrap up this year and start fresh in 2014. It's been a rough year, too much loss and pain and change. '14 has to be better, if only a little.
I'm ready for my eyes to stabilize, to stop the constant deterioration of vision that occurs as I adjust to each loss. I'd love to keep at least a little sight, to not end up in total darkness. I'm tired, of trying to focus when my eyes can no longer do so. Tired of fighting wrinkles from squinting, when doing so does not work. Tired of seeing things in perfect detail in my dreams and awakening to low vision or total blindness, depending on the light level around me. Tired of not finding things, of getting burned in the kitchen, of bumping into things, of wearing bruises, of not seeing the faces of my loved ones. Tired of losing more and more of my independence as levels of sight decrease.
I want a cure. I want it now.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Christmas Eve Eve
Haven't moved. I spent a week with some close friends. Nothing major, just being with people I've known and loved for decades, ones who love me and help me put things in perspective. They listen without judging, offer open arms and hearts, and give me a safe place to be.
Last weekend, I made friends with a couple of women who also have low vision/blindness. It's interesting to get to know people who are going through a lot of the same issues that I am. Makes me feel less alone.
The tree is up and decorated. When the lights are on all I see is a huge, black shape covered with giant balls of white light. Within a couple of feet I can make out some of the colors. I remember where I put each ornament, and can picture each in my mind. Beautiful.
Ready for Christmas, with the exception of a package that ups allowed to languish at their facility for 5 days before sending it to the US mail to deliver. Who knows if/when it will arrive? The latest update states 2 business days from now. Guess what? I ordered early in order to get it before Christmas 2013, not 2014. So, needless to say, I am unhappy with ups. Big thing that gets me, is that it is Hubby's gift.
The turkey is nearly thawed. There is a Black Forest ham in the fridge. The buffet is loaded with snacks to nibble on.
The dinner menu consists of....
Turkey with Gravy
Ham
Wild Rice
Sweet Potatoes
Sliced Tomatoes
French Cut Green Beans
LeSoeur's Baby Peas
Mashed Potatoes
Croissants with Butter
Key Lime Pie
Cheesecakes
For snacking....
Shrimp Cocktail
Assorted Cheeses and Crackers
Cookies
Brandy Rum Balls
Pub Mix
Candies
Apples
Pears
Oranges
Grapefruits
Pomegranates
Beverages....
Milk
Coffee
Teas
Apple Cider
Pink Lemonade
There will likely be other things added to the lists as I think of them.
We expect my youngest on Christmas Day, possibly his roommates. My youngest stepson is here from San Francisco, he's staying at his Mom's a block away, so he 'll probably be here part of the day. My oldest stepson and his family should be in town, so we may see them as well. The Ex will be here part of the time, I'm sure.
My adopted Dad called this morning. We talked for the longest time. I also received a long letter from one of my StepMothers. She told me of Dad's last days, and of his love for me. I cried, and still tear up thinking of it.
Enough for now.....
Last weekend, I made friends with a couple of women who also have low vision/blindness. It's interesting to get to know people who are going through a lot of the same issues that I am. Makes me feel less alone.
The tree is up and decorated. When the lights are on all I see is a huge, black shape covered with giant balls of white light. Within a couple of feet I can make out some of the colors. I remember where I put each ornament, and can picture each in my mind. Beautiful.
Ready for Christmas, with the exception of a package that ups allowed to languish at their facility for 5 days before sending it to the US mail to deliver. Who knows if/when it will arrive? The latest update states 2 business days from now. Guess what? I ordered early in order to get it before Christmas 2013, not 2014. So, needless to say, I am unhappy with ups. Big thing that gets me, is that it is Hubby's gift.
The turkey is nearly thawed. There is a Black Forest ham in the fridge. The buffet is loaded with snacks to nibble on.
The dinner menu consists of....
Turkey with Gravy
Ham
Wild Rice
Sweet Potatoes
Sliced Tomatoes
French Cut Green Beans
LeSoeur's Baby Peas
Mashed Potatoes
Croissants with Butter
Key Lime Pie
Cheesecakes
For snacking....
Shrimp Cocktail
Assorted Cheeses and Crackers
Cookies
Brandy Rum Balls
Pub Mix
Candies
Apples
Pears
Oranges
Grapefruits
Pomegranates
Beverages....
Milk
Coffee
Teas
Apple Cider
Pink Lemonade
There will likely be other things added to the lists as I think of them.
We expect my youngest on Christmas Day, possibly his roommates. My youngest stepson is here from San Francisco, he's staying at his Mom's a block away, so he 'll probably be here part of the day. My oldest stepson and his family should be in town, so we may see them as well. The Ex will be here part of the time, I'm sure.
My adopted Dad called this morning. We talked for the longest time. I also received a long letter from one of my StepMothers. She told me of Dad's last days, and of his love for me. I cried, and still tear up thinking of it.
Enough for now.....
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