A great day

The gifts are purchased and have begun arriving. Other than groceries I'm done with shopping until after the holidays. My Christmas card list is made, and I have the cards ready. Changed my mind about some of the older ones, if I had liked them they would have been used up by now.

Major progress in all areas. I'm feeling so much better, and life is going well. Spent this afternoon with a friend, and will spend time with another tomorrow. Part of my problem is loneliness, being ill has kept me stuck at home much of the time and it really gets to me. Being out and about has done much to improve my spirits.

This weekend I'll have the grandchildren here. I always wanted to be a grandma from the time I was little. My grandmothers enjoyed it so much that I knew that it was something that I wanted very much to be when I grew up. It's special to spend time with tiny people, seeing the world through their eyes. Pure magic to me, and everything I hoped it would be. The toy baskets and books are ready to pull out at a moments notice, the Disney and holiday movies are within easy reach. So much fun! Oh, and animal crackers, lots and lots of them.

Today I got a few things that, to me, are world changers. Stickers for my computer keys that are bright yellow with huge black letters on them. A stand and keyboard for my iPad. And a huge lighted magnifier on a floor stand so I can read and do crafts. It gives me back some of the skills that I had been steadily losing due to blindness. Independence is a wonderful thing, even in small areas.

Tomorrow I'll get my hair done. That's the first time since April. Believe me, it shows that the blind chick trims her own bangs.... Just feeling other hands massaging my scalp during a shampoo feels like heaven. I miss that kind of touch, it reminds me of grandma washing my hair when I was a little girl. Such loving memories return each time I'm at the hairdressers and lean back in the chair at the shampoo station.

Busy weekend ahead, and much to do......

Ah, Monday

There are only 5 machines in the United States which do the specialized test that my eye docs want before medicating me. Guess which machine is broken? Yup, the Oklahoma City one.

So, as soon as its been repaired I'll have the test and be able to begin. Shoot, we've only known what the diagnosis is for what, a couple of months? What's another week or two? I'm disappointed, just wanting to start this before the last of the vision is gone which would make the medicine a moot point. After all, the worse this disease will do is take away every bit of my sight leaving me in total darkness.

Tonight was something new, chicken marinated in wine, herbs and garlic served with wild rice. Turned out really well. If I won't be able to eat out for the next couple of years or longer, we'll just have to up the variety on the menu at Chez Harris. When I cook in huge pans like stock pots I'm a bit more comfortable at the stove. Reaching across hot burners and pans to use the controls really makes me nervous. Silicone oven mitts give me a little more confidence, but I'm still careful.

It really felt great to get rid of most of the Christmas decor, I expected trauma after decades of collecting. Wasn't bad at all, I may get rid of some more before its all said and done.....

 Now there's a huge portion of a closet freed up, my summer clothing is all in one gigantic tote, the excess and antique linens all have a designated space, and a lot of artwork that we're not displaying at the moment has a place that's out of the way. I may even have room for the grand children's toys which will free up space in the rest of the house...

Got the kitchen cupboards done with a weed out. Made one cupboard so darling Husband's snacks are all together. Put away a lot of items so the holiday serving pieces can be used. Talk about making a difference? Oh yeah!

Still working my way through BrocanteHome's Trash It Or Treasure It. I will say that becoming one of their Housekeeping SuperStars is the best money I've ever spent. Alison May has a way about her that makes the whole process a lot easier than any other ones I've tried over the years, and I'm so grateful to have found the program at this time in my life. Part of becoming one of her SuperStars is a cornucopia of different programs, designed to make you the best you can be in many different areas of your life. I'm looking forward to going through all of them once I finish weeding out the house. I have printed and bound her Christmas Planner, and hope to look at it later this week when I have time.

Tomorrow, the presents I've ordered through Amazon will begin arriving. I'll get them wrapped and under the tree ASAP. Thankfully, the dog and cat don't mess with the Christmas tree or anything under it like pets I've had in years past. 

Christmas cards are out, sitting in a box on a shelf waiting for me to sit down and begin the whole process. There are an assortment of cards from various years past, beginning in the early 80's, and I think I'll use them before opening the new packages of cards this year. Who will say "didn't she send me that card back in '92?" Recycling? No, just using up what I have in this instance.

Bed time for Me! 

Weekends are for.......

Saturday again... The Bedlam game is on, pizza is ordered. Relaxation amid the chaos which is our home today.

I'm much better after last week. My heart and soul were in a low place. Each time I get hit with the knowledge that I will not regain sight, that my disease cannot be cured I get so upset. The losses overwhelm me, and it takes huge effort to get through the darkness.

Been doing the holiday decorating, weeding through decades of collections and attempting to simplify. I have some to send to Mom for her retirement apartment, and boxes and bags to send to work with my husband. 2 of his employees have moved here recently and could use them for their own homes.

The house does look spectacular, I love holiday decorating. Still need to put family portraits back on the shelves, and box up the rest until January. Making plans to store my out of season clothing in some of the extra totes that are now freed up. Also, figuring out a way to have a folding area in the laundry so I'm not throwing an armload of clean clothing on a chair in the living room and dealing with it there.

Simplify, simplify, simplify. Every little bit helps. No matter how much I do though, it seems as if more is magically created in its place. It will get to a manageable place soon, I just have to keep after it steadily. 

Tomorrow promises to be a good day, no place we have to go and nothing we have to do other than picking up prescriptions and bread. Just time to enjoy together.

Finally beginning medicine for the vision on Monday, hoping it will slow or stop the loss of sight. I will be saying farewell to my immune system for a long time. Not sure yet how to handle going out in public, the surgical masks aren't a fashion statement I'm liking at all. Perhaps a middle eastern type veil instead. Whatever I do for protection has to look good, no other option will work. Dreading the side effects which will come with the medication. I'm sensitive to every medication as it is. This one causes, among other things, weight gain. Bad enough I fight with the bathroom scales daily, I don't want to pack on the pounds. It's tough, but I'll make it. I'll just have to work that much harder to stay in shape.

Enough griping..... More in the morning.

And a relaxing Sunday morning it is. Three quarters of the holiday decorations are gone! Never, ever thought that it could or would happen. This really is freeing! Less to take care of, keep track of, etc. it makes me want to get after more closets and cupboards, just to see the progress.

Just out of the shower, sitting on floor pillows, sipping iced tea. Still have a few things to do around here, but not much. Mostly putting things away and changing the sheets. The rest of the day is devoted to darling Husband and football games......

Quotes bring much thought.

I read a quote earlier by P. D. James which states "The Secret of Contentment is Never to Allow Yourself to Want Anything Which Reason Tells You You Haven't a Chance of Getting." Definitely something which grabbed my attention and I've been thinking of since there are things in my life that I'm struggling with. Some health related, some not, but the quote seems to apply to each issue.

How does one come to terms with things that are no longer possible? To know that life has changed in permanent ways and that nothing can be done to reverse any of it?  How do you accept that life cannot go back to what was? How do you reconcile what you had with what you're stuck with, a poor substitute for what was wonderful and special and will not occur again?

How to deny yourself being able to wish for, long for, hurt for, dream of, or even think of what cannot be? How to make the best of things (something I've done all of my life) under circumstances that harm the body and soul?

Blindness is a large part of what I'm writing of tonight, knowing that what "is" is not going to get any better. I'm mourning the changes in my life. 

When my illness began I had just married the man of my dreams, moved from country home to city life, transferred my job to a more challenging job with the same company, became an empty nester, moved away from family and friends, was dealing with both of my parents in different areas of the country who had cancer, had gotten rid of most of my possessions, had come to terms with the death of my daughter, and had changed my looks completely... body, hair, face, and clothing. Everything was unfamiliar, and in many ways still is. There has been so much to adjust to and it still overwhelms me. I don't recognize myself in the mirror, ever anymore. I am unfamiliar after almost two and a half years with who I am, with my thoughts and beliefs, and even with my possessions and abilities. Losing sight has just compounded all of these changes. I don't know what direction to head into, just that no matter what way I go in life that nothing will ever be right in the way I want or think it should be.

So, how do I deny myself the thoughts? The wishes? The wants? How? To get rid of things running through my head? To bury the pain of going without what is basic to life and living and happiness? To know that some of the changes and decisions are not mine, never were and never will be. Those were made for me without consulting me, just made unilaterally. Unfair!

How is contentment found? When hope has been taken away? When the choices are not my own and all I can do is fight or accept? How to give in without fighting with everything within me? Can I accept if fighting for what I want and need is still denied? Do I end up spending my life bitter and unhappy? 

I try to be happy, I really do. I have Always made the best of things, no matter what occurred. For the most part my life is great. I have things and opportunities that most people only fantasize about. Even with blindness this is an amazing life. I feel ungrateful that I'm not content and happy with what still is. There are possibilities in front of me that are waiting to be enjoyed, to be lived. 

Tonight the losses are hitting me hard, and somehow I have to get through this. My despondency doesn't just affect me, but also others in my life whom I love and wouldn't wish to hurt for any reason. Each life touches others and I need to keep that in the front of my mind. I have to be strong, to stop harming myself by wanting what I can't have. 

Here's What IS.......

Life isn't fair.

Hope does not do any good.

Neither does wishing.

Being strong is the only way to survive.

Denying needs and desires will keep me sane.

Hurting others is bad. 

So is hurting myself.

Expectations fail every time.

Crying gives me frog eyes.

I've had them for the last few days.

Giving up is a real possibility.

Antidepressants don't help.

Sleep rarely satisfies.

Pasting a smile on my face and faking it makes others happy.

Lying and saying I'm fine makes others happy too.

No one really wants the real answer to how are you?

When I smile I get left alone.

Being unwanted in my life was something I grew up with, and what I'm familiar with.

Not ever being certain of being welcome in any circumstance is also familiar.

I made sure every day that my children knew they were loved and cared for. 

Even so, I buried one seven years ago.

I've spent my life being a great friend to someone who wasn't one to me.

She's still special to me.

My heart and soul hurt.

I still hope.

I want what I can't have.

Promises are never kept, never have been, I can't remember a single one made to me that has been kept.

Suicide is NOT an option or an answer.

Ever!

Things are nice, love is vital and necessary.

Giving up on dreams is hell.

Love is never in vain.

Forgiving is not forgetting.

Thoughts hurt, but must occur.

The heart wants what it wants.

So does the soul.

They don't always agree with each other.

This evening I'm profoundly unhappy. 

I'll get over it and be alright.

Love is always worth it.

Even with all of this I still believe that life is good, that I can be happy, that love is what gets us through. This life will be wonderful again and all I wish for and dream of. My life will be special, and I will once again love everything about it. I will get through this dark night, and come out stronger for it. Much thought is being given to the choices that I am making, to the future that making them will bring. I will reconcile the discord in my heart, head and soul. The present difficulties will resolve and I will know in my heart that I will be okay.  That I will be at peace with decisions made. I have to believe this with every fiber of my being. It's not optional. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Taking Care of Things

How did I get to be 51 years old without knowing that peroxide makes whites really white? Just tried it last night and was amazed. One thing I worry about is not being able to see stains and yellowing whites as my sight decreases more and more.

Funny that things like that really bother me. But they do, I can't help it. Things looking nice is important to me. How do blind people know when things look shabby and need replacing? Some things just can't be touched in order to know their condition and appearance.

I'm eating a lot of grapes and cuties (seedless clementines) lately. Other foods just don't appeal to me for some reason. At least they're good for me. The dog doesn't seem to like the red grapes much so she's not pestering me continuously for some. On the other hand, she can't get enough green grapes, she drools on my feet (no kidding, it's hilarious) whenever I'm snacking on them.

Yesterday my neighbor and I went to Nature's Treasures. She was shopping for incense, and I was going to see everything. The smells were delightful as we walked inside. They had a bit of everything for sale. I found a cute figurine of a mama owl and her babies. I also got some sage for smudging the house, it's long overdue. Restocked my mugwort too. Some medicines I'm on seem to bring on nightmares so I'll make a new dream pillow and see if that helps. There was a lovely wreath next to their door that I'd like to make one similar too. Wonder who carries violet poinsettias?

Not much for today, listening to OSU playing football and doing laundry. The house is clean and I like the way the house feels. I may tackle more of the Christmas closet over the weekend, after going through it the other day I pretty much have it under control, but know that more needs to be done. 

How do I know when I've gotten rid of enough? I don't want to be owned by possessions, but also do not wish to go without what I need to be comfortable in running my home. I've lived with very little before, having made a couple of fresh starts in the past, mainly by making huge moves and not wanting to haul everything partway across the country. Getting rid of stuff in order to have less without a plan does not make sense. What do I use, even if its once or twice a year? What do I really enjoy and love owning? Are these items that I keep beautiful? Or, are they there because its something I have to have? Is there an item that has multiple uses rather than having 2 or more things for a lot of individual tasks? There's more thought in downscaling than I had initially realized.

Crafty Room

Got the grocery shopping done today, it took just over 3 hours to accomplish. There has to be a better way than using an 8 x 10 magnifying glass, a list with inch tall letters, and saying a lot of bad words every time something is either moved or changes it's packaging. At least it's finished.

Quiet this evening. I am somewhat preoccupied.

I was using the knitting loom for the first time and realized I had not really made anything after going through a skein of yarn. Do I tie it off and call it good? Undo it, and start a knitting project for real? Perhaps start another skein of yarn and see what turns out. It's all a learning curve, right?

Hoping to get the trike out tomorrow if the weather cooperates. I need some fresh air, and a change of pace. It will let me have time to think about how I want to make the 7 lace purses without distractions, or the urge to go to the hobby room and start putting them together before working them out in my head. I have to picture it finished before I begin on this project. 10 beautiful pieces of handmade lace, each becoming a unique purse. 3 are finished except for a bit of trim, the others are waiting for the creative juices to flow. 2 will be for little girls, one for a teen, the rest for women. It challenges me to picture each one and then to backtrack through the steps it takes to make each look like the vision in my head. Luckily, I'm stocked with everything that could possibly be needed to create them. Making purses is something I'm truly enjoying. These are different than the simple sewn or crocheted purses I made over 30 years ago. I have books full of patterns, but I tend to look through them, and then just think about the fabrics and trims on hand. After that I just make what comes to me. I never have used a pattern for purse making, just let them make themselves with my hands helping to bring each one into being until they match what's in my thoughts.

The way the hobby room ( heck, I guess that's what I'll call it for now) is set up makes creating easy. There are places for all sorts of entertainment. My teeny, tiny sewing machine, a $29 shark, is set up in front of an east window. Perfect spot, I'll never touch it earlier than afternoon, the sunlight won't be an issue. Cubbies with pretty baskets hold craft materials. Others hold books, music, photos, a record player, tons of binders of info for downloaded classes, and plants. The begonias have hogged the north window and are growing large. Huge palms fill the east window on the table just past the sewing machine. The computer has its own corner, note to self, need a comfy chair. An antique settee has a place of honor. Grandma never let anyone sit on it. Since she gave it to me 14 years ago it has been used and enjoyed. The wood carvings are so lovely to touch and admire, the back and seat are perfect to sink into and stay with a book and a cup of tea for hours at a time. There are paintings and prints on all of the walls. Also Cirque de Soleil tickets thumb tacked to the wall by the computer. An antique prayer kneeler holds hats waiting to be redecorated. It's a lovely room and, while not large, is more than large enough to enjoy a number of things without feeling crowded. I like it a lot.

Enough, I'm headed to bed.

Wednesday and Things Done

The Christmas closet is done!!! What a project, there are huge bags ready to go out. Down to 3 wreaths, 5 totes and a small pile still to be gone through. I've yet to go through the trees, and will go through glass ornaments next week when the decorating begins. It feels wonderful to have this much done, so much less to deal with later.

With that done and my hobby room gone through, I can have places to craft and relax, to enjoy, to just sit and think for awhile. That's really nice, and I so truly appreciate having my own space. It's something I've not had since I was growing up. There are paintings on the wall, books on the shelves, a place for my tiny sewing machine and craft items, a computer corner, very comfy places to sit, lots of plants, music to listen to, and a treadmill with a DVD player to workout at.

The Christmas closet now has room for my out of season clothing. That makes more space for me to use and enjoy. Very pleasant, and it makes our home feel larger when things are put away.

Tonight is Survivor, and I'll snuggle up in my rocking chair next to the TV, and have an hour of fun......

Tuesday evening

Tuesday

I saw my youngest child today. He showed up this morning and we visited for a couple of hours before heading out again. I sure don't see much of him anymore, and that's pretty tough. I miss him. We spent years talking daily and now it's a one sentence Facebook post every few weeks if I'm lucky. Motherhood.....

Headed to my home office/hobby room to start on the Christmas closet and ended up doing that room instead today. It tends to get a bit out of control in a short amount of time. My projects are back in working order so I can easily locate my supplies. One chair still has things piled on it, and I should be able to finish that and begin on the Christmas closet before my doctors appointment tomorrow.

Hard to believe that November is almost half over, this year has gone so quickly. We did have a lot on our plates, but still, I have a hard time keeping track of time lately. Just a few more weeks until the holidays arrive, and a new year begins shortly after.

On the 26th of this month I return to my eye specialists to begin treatments. Looking forward to hopefully slowing the vision loss, but dreading the new round of side effects. They never end, every single dose of medicine taken daily causes them, and now we'll add to the fun.

Starting to think about Christmas shopping. Maybe online shopping again this year. Navigating crowds is getting tougher and tougher as my vision decreases. I want and need to get out. Almost no vision and hallucinating makes stores almost impossible. Going to An Affair Of The Heart showed me that. I still want to go out though, I almost crave being out, like having cabin fever or something similar. I'll figure it out.....

Much to accomplish...

Today I transplanted my Vanilla Orchid, Key Lime Tree and Magnolia Fig Tree. Along with doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen, I feel as though I've done more than enough.

My back is better, I'm taking half a pain pill when I go to sleep because it spasms when I roll over. Feels great to have most of the pain gone. Sleeping is helping with the healing process.

I anticipate a terrific week. There are a lot of things to do, not just taking care of the house, but also things to challenge and entertain me. I like having things to do. It sure beats sitting in a rocker listening to "judge shows" all day. My body feels better when there are projects, and I can see just how much I can do without sight. When I can adapt and do things I am happy. When I can't do things I try to figure out how to do whatever it is anyway. Right or wrong, I'll still try.

If my back will let me, then I'll try to get out and ride. I miss getting out. As much as I love my home, it's very isolating to be here except for trips to the doctor's, the grocery store and an occasional meal out. I have hobbies, the phone and the Internet. What I don't have is human interaction other than seeing my Darling Husband each evening. While I love being with him and having time together I really miss being around other people. A lot. I wish I could've had time to make friends when I moved down here. As it was, I spent all of my time working until I became ill. So now, I'm lonely. I may have to join a church or something to make friends. That means I may have to become religious (argh!) and I don't want to do that.

Tonight I'm lazing around. Going back through BrocanteHome's Trash It Or Treasure It. Having just sent a large number of bags and boxes off to relatives I thought things were pretty much under control. And then I opened the Christmas closet. Having weeded it out a month or so ago I didn't think too much of it. Looking at it today is another story. 7 Christmas trees, over 20 wreaths, giant tubs of lights (all indoor) and 9 humongous tubs full of nothing but ornaments. Sheesh! So, I'm out of touch with reality when it comes to the holiday decor. Funny, a blind woman with a great big blind spot where Christmas decorating is concerned. Guess what I'll be working on over the next couple of days? Yeah, it'll be a chore. I'd rather go through it while I still have a bit of sight left, instead of trying to do it all by touch.

Enough for tonight.........

Weekend Thoughts

And the weekend is here. Have taken down a lot of family portraits so I can can put up christmas decor on Black Friday. Can't bring myself to shop on that day after trying it once decades ago. Too much hassle, too much traffic, too many crowds, and it seems that everyone shopping is in panic mode that they won't get that holy grail of a bargain that will make their holiday experience true magic. Nah, I'll stay home, play holiday music and decorate to my heart's content.

No plans yet for Thanksgiving Day. Turkey doesn't sound like something I want on the menu this time. Is that American blasphemy? Barbeque is what is running through my head, or steaks on the grill. Key lime pie, baked potatoes or fried, cornbread, Le Soeur baby peas, salad, clementines. Just not the same ol' same ol'.

I've cleaned this morning, and need to do laundry. Every other day is a load of sheets and whites along with a load of bath sheets. I can go longer between times of doing laundry, but it takes a long time. Easier just to stay on top of it.

A half a pain pill and a two and a half hour nap have made a world of difference. Nah, I'm still blind, but my back feels much better. It would be amazing if a pill could let me see again, I 'm hoping to get in on a clinical trial in '14 that implants a microchip in the retina. I hear the initial trial in Europe went really well. It's for patients with Retinitis Pigmentosa, but perhaps I can talk (or bs) my way into the trial anyway.

What gets me is that in my dreams I can see perfectly. Everything is clear and in great detail. Everything is the way I remember it being, and so enjoyable, no squinting or headache from straining to try and focus. Then I wake up to three of everything, tunnel vision and what can be seen is a horrible blur. Is it any wonder that I enjoy sleep? 

Last night and this morning I was studying up on my eye disease. I do that frequently, looking to see if there are any new treatments that are promising for AutoImmune Retinopathy. There's just not much out there. The disease has no established treatment, no cure. Taking down the immune system may slow it down, possibly stop it for awhile. It won't restore my sight. 

Some of the treatments being experimented with have possible life threatening side effects. So, how much health to risk in order to see better? Is it worth dying in the first 24 hours of treatment? Is it worth kidney failure and a lifetime of dialysis? Is it worth melting the cornea and not knowing if the treatment is a success until someone dies and their corneas are transplanted into my eyes? The other risks are just as bad. Where do I decide that the risk is worth the treatment in order to see one or two more lines on the eye chart? My sight is at finger counting range now. If it could get my sight to the point where I could see with eyeglasses then I might think about the risks differently. Getting my sight to where I can read letters smaller than inch tall without a magnifying glass is another thing.

That's part of the problem with a rare eye disease. There's not tons of money being thrown at treatments leading to a cure. Not enough people even have it to do any large scale clinical trials. One hoped to get 7 people in order to have 5 to make it through the trial. Another tried 14 people. Just not enough cases. I'm the first patient my eye specialists have ever seen, and these are the guys who teach other eye specialists. It's a learning curve for all of us, and I'm studying just like my doctors are.

So now I've done my research and studying for a few days. I'm going to just enjoy life now, spending time with my Darling Husband and pets, make some more purses and take life as it comes.

Friday Night

Friday night is here, and we're winding down for the night. We went to dinner with Darling Husband's StepMother and had a terrific time. The RedRock Canyon Restaurant just reopened this week after a devastating fire last spring. It was so great to be there with the sun setting over Lake Hefner.

Now to prepare for the weekend. I sent boxes and bags full of household goods to relatives for their garage sale. The house even feels better with fewer items in it.

Mom received her latest box today. When I checked in with her she'd only gotten as far as the hats, scarves and sunglasses. I bet she'll have fun with it all this weekend.

Not much else for tonight. Time to take a pain pill, slap the stuff that irons out my wrinkles on my face and go see my pillow. 

Night all......

Things I miss a lot

Things I Miss a Lot

1. Photography

2. Kayaking

3. Roller Skating

4. Volleyball

5. Frisbee

6. Driving a Car

7. Water Skiing

8. Snowboarding

9. Shooting Pool

10. Riding a Motorcycle

11. Drawing

12. Going places by myself

13. Mowing Grass (so relaxing)

14. Playing Cards

15. Going to Movies

16. Matching Socks

17. Reading without Magnifying Glasses

18. Seeing Faces

19. Seeing Everything Else

20. Window Shopping

21. Reading Menus in Restaurants

22. Watching Fireflies

23. Traveling by Myself

24. Reading regular books

25. Being Healthy

26. Being Able to be in Sunlight

27. Seeing in Low Light

28. Seeing the Moon and Stars

29. Watching Fall Colors

30. Being Out in the Country

31. Having Deer and Bobcats just outside my Windows

32. Hearing nothing outside but the wind through the trees and birds singing

33. Using my 1890 Detroit Vapor Kitchen Stove to cook on

34. Seeing Splinters to get them out

35. Watching Meteor Showers

36. Seeing Christmas Lights

37. Watching Children Play

38. Seeing Birds at the Feeder

39. Watching Fireworks

40. Recognizing Family and Friends before I hear them speak or see them move.

41. Seeing a run in my Stocking

42. Baking Bread and having it come out well.

43. Belly dancing without being too dizzy

44. Seeing signs

45. 

Enough for now........

Thursday

Drugs have been taken for my back. Note to self, stick with half a pill due to being stoned out of my gourd. Good news, I quit hurting.

Dinner at Charleston's was great. I ordered a slice of key lime pie immediately upon arriving and savor end every bite. Ended up bringing home three quarters of  my dinner because I was full. Worth it. 

Trying to continue weeding out possessions in order to simplify my life. Have piles in the garage going to relatives holding a garage sale. I want the house to look great, but I don't want to spend hours daily to care for it all. Not being able to see things means I spend most of my time cleaning over and over. Why bother? Seriously, if we don't use it, enjoy it, love it for one reason or another why keep it around? 

Actually I'm really a fine one to talk about it. I have a lot of photography books and antique cameras. Having grown up with a darkroom in the house, it's been natural to have a camera on me all of my life. Now they do me no good. I gave a lot of the books to a niece beginning a photography business, and still have a lot. Things like that are hard to let go of. Just another realization that I'll never see enough to take photos again. I'll probably end up passing the rest on to Jenyfer and know that she'll get use out of them.

There are many things around the house that I used and loved for years, but really do need sight for. Getting rid of them feels like giving up, I get that. I'm not giving up on a future cure, but I won't keep beating myself up by having things I cannot use in any way sitting me around making me feel depressed by a lack of ability to use.

We're finally getting my car ready to sell. That hurts so much. I love that car, and only got to drive it for a short time. Not driving just gets all over me. It takes this disease from being a huge annoyance and inconvenience to a real life changing event. It makes it more real, knowing that my life is being altered in ways that are far beyond my control. 

Being blind just plain sucks rocks. I don't want to live behind sunglasses, carrying a white cane, being dependent on others. I want my life back! All of it!