Best Friend

Waiting for news from a faraway hospital. My best friend on earth is there, just had kidney surgery. Now, the waiting is the hardest part. 

I've ordered multiple bouquets of flowers, to arrive days apart. I also ordered other things for her. Things to make her smile. Just because I can.

The infection that caused this is severe, bad enough that the kidney could not be removed. She's in critical condition. The family members and I have been messaging back and forth all day. Hope and prayers are all we can really do for her right now.

We were born two days apart, grew up together. Were in each other's weddings, had sleepovers, went cruisin', swapped clothes, partied, raised children, dated some of the same guys, spent countless hours over the years talking. 

She had her Galaxy 500 convertible, I had a '71 Challenger convertible. One brunette, one blonde. Bodies of goddesses and looks to match. We were a force to be reckoned with. We still are...

She has to get better. We promised each other that we'd be the fun old ladies, the ones who terrorize aids at the nursing homes. The ones who refuse to follow rules, dress wildly and party hard well into our nineties. We will keep making memories up until the end.

She's part of my soul. She's in most of my memories. She's the best part of me. I love her, she's my best friend.

Packing and making future plans

The list of things to do and pack are shrinking. The mountain of boxes in the garage is growing at an alarming rate. There are about half a dozen empty boxes left to fill. One closet is empty.

The computer will be packed as soon as I finish downloading books from the cloud. It's just for books and music. As an elderly machine, circa 2006, it's entitled to take it easy. Really, it is a good computer. No gaming, other than Harvest Moon once in a great rare while.

The house won't be ready until the eighth of February. I want to get settled, plan my gardens, see friends and family. I want to make myself a lovely home and life. I'm ready for fun, for living a life that I love.

This will be my first time living by myself. Since I was seventeen, I've always had a husband and children, or at least children. Now I will learn to figure out who I am.

Wow! Just thinking of having a life of my own is mind blowing.  

Taking a break

More packing done. Hubby made me quit for the day. I'm not to do anymore until I get a full night's rest. I am worn out, even taking frequent breaks has not helped much.

Tonight, I'm listening to one of the a Planet Of The Apes movies. No clue as to which one, other than the fact that I do not hear Charlton Heston's voice.

I've made a lot of progress. There are only a couple of closets left to tackle. One is clothing only. I also need to go through my huge toolboxes. I plan to just take a small toolbox with me. No longer able to work on a car; there are jacks, lifts, creepers, an air compressor and other items which are useless to me. Those will remain here for Hubby. 

The gardening shed also needs to be gone through. The bikes and kayak are now in the garage, along with Demeter's crate. There will, for once, be plenty of room to maneuver in that small building.

Sight is fading more by the day. It's good that I'm packing now. The left eye is either a pale haze through a tunnel, or nothing, depending on the light level. The right eye is somewhat better. Colors are fading more, some seeming to blend into each other. 

I no longer panic with with each change in my sight. After three years, I'm more accepting as each occurs. It will happen. I will continue to lose more sight. I will adapt to having less vision.

Enough for now.....

Returning my ring and packing.....

I returned my beautiful wedding ring to Hubby. It was a family heirloom, never truly mine. I knew when it was given to me that someday I would have to return it. Still, it hurt. It signifies an end. The end of a marriage, a life together, of times which will never again occur. Guess I should just appreciate the fact that I was honored to wear and love it while I could.

I'm packing my life up in boxes. Seeing things that I have not seen in years, wondering if I need them in my new life. I see memories in my cookbooks, of special occasions, of loved one's who were part of my life. I see my daughter's hands learning to use favorite kitchen utensils so many years ago. I hold dish towels that my Grandmother crocheted for me.

Gathering my china, hoping to pack it carefully enough to survive this move. I inherited some of it from a relative decades ago. Other pieces have been added year by year as finances permitted.

Only a couple of boxes of kitchen wares left to pack. After crossing it and the bathroom off the list, I can move on to the closets and books. I need to make a trip to the storage unit to find a few things like the spare bathroom scale, perhaps a dining table, etc. 

The grocery store was today, where I picked up curtain rods, dog food, and a water filtration system. The water in the town I'm moving to is not safe to drink. When I lived there, up until a few of years ago, we would receive a statement from the water company every quarter. It would state that the water had unacceptable levels of pollutants in the water which could cause cancer and nerve and kidney damage. The notice would then state that we should go ahead and drink it. How messed up is that? Needless to say, I will be using the water filter religiously and consuming only bottled water when I am not at home. Better safe than sorry.

I'm packing drapes as they come out of the dryer. Still have to take down and wash lace curtains. That will finish another chore.

I will miss this home. It has seen good, bad, love and laughter. It has seen tears and grief also. In the last couple of years we had a child in a war zone. We lost our parents, three to cancer, one to Parkinson's disease. We faced illness. The illness broke us, that, and the addition of another woman into the house. It was beyond our ability to handle, even with counseling.

So much of my life is in these boxes being carefully packed and organized in the garage.

I'm somewhat overwhelmed by all of the work involved in this move. Cleaning, packing, sorting and organizing every part of my portion of this home. I'm not happy about doing it. I have no desire to leave. I want for our marriage to work. I want the happily ever after.

I'm actually packing less than I had thought that I would. That is subject to change as I open more cupboards. However, I don't want or need much in life. Music, books, crafts, plants, comfy places to sit and relax are important to me. I want to sit on the porch on a cool morning with a cup of spearmint tea, listening to the birds sing. I want a simple, lovely, cozy home. One that is warm and welcoming. A home full of charm. Whether I can see it or not, I still want a home that I can be proud of. 

Enough for now.......

Things about me

Things about me....

I love reading everything and anything at all.

I get frustrated with being read to, it's so much slower than I want.

I order dessert first at restaurants if they serve key lime pie.

Dressing beautifully is important to me. I expect to look well put together all of the time.

I'm an avid gardener. Not great, in fact, when my daughter was alive she referred to my houseplants as "death row". 

I'm a bit OCD when it comes to housekeeping. I can relax once the house is clean.

I'm mama to a lovely rescue dog. She watches over and protects me. She has safely gotten me around when I could not on my own. She pretty much trained herself to be my service dog. She understands commands in three languages, and is quite clever.

I'm nearly blind in some lighting conditions, completely blind in others.

I have AutoImmune Retinopathy, a rare eye disease with no cure. I will lose more sight. No one knows how much. Possibly, I will keep light and dark, shapes and some colors. Many colors are already gone.

It's okay, I have apps for that. No matter what "that" is.

I have no tolerance for whining. Even my own.

Comfy socks are a must in my universe.

I miss driving. A lot

I worry that I will not be able to tell when my beta fish dies. They only live up to four years, so I'm crossing my fingers to keep enough sight to tell.

I'm a small town kind of girl. It's where I'm most comfortable. I grew up in one, and the feeling of being part of a small community makes me happy.

I've buried three children. Stillborn twins back in the 80's. My daughter who died after being thrown by a horse in '06.

I raised smart mouthed comedians. Both of my sons can keep a room rolling on the floor just by opening their mouths.

I'm not the great cook that I used to be. Occupational therapy has helped a great deal to give back skills that this eye disease has taken.

It bothers me that I cannot see to pluck my eyebrows even with 12x magnifiers.

Snakes in the house disturb me greatly. Scorpions and spiders run a close second in the "sure to creep me out" category.

Swimming relaxes me. I'm completely at home in the water.

I have a few close friends whom I trust completely. I have many acquaintances and casual friends.

I have been betrayed in the past. It makes me wary when it comes to opening up to new people.

My favorite television show is "Ally McBeal"

My favorite movie is "Same Time Next Year "

I have gone for years at a time leaving a tv in the closet, and only getting it out for storm warnings or special shows.

I love pillows on the bed. Piles of them to snuggle with.

I wrap up in a fleece blanket rather than get under the sheets. The fleece feels so much better against my skin.

Candlelight is comforting to me.

I grew up in a house with a darkroom, and was almost always with a camera until this eye disease began taking my sight.

I won't give up hope for a cure.

I see clearly in my dreams and often cry when I awaken still blind.

I lost my Mom a year ago this Tuesday, and my Dad thirteen weeks later. I'm not over either loss.

I'm extremely conservative in my political views.

I'm happy with very little. 

I learned long ago to not ask for things, to not believe promises, to not expect anything.

I react badly to most medications, especially those considered safe.

I adore traveling, but am always happy to return home.

I'm a learning junkie. Doesn't really matter the subject, as long as it catches my interest.

I speak three languages, read a fourth, and can curse fluently in five.

I've rode a bucking bronco and did not get thrown. Talk about an adrenaline rush!

I adore thrift stores. It's like going on a treasure hunt.

My soda of choice is diet Dr. Pepper, followed by Cream Soda.

I take my steaks as rare as I can get them.

Coffee has to be black and strong enough to worry the spoon.

I love oversized bath sheets when I get out of the tub. Large enough to wrap up completely in. The softer and fluffier, the better.

My perfume is Chanel No. 5

I never want to look my age. I don't mind being in my 50's, I just have no desire to appear that old. Vain? Fine by me, I will take that label and own it.

I'm a night owl. If I'm in bed before 10, call the doctor.

My favorite vacation spot is the island of St. Kitts. A lottery win would have me living there in a heartbeat.

I'm adopted.

I have over a hundred nieces, nephews, great nieces and great nephews, and great-greats. That's a lot, and hard to keep track of.

I won a yodeling contest at Octoberfest back in the '90's

Renaissance Faire's are one of my favorite places to spend a day. Some years I go in costume. 

I used to make my own soaps, and would like to resume it. 

I make brandy-rum balls for the holidays. It's one of the few holiday traditions I have kept over the years.

When the children were little I would put them on the floor,  and the Christmas tree would go inside the playpen. Didn't seem fair to pen up little ones for the sake of having a pretty tree.

Jack Vettriano is one of my favorite artists.

My favorite children's books are "The Secret Garden" and "A Little Princess". I always have multiple copies of each to pass on to little girls in my life.

I adore Robert Downey, Jr. Always have. Always will....

I collect Little Red Riding Hood. The laundry is full of framed prints of it. My salt and pepper shakers are Red and the Big Bad Wolf.

I keep my fingernails done at all times. Somehow, it just does not feel right to not have them looking great.

I adore high heels, but don't wear them often.

I play backgammon and euchre very well. Very well, as in wiping up with my opponents. 

I love hearing a clock ticking when all is quiet.

Spearmint tea on the front porch is relaxing. 

Rose patterned china is lovely.

I use the good things daily. The good china, crystal, etc. I don't believe in putting nice things away and only enjoying them on special occasions. I want to use and love the things I have.

I don't mind being alone, but dislike being lonely.

Brach's Maple Nut Goodies make me smile every time.

I adore red carnations. Second favorite flower is a rose, followed by Stargazer Lillies. Least favorite are Mums because of the smell.

Rain is one of my favorite things. From a soft mist to the wildest of thunderstorms, I love it all.

Old houses make me happy. Built in the 50's or earlier, they have a special charm that makes me feel at home.

Sunday Night

Still on the sofa. Mouth no longer hurting, but the injection site from the flu shot is extremely painful. That's what happens when you get a shot in a torn muscle. Fever and chills lessening somewhat. Itching all over, but no rash, so I'm not worrying about it.

Tomorrow, I'll begin packing the cupboards, drawers and other out of the way storage areas. Then, I will move on to closets and main cabinets. At some point I have to get into the attic. Hubby put a number of my things up there when I moved in, and they've not been seen since.

Considering that I have spent a lot of time over the past couple of years downsizing, this should be easy. Should be easy are famous last words. I know better.

I have no boxes yet, nothing to store or move things in. Still don't have a firm move in date, either. The tenant should be out by the first. Hope so, I'm ready to get this over with.

I have a short list of needs. Table, fridge, bed, curtain rods, etc. I have a long list of wants also, but they can wait. 

Is a tv a want or need? I rarely watch it. Here in the city, I live between two hospitals, and there is continuous noise. The tv blocks it somewhat. In the small town I'm moving to, I can see needing it for weather watches and warnings. There is a wifi hotspot on my phone, but watching tv shows or movies with it would use the monthly allotment in a couple of hours. Maybe it is a need.

It's not easy being here, knowing I'm not in my "home" anymore. It's a kind of limbo. I feel displaced, nothing is as it should be. 

I'm in a place that has been my home for four years. A place where I've settled, made some friends, made wonderful memories. I've completely remodeled it, landscaped most of the yards, really put my mark on this place. It's truly lovely, and it is no longer mine.

I thought it would be my forever home. Now, it's just a place where I am tolerated until I can get moved out. I will miss being here. I miss the love that used to be here, the happiness and excitement of living my dreams with a man I love more than life itself.

Enough for now......

Not feeling well

Yesterday, I had a tooth pulled and got a flu shot. Today, I have fever, chills and pain. Thank goodness for hydrocodone. I'm living on Wendy's frosties at the moment, laying on the sofa, and working on my packing list.

I wish we would have taken photos of the new house. Then , I would be able to project them on the tv and see how best to place furniture and decorate. Now, I won't see the house again until moving day. 

I remember that there is a lot of storage, walk-in closets. Cabinets up to the ceiling in the kitchen. A laundry room that is large and bright. The mud room with big windows that my plants will adore.

I think that it is pretty. Sure hope so. Then again, I cannot tell by looking. The world is so heavily airbrushed when I look at it. I cannot see grime or dirt without magnification. I don't see litter, not enough sight. To me, everything looks wonderful....

There will be some minor remodeling to do. The Mudroom and kitchen floors come to mind first. The bathtub needs to be repointed, faucets need updating, as does the shower-head. Cabinets all could use some new hardware. The yard could use major attention, mainly shrubs and flower beds.

I'd like to replace the door and window screens with lace panels. I did that at my former home and it was darling. I have vintage linens that will make ideal curtains for the kitchen and laundry room. 

I dread this move. It's overwhelming me. There is so much to do. Not seeing details is making it so hard. I miss sight. 

I just want to get this over with. The sooner it's done, the faster I'll be able to learn where everything is, and to find my way around.

I ordered a reel lawn mower today. It's the old fashioned kind with no motor, you just push it along. My old one disappeared a couple of moves ago, and I sure missed it. Now, I'll be able to take care of my new, small yard. Better, since it's a house on an intersection, I'll be able to hear cars coming.

Still having major fever and chills. I'm wearing a huge fleece blanket over my jammies, snuggled up with a pile of pillows. Antibiotics, pain pills, constantly sipping water to stay hydrated. 

Enough for now....

Over

I got a house today. It's in the small town I lived and worked in before moving to this city. I'll be moving in two weeks.

The house has huge shade trees, a fenced yard for Demeter, a lovely front porch. It's a two bedroom, one bath. There is a small attached garage. It looks tiny, but is incredibly large and airy on the inside. It is lovely and extremely charming.

Now, to find my things. Get them sorted, packed and moved, unpacked, put away. I have to relearn where to find things. I will learn to find my way around. Not just around my house, but the neighborhood and the town.

I'm scared. I will be alone. Worse, I will be alone when it's dark. I will be blind and alone.

I never thought that life would turn out this way. I thought life had finally gotten to that happily ever after.

Everything seems so final. The marriage is over. We need to end things before we hurt each other to the point where even kindness is gone.

He and I could not handle the changes in our marriage due to this stupid eye disease. It changed me, it changed him, it changed us. And it ruined our relationship.

Sometimes love just isn't enough. It doesn't make everything alright. I wish so much that I had never got sick.

Sunday Night

Today, I slept and slept. Not because I was tired, I was, but also because I can see clearly in my dreams. It was so nice, just enjoying the sights.

In real (awake) life, the 6x magnifiers are less effective. I told Hubby we need to go to the optical store and pick up 7x and 8x magnifiers.

Walking through the house, I go from blurs to no sight whatsoever, and back to blurs. Everything is light levels. I'm getting used to not bothering with light switches. I clean house and work in the kitchen in total darkness most of the time. I'm comfortable keeping house without sight. I still flip on all of the lights to check my work afterwards, eventually that will no longer help, for now it's positive feedback.

Haven't seen my youngest since mid-December. A few messages back and forth on Facebook have been it. He's not good at staying in touch. Maybe he'll outgrow that, who knows? In the meantime, there is a gift bag full of Christmas presents for him stuffed into the closet.

I'm done with winter, and ready for springtime to arrive. It's time to start plants indoors. I found my baskets of seed packets, and need to dig in the garage for my seed starter kits. The gardens are ready to plant once Mother Nature cooperates.

Working my way through season four of Ally McBeal. I'm exercising through each full episode, about 40 minutes at a time. Three episodes is two hours, and that is my goal per evening. Once I finish the series, I'll switch to movies. There are about three dozen that I want to see. Should be enough to get me through the winter season.

Enough for now....