Wow! I discovered this evening that my night vision has completely disappeared. Walking into my bedroom I can usually make out the white sheets and pillows from the light filtering through the hallway. Tonight there was nothing. I could make out the huge red blob that is my husband's clock. Everything else was pitch black and remained that way. Time to call my eye specialist tomorrow and let him know. Also, I need to keep a flashlight by the bed. I'm so not ready for this, not yet, not darkness.
Worked on paperwork most of the day, then ended up napping for an hour or so. Still feeling sluggish and plan to hit the bed shortly.
The weekend begins in a few hours, and I think that after the past couple of weeks that we are both ready for a break. Don't know what we'll do yet, after my Husband gets off of work Saturday afternoon we are free until Tuesday morning. Maybe go out of town for something neither doctor or funeral related. Our last vacation was a year ago, too long without a real break.
This month has a blue moon, and I'll miss seeing it. Not being able to see the moon and stars has really bothered me. Something I always enjoyed and took for granted. Now I can see them on the Internet. Pictures from the Hubble telescope fascinate me, just the vastness and the beauty of our universe amazes me. The pictures coming back from Mars have caught my interest too. I love the idea that someday humans may be living there as well as on the moon. I hope that it happens in my lifetime. Just to know that all of our genes are no longer kept in one basket, and that the human race will spread out to the stars is wonderful and exciting to me. Just as explorers travelled to the new world centuries ago, now mankind can once again seek new places to colonize.
I ordered movies from the library, Ma and Pa Kettles, Gigi, and some comedies. I'm not wasting what is left of my sight on depressing things. Anything I watch has to entertain me and/or show me new and fascinating places that I've not yet seen. Travel videos are next after these. That way when we go places I'll have them fixed in my memories.
I'm done watching politics and the news, I only want to see good things for now. Maybe I'm wrong for that, and I can live with it. Too many horrific things are shown. The sights and sounds of people jumping from the world trade centers on September 11, 2001 will never leave me. I still see and hear that in my dreams.
I just want to see beauty now for as long as I can. I want my last bits of sight to include the faces of my loved ones, of flowers, of art and architecture. Those are what will get me through the darkness, the memories of colors and shapes. The memory of the blond curls and blue eyes of my granddaughter. I'll still see that in my head when she is grown.
Enough for now, I'm tired. Just received a postcard from my pillows saying "Wish you were here."
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Returning to what passes for normalcy.
After months of chaos, we're ready to settle down and have a normal life again. To work, to enjoy gardening rather than rushing through it so we can go do other things. It has been months since we sat on the patio during the evening, just chatting and listening to the birds and crickets. We're overdue to watch the sunset. I can still see the colors of it, and want to see as many of them as I can. Don't really care about the sunrises, after years of having to be an early bird I've seen enough of them.
Tomorrow I will once again begin using Brocante Home's "Trash It Or Treasure It". Weeding through decades of things accumulated while raising a family is a big job. Item by item going through drawers, closets and cupboards I find more things with each pass. I keep children's books for the grandchildren, but other children's things are being let go to find new homes.
My life needs to be simplified, less to keep track of and less to clean. I don't want to be owned by my things, to spend my life caring for things that are no longer useful. The time freed up by letting things go is time I can spend doing what I want to do. Working over 60 hours a week for years I would dream of what I would and could do once there was time. Time is a gift to me, and, while going blind has really screwed with the plans I had made for the time I would someday have, I will not waste the time I have. There is a notebook with lists of things I can do, of things I'd like to do, of things I'd like to learn, places I'd like to see. I work also in that notebook on laying out the kind of life that I want to live, what my life will become during the decades to come. The kind of person that I want to become. I write down ideas of the way I want to dress and look, defining my style. I write down ideas for classes I want to take, several already downloaded and begun, others found on websites and noted for the future. My husband will retire in a few years and I want things in place so that we can have fun, traveling and having adventures when the mood strikes. So much to get lined out and put into place while I still have a little bit of sight. It will keep me busy for quite some time. I plan to live the life I dream of, to celebrate every day, to play, to laugh. Actually to have a happy childhood, one that began when I turned 50. It's going to be great......
Tomorrow I will once again begin using Brocante Home's "Trash It Or Treasure It". Weeding through decades of things accumulated while raising a family is a big job. Item by item going through drawers, closets and cupboards I find more things with each pass. I keep children's books for the grandchildren, but other children's things are being let go to find new homes.
My life needs to be simplified, less to keep track of and less to clean. I don't want to be owned by my things, to spend my life caring for things that are no longer useful. The time freed up by letting things go is time I can spend doing what I want to do. Working over 60 hours a week for years I would dream of what I would and could do once there was time. Time is a gift to me, and, while going blind has really screwed with the plans I had made for the time I would someday have, I will not waste the time I have. There is a notebook with lists of things I can do, of things I'd like to do, of things I'd like to learn, places I'd like to see. I work also in that notebook on laying out the kind of life that I want to live, what my life will become during the decades to come. The kind of person that I want to become. I write down ideas of the way I want to dress and look, defining my style. I write down ideas for classes I want to take, several already downloaded and begun, others found on websites and noted for the future. My husband will retire in a few years and I want things in place so that we can have fun, traveling and having adventures when the mood strikes. So much to get lined out and put into place while I still have a little bit of sight. It will keep me busy for quite some time. I plan to live the life I dream of, to celebrate every day, to play, to laugh. Actually to have a happy childhood, one that began when I turned 50. It's going to be great......
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Funeral
It's the one party where you're the guest of honor, and you can't enjoy yourself. It's also your last one. Today we said farewell to my mother-in-law, Molly. She would have liked seeing herself in her favorite outfit, smelling all of the lovely flowers. She would have loved the little ones on her lap just one more time, hearing their laughter. She left us long ago due to Alzheimer's, but her body and that sweet smile stayed with us until last week when cancer got the best of her. Her favorite songs were sung, and the sun coming through the stained glass windows cast beautiful color throughout the sanctuary. I hurt for our family, the love that each one knew from that delightful lady. Her oldest child, my Husband, is coping with the loss now of both parents in a matter of months. Her Husband, a kind man in his 90's, now is alone with his caretakers. With poor health, I wonder if he won't be far behind her. Tonight, he'll be alone in their bed, and my heart aches for him. It was so difficult to see his pain as he said goodbye to his love. Each one grieves in their own way, and has their own time and manner of healing. Tomorrow will begin the healing, the coming to terms with the changes involved with losing a loved one. Tonight, though, there will be many wet pillows from people crying themselves to sleep, and that's okay. Tears are reminders that we love others, that we care, that we feel, that we hurt not just for ourselves but for other people too. That we're human.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Reflections
My Husband's Mother passed away this week. She was a lovely lady with a radiant smile. She'd had Alzheimer's for the last 10 years or so, by the time I joined the family she no longer knew who anyone was. She did know, though, who she loved. Her face would light up and she loved to snuggle together and just be with those whom she was fond of. She never knew my name, but she would recognize my face, and to her that was enough. I wish I could have known her long ago when she was raising the family that became mine when I married into it. The qualities that are part of the loving family that welcomed me came in part from her. There are photos of her all over the house, the most recent ones were taken on Mother's Day, which was also her birthday. I took those of her with her sons, hoping that my camera would do it's job properly as I could no longer see the screen or to focus. Thankfully, they turned out great. I'm grateful for that, so many don't turn out anymore. Her funeral will be in a few days, and I hate the thought of saying farewell to her for the last time. Our last words to each other were I love you. I did so love the woman who gave birth to and raised the wonderful man that I've married.
My own Mother begins chemotherapy on Monday. She has lung cancer, the same thing that my Mother-In-Law just died of. It's horrible to begin the same cycle of loss that we're still going through. I'm not ready to lose a parent, to say farewell to someone who has been a huge part of my life for the last 51 years. We talk frequently, at least twice weekly, and have for years. I cannot imagine life without her in it. I worry about her up in Ohio. She wants to live up there close to her Mother and Sister, and while she likes it there, her Mother is dying too. I hope that Mom goes before Grandma. Grandma has Alzheimer's and won't know that Mom is gone, but it would destroy Mom to lose her Mother especially as sick as she is now. It was so hard on them when my Daughter died. I didn't think Mom would survive the loss of my Daughter, they were so close. Too much loss, her absence is felt daily by all of us.
A heart can only take so much pain, so much breaking. Lately, I try to keep so busy that I cannot focus on all of it. I send frequent boxes to Mom, with books, movies, craft items, candy and other things. It doesn't take the place of going up there and visiting, but it helps.
I'm not ready to travel by myself as a blind person, to rely on strangers and a white cane to find my way around almost 1000 miles from home. As it is, I barely find my way around Wal-Mart to grocery shop with a huge magnifying glass and a shopping list with items written in inch tall letters. I took a cab by myself yesterday for the first time since losing my sight. He got me to where I needed to go, even going so far as to load and unload things for me. That was kind, and lately I need kindness.
Lately I feel fragile in ways that health issues alone don't cause. My heart hurts too much, and I just want peace. I hurt, too, for my Husband. He has just lost his Mother this week. Just this past January he also lost his Father. What a nightmare to lose both parents in such a short time. I cannot imagine anything so awful.
It makes me grateful to have living parents. My 3 Dads and 3 of my 4 Moms are still alive. All elderly, ranging in age from 60 to 82. Being the product of an open adoption and family who believed in marriage (and lots of it), meant that I had more people to love. Lots of parents, grandparents, sisters, etc. Just not all in the same places at the same time. Some sisters I did not meet until we were adults. More to love, and that is the key. To know that I'll never be alone.......
My own Mother begins chemotherapy on Monday. She has lung cancer, the same thing that my Mother-In-Law just died of. It's horrible to begin the same cycle of loss that we're still going through. I'm not ready to lose a parent, to say farewell to someone who has been a huge part of my life for the last 51 years. We talk frequently, at least twice weekly, and have for years. I cannot imagine life without her in it. I worry about her up in Ohio. She wants to live up there close to her Mother and Sister, and while she likes it there, her Mother is dying too. I hope that Mom goes before Grandma. Grandma has Alzheimer's and won't know that Mom is gone, but it would destroy Mom to lose her Mother especially as sick as she is now. It was so hard on them when my Daughter died. I didn't think Mom would survive the loss of my Daughter, they were so close. Too much loss, her absence is felt daily by all of us.
A heart can only take so much pain, so much breaking. Lately, I try to keep so busy that I cannot focus on all of it. I send frequent boxes to Mom, with books, movies, craft items, candy and other things. It doesn't take the place of going up there and visiting, but it helps.
I'm not ready to travel by myself as a blind person, to rely on strangers and a white cane to find my way around almost 1000 miles from home. As it is, I barely find my way around Wal-Mart to grocery shop with a huge magnifying glass and a shopping list with items written in inch tall letters. I took a cab by myself yesterday for the first time since losing my sight. He got me to where I needed to go, even going so far as to load and unload things for me. That was kind, and lately I need kindness.
Lately I feel fragile in ways that health issues alone don't cause. My heart hurts too much, and I just want peace. I hurt, too, for my Husband. He has just lost his Mother this week. Just this past January he also lost his Father. What a nightmare to lose both parents in such a short time. I cannot imagine anything so awful.
It makes me grateful to have living parents. My 3 Dads and 3 of my 4 Moms are still alive. All elderly, ranging in age from 60 to 82. Being the product of an open adoption and family who believed in marriage (and lots of it), meant that I had more people to love. Lots of parents, grandparents, sisters, etc. Just not all in the same places at the same time. Some sisters I did not meet until we were adults. More to love, and that is the key. To know that I'll never be alone.......
Friday, August 17, 2012
The Weekend Is Here!
New news, getting blood work to test for auto immune retinopathy. Maybe an answer will be forthcoming after almost 2 years. Just an answer as to why I'm going blind would be a relief. I feel bad for my Husband, we had only been married for 4 months when my sight started disappearing. We sure didn't plan for that in our happily ever after.
Trying to get used to the word blind, I know that I am, but it's one of those terms that I just can't wrap my head around as applying to me. Sight has deteriorated to the finger counting stage. I use a magnifying glass in order to type on the iPad. I need to set up my computer so I can use it more easily. Web pages are set to come up at 400%, and it's still tough to read.
This evening we wen't to a friend's home and swam in his pool for a couple of hours. So nice to relax in the water, feeling weightless for awhile, no pressure on my joints as I float. Lovely time. Tomorrow promises to be busy. My Husband has to work part of the day and then plays racquetball with his brother. I'll get housework done while that is going on. Afterwards we'll go see my mother-in-law, hit the library for a quick drop off and pick up, and then do the grocery shopping. I hope that we will then be done with our running for the weekend. I'd love a day to just relax with my husband with nothing that we have to go or do.
Next week I'd like to start watching all of the Walt Disney movies in my collection. Not knowing how much longer I'll be able to see anything, I'll start with my very favorites. Snow White and Cinderella are on the top of my list. There are other movies I'd like to see again, the list is growing and they will all be stacked in a basket waiting to be seen. Perhaps one every day or two for as long as I can.
I have more family photos waiting to be framed and added to the bookcase that takes up an entire wall in the living room. We have so much family between us, 9 generations worth of pictures going from the 1860's to just weeks ago. Not enough space for everyone, but pretty close. It really bugs me to think that I won't see them for much longer, all of the pictures are a blur to my eyes and I try to fix every loved one in my memories. Somedays I mourn my lack of sight much more than others. Just blurry little circles of sight left, for the most part I can accept it, but at other times I get so angry and down, not understanding why it's happened to me. Short term pity parties as each new bit is lost. When I find things I can do I get excited and feel a real sense of accomplishment. Seems as though life is a real roller coaster of emotions and feelings, never steady anymore.the loss of independence is truly difficult. Giving up driving broke my heart, I became no longer free to just come and go as I pleased. Depending on others, even ones who love and want to help me is hard. Pride is something I've always had plenty of, and it's hard to ask for help. Something else new to learn.......
Trying to get used to the word blind, I know that I am, but it's one of those terms that I just can't wrap my head around as applying to me. Sight has deteriorated to the finger counting stage. I use a magnifying glass in order to type on the iPad. I need to set up my computer so I can use it more easily. Web pages are set to come up at 400%, and it's still tough to read.
This evening we wen't to a friend's home and swam in his pool for a couple of hours. So nice to relax in the water, feeling weightless for awhile, no pressure on my joints as I float. Lovely time. Tomorrow promises to be busy. My Husband has to work part of the day and then plays racquetball with his brother. I'll get housework done while that is going on. Afterwards we'll go see my mother-in-law, hit the library for a quick drop off and pick up, and then do the grocery shopping. I hope that we will then be done with our running for the weekend. I'd love a day to just relax with my husband with nothing that we have to go or do.
Next week I'd like to start watching all of the Walt Disney movies in my collection. Not knowing how much longer I'll be able to see anything, I'll start with my very favorites. Snow White and Cinderella are on the top of my list. There are other movies I'd like to see again, the list is growing and they will all be stacked in a basket waiting to be seen. Perhaps one every day or two for as long as I can.
I have more family photos waiting to be framed and added to the bookcase that takes up an entire wall in the living room. We have so much family between us, 9 generations worth of pictures going from the 1860's to just weeks ago. Not enough space for everyone, but pretty close. It really bugs me to think that I won't see them for much longer, all of the pictures are a blur to my eyes and I try to fix every loved one in my memories. Somedays I mourn my lack of sight much more than others. Just blurry little circles of sight left, for the most part I can accept it, but at other times I get so angry and down, not understanding why it's happened to me. Short term pity parties as each new bit is lost. When I find things I can do I get excited and feel a real sense of accomplishment. Seems as though life is a real roller coaster of emotions and feelings, never steady anymore.the loss of independence is truly difficult. Giving up driving broke my heart, I became no longer free to just come and go as I pleased. Depending on others, even ones who love and want to help me is hard. Pride is something I've always had plenty of, and it's hard to ask for help. Something else new to learn.......
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Teaser
We got just enough rain to tease this morning. I was out in my sunglasses and hat trying to keep my hydrangeas alive. No pockets in my dress,so I stuck my phone under my hat to keep it dry. The dog and cat follow me around the yard while I water, the dog being careful to stay out of reach of the garden hose. When the sprinklers are turned on she runs inside, afraid that she'll end up getting a bath. Never mind that the only baths I have ever given her have been in the tub. At 60 pounds it's a battle to get her in there and to keep her there until she is clean. The only part she enjoys is the spritz of perfume afterwards because she knows that I'm done messing with her.
My Son came over this afternoon, it was nice to see him for awhile. Dinner tonight was "Deja Vu" at our house, which is what we always called leftovers. The term translates as "already seen". The dinner tonight was ham and beans with cornbread. I use the Marie Callender's recipe for the cornbread. So far it's the best one that I've found, thick, slightly sweet, almost cake like in texture. Definitely not southern style, but so tasty.
I love cooking for my Husband, to him a home cooked meal is still a treat, even after a couple of years of marriage. Adapting to less and less vision in the kitchen has been very rough. I've burned a lot of food, ruined many loaves of bread. I get so fed up sometimes when I'm cooking. I've done it for so long, and when things go wrong due to not being able to see what I'm doing, I get angry. I just have to start over and try again. There's something about cooking from scratch that's so enjoyable. The way that food smells as it simmers, and serving up something delicious that is homemade makes me happy. The whole cooking process has had to be modified somewhat and as I become less fearful around boiling hot temperatures it becomes easier. Tempting sometimes to give it up and cook box meals. Zatarain's side dishes are about as close as I come to simple cooking. I refuse to buy anything with the word "helper" in it. Too much pride to make foods like that, even when I was working 60 to 75 hour workweeks. Not to mention unhealthy for a growing family, it's better to cook for and feed children real food.
Tonight we're watching football, the season is beginning again. Here in Oklahoma there are 3 religions. They are in no particular order.... Baptist, Southern Baptist and Football. Friends on Facebook are already waving their Steeler's towels, which makes me laugh. Some even have rooms entirely devoted to their favorite team. That's devotion to their team. I just like listening to the games, not caring too much about who is playing. Exception to that statement is when the Indiana Hoosiers or the OSU Cowboys are playing. I just have to root for them.
My Son came over this afternoon, it was nice to see him for awhile. Dinner tonight was "Deja Vu" at our house, which is what we always called leftovers. The term translates as "already seen". The dinner tonight was ham and beans with cornbread. I use the Marie Callender's recipe for the cornbread. So far it's the best one that I've found, thick, slightly sweet, almost cake like in texture. Definitely not southern style, but so tasty.
I love cooking for my Husband, to him a home cooked meal is still a treat, even after a couple of years of marriage. Adapting to less and less vision in the kitchen has been very rough. I've burned a lot of food, ruined many loaves of bread. I get so fed up sometimes when I'm cooking. I've done it for so long, and when things go wrong due to not being able to see what I'm doing, I get angry. I just have to start over and try again. There's something about cooking from scratch that's so enjoyable. The way that food smells as it simmers, and serving up something delicious that is homemade makes me happy. The whole cooking process has had to be modified somewhat and as I become less fearful around boiling hot temperatures it becomes easier. Tempting sometimes to give it up and cook box meals. Zatarain's side dishes are about as close as I come to simple cooking. I refuse to buy anything with the word "helper" in it. Too much pride to make foods like that, even when I was working 60 to 75 hour workweeks. Not to mention unhealthy for a growing family, it's better to cook for and feed children real food.
Tonight we're watching football, the season is beginning again. Here in Oklahoma there are 3 religions. They are in no particular order.... Baptist, Southern Baptist and Football. Friends on Facebook are already waving their Steeler's towels, which makes me laugh. Some even have rooms entirely devoted to their favorite team. That's devotion to their team. I just like listening to the games, not caring too much about who is playing. Exception to that statement is when the Indiana Hoosiers or the OSU Cowboys are playing. I just have to root for them.
Sleepless night
What to do when you can't sleep? Sleepless nights are, for the most part, pretty much over now. Tonight is a rare one. After tossing and turning for a couple of hours, I got up and made a glass of spearmint tea. Sitting on floor pillows just because I can. Floor pillows and beanbag chairs are scattered in the living room, I love the mood that they add to a fairly traditional decor. To keep them from being too casual I've covered the beanbags with throws fitted on them. Keeps them more comfortable and does dress up the room.
I enjoy the late night quiet when I'm up, it was something that I anticipated so much when the children were growing up. A little peace with my thoughts to keep me company as I would unwind for a bit before calling it a night. No demands, no responsibility, no noise. I appreciated it a lot more then, but I still think of it as a special time.
Still adjusting to city life, the noise never really goes away, it plays as it's own soundtrack. I keep music or a white noise machine playing during the day. Too much traffic noise, and we live between 2 hospitals. Add sirens and helicopters to the cars and trucks, and it gets to be a bit loud. Someday I'll probably get to the point where I no longer notice it.
Really should be asleep, I want to be enjoying the morning before the sun rises over the house. I miss being able to enjoy sunlight, just to feel it on me as I dig in the dirt. I've planted a lot of seeds to replace the plants that the heat killed off. Need to get more catnip seeds to plant for the cat, she looks in "her planter" everyday to see if there is any to munch on. I've planted 3 pots of spearmint, and a lot of petunias and cosmos. Most of the rescue mission is dead, I need to pull up the dead plants and reseed it also. It looks pathetic in places and it reminds me of my daughter teasing me. She always called my houseplants " death row ". For good reason, I had a brown thumb for a long time. With cooler temperatures these new seeds should do fine.
I enjoy the late night quiet when I'm up, it was something that I anticipated so much when the children were growing up. A little peace with my thoughts to keep me company as I would unwind for a bit before calling it a night. No demands, no responsibility, no noise. I appreciated it a lot more then, but I still think of it as a special time.
Still adjusting to city life, the noise never really goes away, it plays as it's own soundtrack. I keep music or a white noise machine playing during the day. Too much traffic noise, and we live between 2 hospitals. Add sirens and helicopters to the cars and trucks, and it gets to be a bit loud. Someday I'll probably get to the point where I no longer notice it.
Really should be asleep, I want to be enjoying the morning before the sun rises over the house. I miss being able to enjoy sunlight, just to feel it on me as I dig in the dirt. I've planted a lot of seeds to replace the plants that the heat killed off. Need to get more catnip seeds to plant for the cat, she looks in "her planter" everyday to see if there is any to munch on. I've planted 3 pots of spearmint, and a lot of petunias and cosmos. Most of the rescue mission is dead, I need to pull up the dead plants and reseed it also. It looks pathetic in places and it reminds me of my daughter teasing me. She always called my houseplants " death row ". For good reason, I had a brown thumb for a long time. With cooler temperatures these new seeds should do fine.
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